[Alison H.]

When we’re kids, having a best friend feels like the most important thing in the world: the person you sat next to at lunch, swapped secrets with, and maybe even had matching friendship bracelets for. (Me and one of my besties had those metal charm bracelets that said "Best Friends" and they were zig-zag split down the middle so one said "Best" and the other said "Friends".)

But as adults, life gets more complicated. People move, priorities change, and the idea of one “best” friend sometimes gets replaced by different circles of friends for different parts of our lives.

So I’m curious: Do you still believe in the idea of a best friend as an adult?

• Do you have one now?
• Has your definition of “best friend” changed over time?
• Or do you think the concept belongs more to childhood, when relationships were simpler?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories, whether it’s about the best friend you’ve had since kindergarten or how you’ve built a group of equally important friends instead.

[JonnyR]

This might be different around gender lines, but as a man, I have a few "best" friends.

Whenever I've tried to explain this concept to others (mostly women) they don't get it, and say you cannot have more than 1 best friend -- but for men, we absolutely can and do.

I am fortunate to have a group of about 5 guys that I would consider my "best" friends and that I could count on for anything, anytime.

Even if we don't see each other or time passes, whenever we do get together, it's as if no time has passed at all, and the trust, camaraderie, and shared experience feels the same it always did.

I've been blessed in my life to have a few of these that have come and gone, but the bulk of them still remain in place -- some for my entire life since childhood!

It seems that making new friends is a lot harder -- the trust, and whatnot, is something that is a lot harder to foster once families and other responsibilities come into play.

There is actually research showing how long it takes for someone to progress from an acquaintance to various levels of friendship, culminating in a "best" friendship — and it seems to align.

It's mostly about the time spent together, which inevitably comes attached with ups and downs, highs and lows and resonance that bonds people.

That time on task is a lot harder to achieve as you get older and in relationships with significant others, kids, etc.

[Alison H.]

Oh I absolutely get it. I have several "best" friends who are (mostly) a part of the same friend group. Honestly, I feel like the "only one best friend" is typical of junior high and high school girls. THAT was really common back then, but once I hit my 20s and then onward, it's never been like that.

I remember both of my daughters facing that same kind of "only one best friend" thing when they started hitting around 11 or 12 or so. But they've long since shed that kind of idea in their 20s.

At the same time, I don't know that I quantify any of my friends as a "best" friend. I have close and closest friends, with my closest friends being "best" friends without the "best" label, if that makes sense?

I've found it relatively easy to make new friends even as an adult, but it's meant getting involved in more things locally, doing things that actually put you in a place where you're gonna meet people who are into the same things. So like the makerspace in our city, we've met several people who are the same kind of weird/cool that we are, who like to nerd out making stuff and playing with electronics or wood or clay. And after spending enough time with the ones you vibe with the most, the friendships just kinda grow from there.

I meet fewer people than I did when my kids were in school, but that's just because I'm involved in QUITE as much as I was back then. (Not complaining about that LOL.)

[atskitty2]

Great topic!

I call my main friend my bestie, but I really don't think it's something I think of as an adult. It's more a habit to refer to her as that.

Expanding on this, it is so hard to make new friends as we get older. I don't tend to connect with work-mates, although we all get along and go out from time to time, it's a very superficial relationship.

I had a great friend group many years ago with some pretty deep bonds. As my marriage crumbled, my ex-husband managed to stir up trouble and destroy those friendships. Throughout the years, I've missed them and had a lot of guilt over the way I was manipulated by my husband, and the mistakes I made then. They had reached out to me at some point shortly after the divorce, but my embarrassment or pride, or something wouldn't allow me to have a conversation back then.

Several years ago, I reached out to one of them, apologized and just said my peace. I had to get it off my chest, I guess. Turned out, when they learned about the divorce, they'd figured some things out about what happened, and wanted to share all that with me and make amends. So, I had a good conversation with one of them, and I think his wife was really still having some bitterness, so it never went beyond that.
This week, randomly, I got a message saying, it's been too long, would really like to meet for drinks and catch up. So, we have plans in a couple weeks, and have been texting a bit. One of the old gang passed away recently, and maybe that was the catalyst for reaching out.

I would have called these folks "best friends" without a doubt. They were the "bail you out of jail" kind of friends that would be by your side throwing buckets of water on your burning house. The kinds of friends you're also eager to help out and do things for in return, because they're just genuinely good, fun people. The ones you go to and ask whether you're being a *******, and they say, yep, I think you've got it all wrong on this one...or cheer you on when you get it right.

