[Links]

Im so confused, I have no idea what to do...or where to even start for that matter. To make a long long story somewhat short.....Here it goes....

Met this guy when I was 18 (one month prior to 19th). We were together for almost a year before he decided to tell me that he was moving away to New Jersey for work. He was really against having a long distance relationship as he said that they don't work (which was understandable as he is a former Marine and divorced his wife after she turned into a ****). I still wanted to try it, so we kept in touch and at Christmas I even went to spend the holidays with him.

Well.....THAT didn't work out and we broke it off on New Years Eve....(great way to start a new year I tell ya!!). We didn't talk for a while, but then gradually the phone calls started...and they were LONG phone calls. He still came to Calgary for occasional business trips and we would spend time together -- it was great! Even better before I found out he was leaving.

Well...one day while in Calgary on a business trip, he broke the news with me that he was moving back to Calgary because he wanted to be with me. As soon as he moved back, we lived with my parents for a couple of weeks before finding a suitable place. Well....that was three years ago. And we are still in the same place.

We have discussed marriage and children, and both of us....at least that is what he says....want the same thing. Well....I'm ready to start my life...I want kids, I want a husband. I want the responsibility that goes along with life. There is only so much time we have and I want to make the best out of the time that is given to me. Over the past year, my hints regarding engagment and marriage have become more often.

Then came Valentines day (or the day before anyway), where he gave me a promise ring. I was so excited because it was a first step and that must count right? Well...I told my best friend, and she talked about it with her husband. APPARENTLY....men only give their significant others a promise ring to shut them up for a while. This really hurt me. I let it sit for a while and then couldn't hold it in any longer and asked him about it. He said no and the only reason he gave me the ring was because he couldn't afford the one that he wanted to give me and that I would have to wait until after our cruise vacation at the beginning of May. So of course I let it go and believed him. But...I don't know anymore because whenever I want to talk about the future (buying a house, having kids, etc....) he doesn't want to talk about it. So....this is where the questions start.

Is this true? Do promise rings mean nothing anymore? Did he just buy me one to shut me up? And if so...why did he tell me that he already had one picked up and I would have to wait until after our Vacation? Its already a month and a half past our vacation....and nothing. In fact...the other week, we had a little fight and he said "This is why you don't have your ring yet". I don't understand. What did he mean by that? Is he wanting me to change? I've never wanted him to change, I love him for who he is. But it sometimes feels like he doesn't love me enough to want to be with me....to marry me.

I normally wouldn't post something like this on here....but I haven't been able to stop crying for the past couple of days. Every single time I think about it, my eyes well up in tears, and I get really emotional. I've even cried myself to bed at night before I have no idea whats so wrong with me that he wouldn't want to be with me.

Im thinking of giving him a time limit (of course Im not going to tell him about it) and even my friend said it was a good idea (different friend). I was thinking my birthday, but...the problem is. I've always given him time limits in my head...the first one was after four years because HE SAID before he gets married again, he has to date the girl for 2 years and then live with her for 2 years....as you can see....been much longer then that. And the next time limit ended just a couple weeks ago. Ever single time the date approaches, I always tell myself that "Ill give him just a little while longer"....and then nothing....

Help! Please...I want to stop crying.

[Little]

I think that saying promise rings are only given to "shut women up" is a rough way of putting it. Believe him first of all, then think about it this way:
What if your boyfriend isn't ready to be married again just yet? You said he's divorced and I personally know that the Marines put nasty ideas into your head about what your girlfriend/wife is doing ... even if she isn't doing it. So he's probably pretty insecure too.
But he wants to make you happy. He wants the relationship to progress, so he gets you a significant piece of jewelry to keep you happy while he is getting used to the idea of being married again, this time hopefully to the right girl.
As a generalization, women want relationships to move towards marriage faster than men do. And people who have never married are going to want to move faster than a divorcé would. So take the promise ring for what it is ... a PROMISE. And no more tears

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with Little.

And, friends will always tell it how "they see it", not how it was meant from an individual person..

You asked him why and he stated that he wanted to buy you a ring but can not afford to do so.. But, hey..... he obviously thought about it and how to over come that....

To me a "Promise" ring says "your mine" and i love you...

If his finances don't allow him yet to buy you an engagement ring... chances in addition to what Little said, a wedding costs money to, children as well, a house...

He would be adding it all up... and one step at a time to achieve goals...

Don't give him a time limit... (don't keep secrets), talk to him without being up-set instead of your girlfriends. Only you know him inside out, they don't and can cloud your judgement.

Why not let him know that you understand all the costs involved in buying a house, a ring, marriage and discuss saving, a plan and tell him your understanding where time is concerened due to finances.

I bet you you will see such a relief on his face, that shows and he'll talk more about it all with you as a result.

And smile.. promise rings say "your mine"...

