[Freckles]

I am writing this because I am curious about what other woman think and could use some outside advice on the situation. I have been married 15 years and have 3 children (13,11,9), For the most part we have always had a pretty good relationship. I trusted him completely and believed anything this man said to me. He's not perfect, but neither am I. He is very lazy, and has never done much to help me with the yard and house. I have always hated that, but made the excuse that he is a great father and always comes home to me and used to be very loving toward me. Anyway last Christmas Eve, a text message came through and I found out he was texting a co-worker quite a bit. One message said "Good night beautiful" and another said " I wish I was there with you." So I asked him about it and the first thing he said is that "she listens" then told me she was just a friend. I found out more secrets, for instance I had a Christmas party at work and he said he didn't really like my friends and told me he didnt want to go, only to find out he went shopping with his co-worker and he doesn't really like to shop. With all the fighting going on my children came up to me and told me he had kissed their babysitter. They thought we were fighting about this and my oldest told me that a boy at school told her that her dad had come to his house to see his mother and told her he was divorced and when she found out that he wasn't she dumped him. She than stated that the boy lies a lot. All this came out Christmas day. For a while I felt pretty broken.

I confronted him about all this. He tried to lie about the babysitter and I told him that his kids would not lie about it and he finally told me the truth. I then confronted the babysitter, whose daughter is best friends with my 11 year old, she told me it was just one kiss and that she knew it was wrong and started telling him he needed to go home and talk to me about our problems. We have all been friends for years, so my gut told me to believe her. I explained to her that if the girls hung out that I would be the one to pick them up and that my husband could not longer come over and told him the same. As far as she is concerned things have worked out. She doesnt make contact and he doesn't go over.

If I was going to save my marriage things would have to change. I asked about the boy at schools mother and he said that she was a friend from high school, but told me that it was all a lie and that this never happened. The problem is that he lied about the babysitter until I told him our kids told me. With this one, I have not proof. So if it is true I will never know.

Confronted third woman ( the texting co-worker) and she told me that he was a perfect gentlemen and that they just went shopping nothing more. She said they were just friends. But with her there was no remorse in fact she said that their friendship was special to her and that she would tuck the past two weeks into a sweet dream. by the way she was also going through a divorce and I guess my husband was happy to lend her his shoulder. She said she never wanted to be a dirty secret and would stop talking to him. He said the same thing. While yelling at me he told me he was sorry and that nothing ever happened and that he didn't want me to leave. He even deleted her name from the phone.

The only problem is that a week later I got a gut feeling that he just changed the name and when he went to sleep I checked his phone and found out that I was right.

Since then he has told me that he was sorry. The problem is that he won't talk to me about any of this. When I bring it up he starts yelling. In fact, everytime we discussed it fighting and yelling is all I got. He told me that it happened months ago and he has moved on and so should I. He keeps saying I thought we were past this. I was just supposed to be greatful that he is here with me and forget any of this ever happened.

He never talked to me about it. I tried telling him how I felt inside and how all this has left me so insure that I can't even think straight. Of course I cried a lot. Most of the time he just stares straight and doesn't say anything like he is tuning me out. Our 15 anniversery came up and I kept thinking we would do something special, considering everything that has happened and the fact that I stayed. We used to at least go to dinner, but nothing this year. We were busy on that day with the kids, but it could have been another day. I guess I am looking for a sign that he still loves me.

I probably should of left, but we have been married 15 years. I told myself that if the babysitter was the only one he kissed and that nothing happened with the others, then maybe we still had a chance to fix this. I have no proof about the other women. I know he lied about the kiss, so he is probably lying about everything else. I have caught him in several lies. I just don't want to leave unless I am sure I have tried.

He loves his kids, and I sometimes believe that he is still here because of them. I just cant seem to get him to talk to me about anything real. Affairs aside, I just want him to talk to me about us. We seem to be growing even further apart. Last night I told him I just wanted us to be the way we used to. That I wanted to be the friend he came to when he needed to talk. He just said I thought we were best friends. I told him that he may be here, but I feel even more alone. We don't talk, watch tv together. We shoot archery together, but it is the only thing that we discuss now. If we are not talking archery, then we don't really talk.

Some where in the middle of all this, he found out he had diabetes, he takes medicine now and is doing better, but out sex life has gone done hill. I find myself asking for it and being turned down. My thought is that if he is not sleeping with me than who. We go a whole month without and that is not normal for us.
After everything we have been threw and now this. Maybe his sex drive is gone or is he having an affair. I don't know. I feel bad because maybe it is a health issue. He still won't talk to me about it and I am still so insecure because of everything else that i believe the worst. I just want to be happy again. We do have some good days, but for the most part I feel alone. It has been 7 months and I feel that if I was going to leave, I should have done it a long time ago. I just keep waiting for it to get better. I try to keep busy with my kids and that helps. I am just longing for some affection and I dont me just sex. I just wish he would hold me like he used to tell me that it is okay.

I am sorry this is so long, but I have been reading the forum and didn't really have anyone to talk to about all this and I am afraid that if I keep it all locked up inside for to long that I will lose myself.