So, idk what will come of all this, but it certainly brought back to mind what it was like to have deeper friendships and realizing how much I've missed that. My main friend-it's a fairly shaky friendship, and I think I've posted here about that in years past. We've been friends 20+ years, so there's a lot of history there. I miss having friends that I can connect with, have a deeper conversation with and know they listen and have the emotional depth to get down there with me and figure things out. I just don't have that with my current bestie, because she's never really done the deep emotional development on herself to be comfortable talking about things beyond the surface.

I have my partner and he's definitely my best friend, but I think for women at least, we need strong friendships with other women (most of us). Men need those too, but it seems like women especially experience a loss without those bonds in a way that men don't seem to. My partner has a much bigger friend circle, probably 2 of those rise to the level of "bestie" and the rest are more basic friendships. But even he tells me, if those relationships faded, I'd be ok without them. He is generally way more introverted than me, which may play a part of that.

Anyway, I think it's such a fluid, inconsistent thing, but generally I think the notion of best friends is a youthful notion.

[Alison H.]

I’m really glad your old friend reached out. Shared history like that is special, and grief really does have a way of nudging people back together. It puts a lot of things into perspective, I think... Even if the relationship doesn’t go back to what it was, it might become something good in a new way.

I do think most of us need a circle of people who get us. Partners are (some of) those people, of course, but it hits different when a friend confides in your or has your back, or does any typical "friend" thing. And not everyone can go deep, and that doesn’t make them bad friends, it just means they’re not the person for the big feelings.

There was an article or study I read somewhere a while back, NO idea where on earth it is now or what words to use to find it, but it basically talked about how each person needs specific friends and relationships to fill specific social needs. Almost like buckets... the deep friendships, and the surface-level ones, and how they all fill a purpose as far as meeting our needs socially.

I'll have to try to find it. It's been a hot minute lol!

I agree with the idea of "best friends" being a more youthful notion, for sure. Anymore, I think it’s the handful of people who feel like home, and that have your back. And like you said, the "bail you out of jail" kind of friends that would be by your side throwing buckets of water on your burning house.

That's a perfect way to put it.

[atskitty2]

I read something similar probably 30 years ago regarding the intricacies of female friendships. I think it's proven true throughout the years, tho' purely anecdotally, that we have different groups that meet different needs, at different times. And that's male and female. All in tidy little buckets, and each serving a unique purpose.

I'm excited to meet, have a conversation and just see what happens. I would love to have some sort of relationship again, even if it's just occasional catch-ups, or meetings for dinner and drinks. Even just to finally put to bed the ridiculous mistakes of that period of time, and widen the circle of contact would be a relief for me.

[Alison H.]

I'm excited to meet, have a conversation and just see what happens. I would love to have some sort of relationship again, even if it's just occasional catch-ups, or meetings for dinner and drinks. Even just to finally put to bed the ridiculous mistakes of that period of time, and widen the circle of contact would be a relief for me.

I totally get that. I think as we (all) get older, those youthful mistakes/blunders are forgiven and forgotten a lot more easily than they would have been at the time. Because we've all made them. Just with growth and experience and putting things in perspective, those become "blips" that barely even register after years have passed. I'm betting they feel the same way, and I'm really glad you have the opportunity to meet, talk, and reconnect. It's a relief, for sure, but it's reclaiming a connection too and that's just awesome.

I have a few old friends like that, who I'd like to reconnect with. When we were late teens, stupid things happened (and boyfriends got in the way) and... yeah. Also a former roommate from my 20s who bailed on a lease, not even mad about it (anymore... lol). We're a lot older and wiser now and I'm honestly thinking about reaching out just to say hey.

[atskitty2]

Alison H. Do it! I think you'll be glad you did!

I'm so excited for our meetup later this week. I wish we'd done this years ago. I've been reminiscing, and all the memories have just made me gush. This male friend was like a big brother and saved me from so many stupid decisions. Such a big part of my life, for so many years, and just catching up with him will give me such a sense of completion. Even if we don't continue, just having the freedom to catch up, know that his family is good, all the stuff...it just makes me feel good.

And that's why I encourage it for you too. It's just sort of cleansing to remember that all the good things were not meaningless for either of us. There was a bump that, in the moment, we couldn't recover from. But, aside from the circumstances, there was a solid friendship, and a few good people that didn't take losing that friendship lightly. Somehow, as dark as it seems, it means a lot to me that they hurt as much as I did to lose them. lol

Update us on that! Would love to know what you decide.

[Alison H.]

Alison H. Do it! I think you'll be glad you did!

I think I will! You've definitely inspired me to. I really, really hope your meetup this week is everything you hope it will be, and it'll relight that relationship and closeness. I know what you mean though, it is nice to know that the loss of the friendship for those years wasn't something that only you felt. And that, I think, is what will make this so good for both of you. Please do keep me posted later this week after you guys get together! I'm happy you're doing this and sending good vibes your way.