[tstic364]

Hello! First off, thank you for reading this. I need to get something off my chest, but I can't tell any of my family or friends, so I thought I could let it out here and then maybe get some advice.

First off, I have been married for 7 years, almost 8. My husband is wonderful, handsome, caring, loving... you name it he is it. We are still in very much in love and he is everything that I would want in a husband, except one thing. He works a TON and I am often lonely and craving his attention. We have talked about this before, but it never changes. We do have three small children (6, and 23 months old twins) that I feel are the cause of us not being able to spend a lot of time together. I am not blaming the kids, but the do take a lot of our time. Nonetheless, hubby thinks everything is going great, and for the most part they are. Just me a bit lonley..

Here is the problem. I have been talking very occasionally to this guy I used to date when I was in my teens. I think about him ALL the time... It has always been very friendly conversation, just saying hi and how are you.. That kind of stuff. Well, he is in the military, but just came home for a few weeks on leave and we live a few minutes away from each other. I really want to go see this person even though I have no idea what I would say or do. Are these feelings normal? Does everyone go through something like this? How do I get these feelings to go away? I don't want to ruin my marriage, but the thought of seeing him is SOOOO tempting! I don't know if I just want to see, or if my feelings are sexual. I can't figure it out. I am so tempted to meet up with him, but I keep telling myself that I would loose a Great husband and I would really hurt my children. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Fallen1]

Stay away!

You already stated that you are lonely. This guy has already peaked your interest as you stated that you think about him all the time. Also it seems that by stating that you don't want to loose a great husband you have already thought about things that may go beyond just talking - i.e. I wouldn't think you'd loose a husband by just talking.

My opinion is meeting him is just a recipe for disaster.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with Fallen 1.

Your thoughts are based on Fantasy, even if they are tame, only talking. It's a world that you are creating for yourself, as there is something missing in your life.

If we ALL had it ALL, we'd be singing to the birds daily and walking on clouds. Things can't always be perfect but it sounds like yours is pretty close that being with your husband.

The solution for you is to find a hobby something you absolutely love, even if it is at home and you can't get out.

Life is all about your kids/husband but it's also about you.

If your lonely, then your bored. Start reading recipe books and come up with exotic meals even, once a week, and as your kids are young, you and hubby have dinner later, with candles.

Make it a rule.

It's interest for you, plus romance.

Definately do not go and see some guy that you remember you liked, but now would be a totally different person, and get caught up in something stu=pid that would then make you lose your family life.

CW

[anonymouswhitefemale]

He works a ton to support you and your family, and you repay him by wanting to skip off with someone else to get shagged.

Deary me.

If my hypothetical wife did that you have no idea how mad and disappointed I'd be. Suffice to say, they would gone from my life forever. Who knows, maybe I'd even try to get custody of the kids somehow, and I'd lick the tears from her face to taste her pain...

Or something. Haha.

[tstic364]

I know you are all right, the problem is, how do I get these feelings out of my mind? I talked with a good friend of mine last night b/c I have also been somewhat down in the dumps about hubby being gone all the time. Yes, he works very hard to support us, but the thing is, he doesn't have to work as much as he does. He is a work-a-holic. He is literally gone over 15 days a month and then when he is home, he is working on projects or his hobby job. He is a fire captain and he has a hard time refusing overtime, he also has a second job that started off as a huge hobby for him, nothe just makes good money at it. I think he is money hungry and I would even go as far as saying that he puts money over his family, although he would beg to differ.

Maybe there is more to it that I am telling. When we get along, we get along GREAT, it's the rest of the times that I get concerned about. He doesn't like to listen to my feelings and does not validate how I am feeling. He came home from work the other day after being gone for 2 1/2 days and got mad at me and we had a big argument b/c I didn't have my "happy face" on when he came home. I literally walk on egg shells around him 70% of the time for fear of when he is going to get mad again. On 4th of July he worked all day long until finally at 5pm I asked him to spend time with us. He does this all the time. When I talk to him on the phone he tells me how excited he is to come home and spend time with and play with the kids. But as soon as he gets home he does the opposite, he starts working on some project and gets mad about the kids crying for his attention.

Ok, so, no more excuses. I could type a whole new thread about that portion of the relationship. Really, I want to know how to get this person who consumes all my thoughts out of my mind! If I were ready to end the relationship b/c of the terms above, I would have already. It's this darn person... I like your advice Chandlers wish, but I have tried that before and the emptiness that I feel has not gone away. I need him in my life, and I am not sure he is willing to give more than he already has... Perhaps this other guy is only fantasy... I guess I have some real work to do in trying to figure out how to get hubby to spend more time with the family and his wife. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do.....

