[tipsterwest]

I can write a looong story but brief and to the point is my question below. Please ask me more details if it would clarify things and thank you in advance for your insights and advice.

I was seeing someone and broke up a long time ago. He broke up with me because of another Do and throughout the relationship he was controlling and degrading and even made me doubt myself about having emotional issues. During his first few months with her, he was still contacting me (for sex basically). I finally told him to stop or I would tell his girl. He threatened me and we exchanged some pretty nasty emails.

Even though I don't want this guy back (and I'm not just saying this. I really really don't) I need some closure on this. I really need to talk to someone, and non of my friends knew about him nor did I know any of his. I know that they broke up and I really want to talk to the girl. To understand if he did the same things to her, and I guess partly because I am curious about her too. Do you think it's unreasonable of me to want this, or do you think she would appreciate talking too or I'll just be bugging her?

By the way, when he first broke up with me, I sent her an innocent message. Simply because I was curious, and I was obviously not over him then. She was nice to me and we exchanged a few messages. Somehow he found out and threatened me not to talk to her. And I'm sure he probably said nasty things about me. (I know this from the way he talked about his ex and just his general style). So I'm hesitant of bothering her, and also from his finding out. I really don't want to receive any more threat-hate emails from him.

I just really want to talk to the girl as friends, and maybe even BE friends. Any comments suggestions and advice is highly appreciated. Thank you so much!

[tipsterwest]

Well I guess it wasn't that brief after all But I really tried my best. Lot's of things I'm skipping even as it is!

[damd]

Well I guess it wasn't that brief after all But I really tried my best. Lot's of things I'm skipping even as it is!

I'm sure that there is but I think it's necessarry. Look if your really want to be over this guy, then let it go. Sure you are curious about how he treated her but there is the problem, you are still wondering about him. Your mind can not move past him. I am not trying to be rude but get over it. Learn from your mistakes, he was an *ss, look for someone better who is not controlling and degrading.

If you want to contact this girl and be best of buds, go for it. But don't call her to start the Anti-whateverhisnameis Club.

Quit thinking about him and go out there and have fun.

Good luck to you

[tipsterwest]

Hi. first thanks for responding. I understand what you're saying and I sometimes also doubt if I want to do this because I am not letting go. But I am really sure I don't ever want to get back with this person. In fact I am happily involved with someone else at the moment.

Here is in more detail why I want to do this:

This guy was a controller and treated me badly. I just need someone to talk about this with. He went as far as making me doubt that I had emotional problems. I just really want to know if the same things happened with her. It's no for the purpose of bad mouthing him but just sharing with someone that might understand better than anyone else and understanding what happened a little better maybe. Because some stuff still lingers in my head sometimes, and I'm scared it will affect my other relationships. I just think it might help me understand better and bring it to closure. She also seems like a good person.

[damd]

I do see your point. And yeah past relationships tend to affect current and future ones. Especially if the relationship was bad like the one you had. You don't want to be victimized again so you might get peranoid and see things in the other person that is not there.

You want closer, is talking to his latest ex going to give you that, or is calling him up and telling him about his behavior?

You think that this other girl might of had a simular experience. Ok, and she might need some help moving past him. But, she might not be ready to talk about it. So be careful if you do contact her.

Anyways it is good that you do have a new man in your life, don't spend to much time talking to him about your ex.

Take care

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Tipsterwest
I just need someone to talk about this with. He went as far as making me doubt that I had emotional problems. I just really want to know if the same things happened with her. It's no for the purpose of bad mouthing him but just sharing with someone that might understand better than anyone else and understanding what happened a little better maybe. Because some stuff still lingers in my head sometimes, and I'm scared it will affect my other relationships. I just think it might help me understand better and bring it to closure.

During his first few months with her, he was still contacting me (for sex basically). I finally told him to stop or I would tell his girl. He threatened me and we exchanged some pretty nasty emails.

It is strange. Sometimes as much as we as Woman "dislike" the way we were treated, we tend to continue, go back for more, find someone simular.

You know he was "controlling and abusive" you've said it in two posts, yet, you still slept with him, after you broke up and whilst he was in another relationship.

Firstly, what are you going to do? Tell her that? Are you really holding guilt, did you really want her to tell you he was the same with her, so you can then tell her, that he threatened you via emails, so you had to?

You say you were worried that you may have had emotional issues. An abuser pushes the buttons on all women whom let them, and the weaker they can make them the better. The aim is to get them so low, that they will do anything for them, and they will not leave them ever. Sure, he left you, but he still had you. On the side.

The closure you are after, is "it wasn't me after all", even though i am soft, and a tad weak, it wasn't my emotions at all, it was him, he was a controller and an abuser, now i know for sure and i can move on.

