[Raina]

Am I able to discuss sexual abuse in the forums?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Raina, off course you can..

Remember though we will give your our opinions whether you talk general or pose a question and you know our members are here for you, so fire away sweet.

CW

[Raina]

A few years ago when I was with my Ex, a memory had just triggered. Nothing was happening to trigger it, I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and he was playing a game on the couch I think.

I was younger than 10, Im assuming around 8, when it happened. My family visited my grandparents and things for the summer and such. I remember my grandfather doing things to me. Since the day I remembered that moment a few years ago my life has done nothing but go downhill. I get mad at stupid things, I get anxiety attacks, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

[Hugo-B]

I have heard of people repressing similar such memories, I think they can just be triggered subconsciously.

I remember listening to a late night radio show when a guy called in and said his sister, right out of the blue called the police and said he'd interfered with her when they were both little kids. He said he couldn't believe what had happened but after a few days suddenly realized he had actually done such things when he was younger (not realizing the gravity of his actions) when they were playing 'mummies and daddies'. I can't remember the rest but both children had repressed the memories and then, years later they had been brought to the surface again, I'm guessing the sister experienced something similar to you when all of a sudden the memory 'caught up with her'..

All I can say since I'm not qualified to deal with such matters is that I'm sincerely sorry to hear what you went through. You were innocent and vulnerable, and undeserving of what happened to you.

You need to constantly remind yourself that none of this was your fault. None of it. You deserve happiness, you deserve to enjoy a normal sex life, and don't deserve to be suffering the way you currently are.

The fact you are here asking for advice is good, you have taken the first step in confronting the problem head on, it will likely take all of the inner resources you can draw upon to overcome this, but with determination you most certainly can, and you owe that to yourself, they say the best form of revenge is success. I know Oprah Winfrey has a good biography out in which she describes experiencing and overcoming similar problems to yourself. Do not be ashamed to seek professional help, a counseling psychologist told me that it was possible to repair this kind of problem, which is very reassuring.

Apart from offering you support, sympathy and encouragement I'm afraid I have no information of real value to offer you, though I wish I did.

Good luck xxx

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Hon,

I think that sub-consciously you've probably always had negative thoughts about things, fear over other things, wondering constantly why you feel that way, because ultimately you've had no idea why.

I think when we are ready to remember something, a trigger happens. I don't think that there has to be a reason necessarily, our mind stores information, it's a powerful thing, our mind. We tend to stick what we don't wish to remember or like at the back of our mind and bring forward good memories and good thoughts which is a good thing. Imagine if it was reversed?

You can choose to try to place it back where it was, in the back of your mind, or deal with it, confront it head on, work through it, understand it and let it go at the end of all of that, I'd go with the later.

Is your Grandfather still alive? Did you visit them often?

A child can not be at fault of what an Adult does, this is as buddhaboy also stated the very first thing you need to acknowledge and understand...

[AshB$]

I don't mean to steal this thread or anything. But I have a similar situation... Always remember one certain thing that happened.
But in my situation I was anywhere from 4-6 years old. And this family member was about 3 years older.
What happened was horrible and just heart breaking for me. I just hear people say "it doesn't count" because of the age of the family member.
But as buddhaboy said, the sister had that horrible memory.... just like me..
I know this sounds weird, but it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one that has had this kind of problem.

Raina, if you need to chat, I'm here. Along with all the others on here. I'm sorry about your situation. I'm kind of stuck like you are, not knowing what to do or think about it. But we're here for you.

[Raina]

I was told to talk about it and not be afraid to talk about it, but I'm not afraid to talk about it anymore. I don't remember the entire thing. I just know we visited for the summer time and thats when I remember it happening. The entire thing isn't a memory, but bits and pieces of it. I'm going to struggle a little in typing this but you all wont be able to notice, lol. I can remember going back to his room and his room was in the back of the house where there was no thru-traffic and I cant remember how he convinced me to lean against the bed but I remember leaning against it (he had a very tall bed, even now as an adult it is a tall bed) and him pulling down my pants and underwear and the thought of baby-powder was what came to my mind then, because thats what I thought he was doing, just putting baby powder on me now I remember he was touching me from behind as I was watching Barney or Power Rangers on the TV overhead with either his fingers or well.... you know. I don't recall there being an penetration, but what was happening alone was enough for me to become traumatized. I can't remember if he came on my bottom or anything like that, but I do remember him telling me to go to the bathroom after he pulled my pants back up for me. At the time, I didnt know what was happening, but now I think back and I cant help but think "My own grandfather, really? And not just me, but my cousin too!?" When I heard the rumor that he touched my cousin as well is what confirmed for me that it wasn't just a horrible nightmare.

[Hugo-B]

Is your granddad still alive? If you and your cousin corroborate he may actually spend the last of his days where he belongs: in prison. This is a choice for you to make, and you alone, if you don't wish to make a fuss I respect that.

I think you're very brave sharing like this, anonymity can be a great thing when it comes to sharing and off loading problems. I read a book about dealing with abused women (my ex had some problems I suspected were related to abuse and she told she'd been raped) one thing they consistently encourage is writing a letter (to the abuser) you wouldn't necessarily have to show it to your granddad, but it would give you the opportunity to articulate all of your feelings (privately) and get everything out.

I can believe that this is a horrible nightmare for you, and as I said before, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Just remember we can wake up from nightmares and they eventually deteriorate into bad memories which we can eventually forget all about, I hope this is what happens to you, soon xxx

[Stillness]

Raina and Ash, This is horrible stuff. I was touched by an older female cousin (3-4 years older) when I was about 6-7. In my case it wasn't traumatic. But in the back of my mind I had this discomfort that I would somehow repeat some kind of cycle. I don't know if you all dealt with that. I hear a lot of people who have been molested have this fear. I just recently heard that the "repeat the cycle" myth is false. The vast majority of people who have been molested don't have the heart to do that to another person. And a lot of abusers were not abused and come from normal upbringings.

I can't remember the exact date and which program it was that I heard, but I know it was on NPR and they have some awesome programs that deal with healing from abuse. If you google "npr child sexual abuse" you can listen to the discussions right on the site. I looked over some of them and they talk about how dissasociative memories pop up and the shame and confusion felt by victims.

This is all of great interest to me as a young cousin of mine claimed that our uncle molested her a few months ago. My family didn't know exactly how to deal with it and we all got together to protect the child and confront my uncle, but a lot of other allegations of molestation and incest started to come out going back 4 generations. It was crushing. My family is quite large. We made some mistakes in how we handled things and said and did some things that cannot be undone because of the emotions. A lot of hurt feelings came up and relationships were destroyed. My family will never be the same.