[Fallen1]

Maybe there is more to it that I am telling. When we get along, we get along GREAT, it's the rest of the times that I get concerned about. He doesn't like to listen to my feelings and does not validate how I am feeling. He came home from work the other day after being gone for 2 1/2 days and got mad at me and we had a big argument b/c I didn't have my "happy face" on when he came home. I literally walk on egg shells around him 70% of the time for fear of when he is going to get mad again. On 4th of July he worked all day long until finally at 5pm I asked him to spend time with us. He does this all the time. When I talk to him on the phone he tells me how excited he is to come home and spend time with and play with the kids. But as soon as he gets home he does the opposite, he starts working on some project and gets mad about the kids crying for his attention.

I know you said that he doesn't like to listen to your feelings but you need to try and sit him down and tell him exactly what you have stated in the above. Let him know that the state of your relationship is worrying you. Be honest with him, tell him you are lonely and that you and your kids need him. Maybe he doesn't realize how things really are.

[damd]

Yes, I would have to believe the what you are feeling is normal. There is a void in your life and you think this man can fill it. Thats probably why it is the leading cause of house wife infidelity. But it's good that you are evaluationg your situation from a logical point because make no mistake, you will loose your family over this. Although I do not have a problem with opposite sex friendships in a marriage, you are tempted by this man. Continuing any type of a relationship with him is like a recovering alcoholic moving into a house right next door to a bar or pub. So weigh your options carefully. Do you believe a relationship with this man is worth the fallout, not if but when you get caught?

As for your problems with your husband. I fully believe that communication is the foundation of all good marriages. Be smart, talk to your husband in a non threatening setting. Keep your cool even if he looses his.

Good luck to you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

From reading what you have written.

It sounds to me like there is a problem... Him.... Work....

He WANTS to be a family man, husband but he is CONSUMED with work, own choice i think, as he comes home and carries on as well.

He's IN LOVE with his job/work and his intentions are to come home and be that man, he has will and desire to do so, but he can't leave the work behind where it belongs, even if he left the paperwork/computer, his mind is constantly on it.

Hense, when he gets home he's mentally not there.

He accuses you of not smiling, because he needs that to feel that he is home, but that doesn't happen, as your sad over it all, rightly so, and so, he then retreats and does more work.

When he walks in, smile hand him a lunch box, give him a beer and when he says what? Laugh and say, well the beer is for welcome home, the lunch box is for work tomorrow, cause i'm ahead of myself...

He'll laugh i am sure. And, drink one as well and talk, so how was your day, missed you...

See if his mood automatically changes.

It could be that he feels that home is un-happy and spends all his energy on work.

Whilst you feel, he's spending his energy on work, and not wanting him.

Hense, he won't discuss it, as it's one sided, your thoughts..

If you try something like this as an experiment, then you can ascertain whether or not this is the case, it is usually an equal street.

And, if this is the case, then you know the reason and you can work towards the answer, as your both just staying out of each other's way.

[tstic364]

Thanks for the advice Chandlers wish.... I dont know if I even have it in me to try that right now, but it deserves some thought.

We had a very long conversation last night and I just don't think that he is willing to change. He wants to work as much as he wants, and he wants me to stay home, take care of the kids, and be happy about him being a great provider. That is what he is, a great financial provider. The rest of it is not there. We have been down this road so many times, and it never changes. He made a comment last night that maybe this is all marriage is, maybe it will always be one thing after another with us. Maybe it will, I don't really know. I know I don't have it in me any more to argue with him, I know that I want to enjoy my life and my kids life before it passes me by and they are all grown up. I know I want to do that with him, but only if he is willing, and it this point it does not seem like he is. So, I guess the real question now is, how long do I wait for him? My heart hurts... I feel like I am continually asking him to spend a little time with us and he just brushes it aside. Why can't we just get a long? If you knew me you would know that I really am the easiest person to get along with. I don't argue just for the sake of arguing. Most of the time I have a true happy face on. I am a happy person, except for this. Is it really to much to ask to want to spend more time with my husband, the father of our children? Is this what marriage is really all about? Does it get better than this?

Here is an example... He is mad that we are having a party this sunday for our daughters sixth birthday. he says he does not want people in the house and making it dirty. I have heard time after time how angry he is about this party, he won't let it go. Why would someone get so mad about having a party for his daughter's birthday? I don't get it.... I could go on and on with more examples, but I won't... Thank you all for reading this again....

[jayjay]

A lot of people 'work a ton' but they find time to be with their family. They make time.
Your husband isn't because he doesn't want to be. Don't let anyone tell you..."Oh, feel
grateful he works so hard for You," he's not working 'for you', he's filling his life with work
and doesn't want to hear how you feel.

Does this seem like a man who is working for you...or like a man who has a life away from you?

I get very suspicious about men who have to work all the time because that's always the
first excuse they give when they start an affair; working. Working late, have to go into
work on a weekend, have to take a business trip, and then when there's an emergency and
you call, he's not there.

When a man starts to find everything a problem, you can pretty much guess theres another woman somewhere in the rafters.