Let me tell you sweet, you are correct. Even if you have a soft nature, that doesn't mean you'll end up with another person like this that wants to control you, has you at their wym, when they want, even if they break up...

It was in fact him. Not you.

What you need to take from this is to ensure that you stand on your own two feet next time, early in this relationship that you are in for instance, do not allow a person to control you, rather meet you in the middle. The 50/50 street rule.

You don't need to speak with her, she may have been a lot stronger person and his controlling may not have been as strong with her therefore, or she may have been like you and it was, so they have also broken up.

What you need to do is to understand that he bought you down, nothing more, nothing less and move on with your life, knowing that.

Close the door on both of them and be happy..

CW

[tipsterwest]

It is strange. Sometimes as much as we as Woman "dislike" the way we were treated, we tend to continue, go back for more, find someone simular.

You know he was "controlling and abusive" you've said it in two posts, yet, you still slept with him, after you broke up and whilst he was in another relationship.

Firstly, what are you going to do? Tell her that? Are you really holding guilt, did you really want her to tell you he was the same with her, so you can then tell her, that he threatened you via emails, so you had to?

You say you were worried that you may have had emotional issues. An abuser pushes the buttons on all women whom let them, and the weaker they can make them the better. The aim is to get them so low, that they will do anything for them, and they will not leave them ever. Sure, he left you, but he still had you. On the side.

The closure you are after, is "it wasn't me after all", even though i am soft, and a tad weak, it wasn't my emotions at all, it was him, he was a controller and an abuser, now i know for sure and i can move on.

Let me tell you sweet, you are correct. Even if you have a soft nature, that doesn't mean you'll end up with another person like this that wants to control you, has you at their wym, when they want, even if they break up...

It was in fact him. Not you.

What you need to take from this is to ensure that you stand on your own two feet next time, early in this relationship that you are in for instance, do not allow a person to control you, rather meet you in the middle. The 50/50 street rule.

You don't need to speak with her, she may have been a lot stronger person and his controlling may not have been as strong with her therefore, or she may have been like you and it was, so they have also broken up.

What you need to do is to understand that he bought you down, nothing more, nothing less and move on with your life, knowing that.

Close the door on both of them and be happy..

CW

Hi,

It's not very smart to write such a long comment when you either didn't read or misunderstood what I wrote. I stopped reading after I read 'yet, you still slept with him'. I didn't...So most probably the rest of your post doesn't make much sense. I will read it anyway after I post this, just out of curiosity.

[Fire(m)]

I think it would be good for you to contact this other woman. Just gut instinct...but that's just my opinion. I think maybe what you're looking for is to see if when you speak with her, if you're effectively looking in any sort of a "mirror". That might provide you with some of the inight you're looking for.

You might end up disappointed by contacting her, but I don't think you can let it go until you do.

If I could caution you about one thing it would be to try to avoid perpetuating your "victimhood". When I say that I am not trying to say something rude. I'm just saying that you should attempt to keep looking (and moving) forward in your life. Look for a new man and continue on with your life with the knowledge of the past, and how to avoid becoming a victim to someone else. Just don't allow yourself the indiscretion of perpetuating the victim by staying broken over this. If you have to, force yourself to move beyond him (and her) and the whole emotionally draining package. I think you may be pretty broken (heart) right now, but you can unbreak yourself, and pull on your inner strength to overcome this.

Good luck!
Cheers.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi,

It's not very smart to write such a long comment when you either didn't read or misunderstood what I wrote. I stopped reading after I read 'yet, you still slept with him'. I didn't...So most probably the rest of your post doesn't make much sense. I will read it anyway after I post this, just out of curiosity.

tipsterwest
Any comments suggestions and advice is highly appreciated. Thank you so much!

It's also not very smart, to ask for comments suggestions as being highy appreciated then ascertain perhaps it was "misunderstood" and be rude

tipsterwest
throughout the relationship he was controlling and degrading and even made me doubt myself about having emotional issues. During his first few months with her, he was still contacting me (for sex basically).

Easily "misundertood"....

Fire(m)
If I could caution you about one thing it would be to try to avoid perpetuating your "victimhood".

Damd
You don't want to be victimized again so you might get peranoid

CW
Even if you have a soft nature, that doesn't mean you'll end up with another person like this that wants to control you.

CW

What you need to do is to understand that he bought you down, nothing more, nothing less and move on with your life, knowing that.

Close the door on both of them and be happy..

[maz33]

Hi,

It's not very smart to write such a long comment when you either didn't read or misunderstood what I wrote. I stopped reading after I read 'yet, you still slept with him'. I didn't...So most probably the rest of your post doesn't make much sense. I will read it anyway after I post this, just out of curiosity.

I hope, since posting this rude reply, that you have managed to read all of CW's post. Maybe you'll take on board some of the good advice and comments she offered.