[CHANDLERS WISH]

Some men have immense difficulty with the terms of Marriage.

They understand that they want a woman whom is there for them and that they want children.

But, they have difficulty with the commitment of the whole thing, usually using the sentence of "financial support" as their way of explanation for the real term which is "I'm still a bachelor".

Marriages take a lot of hard work, two people now live in the same house, two people's needs / needs to be met.

Your missing warmth, love and intimacy and hence your "fantasy" is to have another man smile at you, hold you and make love to you even if only for one day. But, trust me, you may feel good for that short period of time, but you will feel absolutely dreadful for the rest of your life. Just not worth it, let any thoughts just be fantasy, not practicality.

The only thing you can do if he won't listen to logic is to start doing things for yourself and with your children, even if it means he comes home and your not there, oh sorry, i took the kids out, try to let him start to think of what he would not have, if you all weren't there but in a manner of which he is not aware that that is what you are doing, so non-verbal.

Bottom line is, if you can't get him to reason and he won't do marriage counselling, and he doesn't change, then you may have to leave and find your own happiness as a last resort.

But, at least try some different things, out of the blue to gage his reaction, as i said, he could also be feeling stifled, that he is "Married" not with the woman who used to make him laugh and sexually turned on... Very common when marriage becomes chores, work and no play...

CW

[commonsense]

Thanks for the advice Chandlers wish.... I dont know if I even have it in me to try that right now, but it deserves some thought.

We had a very long conversation last night and I just don't think that he is willing to change. He wants to work as much as he wants, and he wants me to stay home, take care of the kids, and be happy about him being a great provider. That is what he is, a great financial provider. The rest of it is not there. We have been down this road so many times, and it never changes. He made a comment last night that maybe this is all marriage is, maybe it will always be one thing after another with us. Maybe it will, I don't really know. I know I don't have it in me any more to argue with him, I know that I want to enjoy my life and my kids life before it passes me by and they are all grown up. I know I want to do that with him, but only if he is willing, and it this point it does not seem like he is. So, I guess the real question now is, how long do I wait for him? My heart hurts... I feel like I am continually asking him to spend a little time with us and he just brushes it aside. Why can't we just get a long? If you knew me you would know that I really am the easiest person to get along with. I don't argue just for the sake of arguing. Most of the time I have a true happy face on. I am a happy person, except for this. Is it really to much to ask to want to spend more time with my husband, the father of our children? Is this what marriage is really all about? Does it get better than this?

Here is an example... He is mad that we are having a party this sunday for our daughters sixth birthday. he says he does not want people in the house and making it dirty. I have heard time after time how angry he is about this party, he won't let it go. Why would someone get so mad about having a party for his daughter's birthday? I don't get it.... I could go on and on with more examples, but I won't... Thank you all for reading this again....

You need to have the party somewhere else. There's plenty of places you can have kids parties.
That's the least of your problems. You are in an empty relationship that's already set up right now to head towards an affair. What I want to know is how much time were you spending together before the kids?

Be sure he's really "working" and not dating someone else. I heard the "working" story before. Usually when a man is into his family when he IS available he wants to do something together with the family.

Anyway, don't meet the guy and you need to stop talking to him also. You will develop feelings for him if you don't and complicate your life even more. If you can't tell him to his face (husband) you need to write him a letter. Let him know that you understand he is trying to take care of the family but you miss him and married him so that you could be with him too. Let him really know how sad you have become and that you want your marriage to work. Ask him if he could just have one "family day" a week to start. I hope this helps.

[tstic364]

Well, I am 100% positive he is not having an affair. Ok, maybe no one can be 100%, but I am almost certain that it is not the cause of him working so much.

We had another long conversation last night. The end result is interesting. He says the reason he gets so mad all the time, works all the time, and the reason he always finds things to do at home is because he doesn't like one of our kids. He says she drives him crazy, makes him in a bad mood, and he simply does not want to be around. He said it wasn't me, or the other two kids, it was her... I have NO idea what to think about all of this, and I have no idea how I feel about it. I know it makes me very sad, but everyone is entitled to feel how they want. He said it will pass when she is older, but I just don't know... I guess I will have to wait and see.. In the meantime we are going to take all the kids to a sitter one day a week, and have at least one date night a week even if we don't get out of the house. He will still work as much as he has been, and we agreed to hire some people to finish these projects around the house rather than him doing them.

I am skeptical that this will all work out. We have been down this road before and I feel like this is just another excuse. I don't trust what he has told, but for now I suppose I have to accept it and try to make things better. Only time will tell at this point. I just hope with all my heart that it is not to late... That he has hurt me and neglected the familt one to many times. I hope that I can fogive him and continue to be in love with him. At this point I just don't know, and he knows that. Thanks again for all of your advice.

[jayjay]

I hate being a butinsky, but the 'disliking' child sounds like a lie. What are you supposed
to do? Put the kid in a dumpster? I don't believe him. It sounds like an excuse, and I
don't think he is being honest.

I know alot of the other women here have been embarrassed when they 'spy' but I think it
is protection to do this. From what you've posted, I just don't trust him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, I am 100% positive he is not having an affair. Ok, maybe no one can be 100%, but I am almost certain that it is not the cause of him working so much.

We had another long conversation last night. The end result is interesting. He says the reason he gets so mad all the time, works all the time, and the reason he always finds things to do at home is because he doesn't like one of our kids. He says she drives him crazy, makes him in a bad mood, and he simply does not want to be around. He said it wasn't me, or the other two kids, it was her... I have NO idea what to think about all of this, and I have no idea how I feel about it. I know it makes me very sad, but everyone is entitled to feel how they want. He said it will pass when she is older, but I just don't know... I guess I will have to wait and see.. In the meantime we are going to take all the kids to a sitter one day a week, and have at least one date night a week even if we don't get out of the house. He will still work as much as he has been, and we agreed to hire some people to finish these projects around the house rather than him doing them.

I am skeptical that this will all work out. We have been down this road before and I feel like this is just another excuse. I don't trust what he has told, but for now I suppose I have to accept it and try to make things better. Only time will tell at this point. I just hope with all my heart that it is not to late... That he has hurt me and neglected the familt one to many times. I hope that I can fogive him and continue to be in love with him. At this point I just don't know, and he knows that. Thanks again for all of your advice.

If he is telling the truth, that's a selfish attitude and certainly not one a Father should be making, and the child would certainly feel it and aggravate him more..

The child is probably seeking his attention all the time, because he/she isn't getting it, you mentioned before that not you or the children are getting his attention.

So, this is an excuse that he can change, nothing to do with he/she getting older but more love.

Physcologically this can be damaging as well for that child, whilst the other two may simple be more placid.

He needs to understand this, if he is telling you the truth.

You know whether or not that child is seeking attention, you would be able to judge that, as you live there.

As for you've tried too many times. The thing is once you know you have tried everything, every avenue, each time losing bits and pieces of that love, one day, you will lose it all but at the same time, know that you tried everything and be okay about it all, move on. Or, best scenario the last try was the one that worked.

Best of luck.

[rcoreyus]

It is possible to dislike a child - I know of one case. But - a parent is duty bound to do whatever they can to hide that dislike and at least act like they love their child.

I hate being a butinsky, but the 'disliking' child sounds like a lie. What are you supposed
to do? Put the kid in a dumpster? I don't believe him. It sounds like an excuse, and I
don't think he is being honest.

I know alot of the other women here have been embarrassed when they 'spy' but I think it
is protection to do this. From what you've posted, I just don't trust him.

[kaseyjo]

don't do it..it won't solve your marriage problems-my husband just did this to me...and here i'am with 4 kids..always faithful...