CW

[damd]

I think that a lot of what Little said is true, I don't think that a promise ring is a "shut-up" ring, but that ultimatley depends on him. So, what does he want? What are his plans for you guy's future? Does he want kids? In all honesty has he told you what his plans for the future and his dreams are? If not, then you need to sit with him and find out. Tell him you would like to talk to him. Ask him about his plans, don't bring yourself into it by telling him yours, find out if his plans coincide with yours.
As for what he said, you two were fighting. Have you ever said hurtful things to him while you were fighting? Has he apologized for it? If not, why? Maybe you should ask him what he meant by it.
Good luck

[Links]

Alot of what you have said makes sense....but....just some things I can't agree with so I still am confused....

Money isn't really a problem at all...we are pretty well for our age....which was another reason why I asked him about the promise ring because he said that he has to pay off the cruise first but that was already paid off last summer and I was taking care of the rest (spending money, etc....). So....I think his "can't afford it" was...just another excuse.

He already has a 11 year old boy whom I love to death....

As for the rest....NO!!! HE HASN'T TALKED TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! I try....and he changes the subject....but then he always talks about when we buy our house....when we do this....hes even mentioned about buying Harley's to do a camping thing when we are older and how much fun it would be to go golfing together when we are like 60 and 70....but he never talks about the immediate future....so....yeah....I dunno....

And as for that.....he never apologizes for anything that he has said during a fight....I do all the time....in fact....I can't remember that last time he apologized to me except to say 'sorry' if he bumped me by accident while walking by....

Thanks for all the words of advice....but....I dunno....Im still lost.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, men are totally different... I think.

They don't like to apologise, let alone show any form of emotion..

Sorry? Not in their vocabulary..

Okay men, not talking about all of you....

I still think that the "promise ring" is - your mine...

I still think that Little is correct, if not finances, then fear of what happened in his past, and only time will heal that and only time will show him your special/different.

It makes perfect sense to me, if he is talking future, then he sees one.

If he is not talking present, he's wary.

Caucious.

If he shows love... hugs you, kisses you, holds you, then he loves you and as someone else said here, Women want today, Men are okay with tomorrow.

CW

[damd]

I hear what you are saying. I really think it would be in your best intrest to have a serious discussion with him. Not right now, not tomorrow, but when you two are alone, not doing anything and have no distractions. Ask him about his plans, his future, his needs and wants. Ask him where you fit in. Be patient with him. If he changes the subject or can't answer those questions ask him why. Tell him that you need him to communicate with you. If he still can't do it, then I don't know what to say. Communication is a essential part of any relationship.

Good luck

[talk time]

It sounds like this is becoming something you argue about instead of being something exciting.

I know you have given it lots of time already but you may need to give it a little more time just for the dust to settle. Wait a few weeks or a month or so and then tell him that you love him very much and give him your version of what you see in the future for both of you, including the time frames you see. Then ask him to do the same. Try and make it possitive and loving, not a hassle. he may feel scared and pressured, although god knows you have been patient.

If he can't give you what you want then you have a choice to make.

Who knows though you could be wearing that new engagement ring and planning your wedding/marriage before you know it.

Good luck.

tt

[commonsense]

Alot of what you have said makes sense....but....just some things I can't agree with so I still am confused....

Money isn't really a problem at all...we are pretty well for our age....which was another reason why I asked him about the promise ring because he said that he has to pay off the cruise first but that was already paid off last summer and I was taking care of the rest (spending money, etc....). So....I think his "can't afford it" was...just another excuse.

He already has a 11 year old boy whom I love to death....

As for the rest....NO!!! HE HASN'T TALKED TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! I try....and he changes the subject....but then he always talks about when we buy our house....when we do this....hes even mentioned about buying Harley's to do a camping thing when we are older and how much fun it would be to go golfing together when we are like 60 and 70....but he never talks about the immediate future....so....yeah....I dunno....

And as for that.....he never apologizes for anything that he has said during a fight....I do all the time....in fact....I can't remember that last time he apologized to me except to say 'sorry' if he bumped me by accident while walking by....

Thanks for all the words of advice....but....I dunno....Im still lost.

My take on this is he sees you as someone he would like to marry/be with in his future. He has shown that by moving back, buying the promise ring, and talking about having a future with you. He's just not ready RIGHT NOW. If you continue to pressure him, you will push him away. Give him more time, ease off the questions and it should work out. What he meant by "see what I mean" is he's feeling pressured and pushed.

[UMMINGBYRD]

Promise ring

Girl the hint is neither one of you are ready to commit to the grown-up world. You have yet to pass the grown up test. If you were then instead of a vacation cruise you would have saved the money to put towards a ring, or a savings account. Your boyfriend knows this, that is why you have a promise ring... And not a promise. He aint ready and good for him. He is smart, and you are impatient. You cant rush a man. When he is ready you will know, and there will be no question. Trust his lead. Which is honey i love ya but now is not the time... And guess what... That's ok. Time will give you both the chance to know each others true intentions, and time enough to change your minds if need be. Your so young.... Please take a deep breath take your time ... Learn who you are.... Best of luck