[maz33]

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through with your husband, and it does sound as if he's still got something on his mind that he's not sharing with you. Maybe he is still playing around but doesn't want to lose you or the kids. For your peace of mind you've got to try and get him to be completely honest- only then will you be able to move on. Could it be that he feels 'neglected' by you in some way? He said this other woman "listens"...listens to what? What is he talking to her about that he feels he can't say to you, or that he feels you don't listen to?

Maybe he's scared of hurting you or the kids if he owns up to not being happy. But he's hurting you already. Maybe he's scared that you'll use the kids to punish him. Explain to him that you will both always be parents to your kids, but you can't go on not knowing what to believe, who to trust. If he doesn't want to be married to you, it's only fair that he tells you. (Pot/kettle I hear some of you say but anyway)...

At the end of the day, whether he's kissed one woman or 3, something is wrong and you need to know where you stand.

Good luck

[Freckles]

When all this started in our marriage, I did realize that maybe I had neglected him. You see for five years I was going to college and when I was home I was studying or taking care of the kids. Since he never helped me out that alone kept me busy. Then I graduated and found a job in another town. So again I was gone alot. It took me an hour to get to work and another to get home. I am a teacher and so there was always meetings or I would have to tutor after school. I do tend to work alot. He once made the remark that after college he thought things would change and that I would be home more. As a result, I finished out the year and resigned from my job. I was hoping if I was home more that we could fix our relationship. So I am home, trying my hardest to get him to just communicate with me. I want to trust him again, but he is making it very hard for me.

I have told him that if he is unhappy to just be honest. I also told him that I would never take the kids away from him. I understand that they need both of us and they have been through enough. "He just says I am here aren't I."

From my prospective, I do not believe he is happy and that he is probably just as confused as me. I do still love him and I know is actions were wrong, but I can't seem to let any of this go. I guess I am just getting tired of putting on a happy face and pretending to the outside world that everything is okay.

[maz33]

Have you considered and/or talked about marriage guidance counselling? 15 years is pretty good going, and it would be a shame for your marriage to fall apart because of a lack of communication. We all get caught up in our own busy lives with work, kids, college etc and I suppose we need to consciously make time for eachother. Act like we did before we were married, before we had kids, if that's possible.

We annoy eachother in one way or another after a while but I suppose if you want it to work badly enough, we do what it takes to stay together. Although, your husband saying "I'm here aren't I?" doesn't tell you why he's here (because he loves you and wants to be with you and only you), just that he is. Is that enough?

Maybe it would be good for your husband to have a third party helping you to communicate with eachother.

I should add that I'm in no way an expert on successful marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see other marriages work

[damd]

First, I am sorry for all that you are going through. Do not appologize for your post being so long, we all voluntarily read them, and it is good to have as much relavent information as possible.

I have witnessed a marriage dissenegrate from an extra marriatle affair. The cause was the lost of communication over a long period of time, however ultimately it was the man's selfishness that destroyed this marriage.Like you the woman just wanted things to be the way it was. Unfortunately, that is an impossiblilty. Life is nothing but change. Your marriage has moved into a different dirrection and it will never be the same. It is possible to mimick what it was like back then, but you are fully aware of all the experiences up to this point.

I would suggest marriage counseling. The problem of course, is that he doesn't open up to you so why would he open himself up to a professional. The answer is to save his marriage. Does he want this marriage to be saved? What does he want, truley? What does he want out of his life and of this marriage? If that is not the same as what you want, I don't see any point of continuing. Respect of each other is an important piece of a marriage and he has violated that. There are boundries that have to be established and you may have to write those down so that they are obsolutely clear what they are. (one would think that common sense would outline what those boundries are, but since he has over step them, he may need those defined for him) He is a grown man and should no right from wrong. It was his fault for seeking out another woman, not yours. However, you are going to have to look into what broke in your marriage.

Can you get past this? The woman from my experience went crazy. She did things that were... insane. I hope that you can keep your mind together, if not you need counseling for yourself.

Ultimately, it going to come down to can you trust him again. He has lied and is still lying to you now.

I wish you the best.

[rachel77]

Be Strong

I am also sorry to hear of your troubles. And of course, we are here to listen and to help you with your best interest in mind. I agree that counseling, to work on your communication, will be the key to regaining a loving marraige. If he will not go, I would try to go by yourself and see what you can do on your own. Fortunately women are such good communicators that even you alone can make a difference in your communication. I wish you the very best and be strong.. I know how tough it must be for you right now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi and Welcome to the Forum, it's great that you started reading and felt that if you wrote to us, maybe some advice may ring true to you and help.

Your Husband is seeking attention and love just as much as you are, but he has fallen out of love with you in that sense, rather loves the Mother of his Children.

You both have one thing in common only, a hobbie and that's all you talk about.

Your a work-a-holic at first he understood this, stood by you over this but you probably as a work-a-holic are like this at home as well, always keeping busy and fussying over the children, cooking meal, being a wife.

You both need to stop and look at this. Not at what he has done, by why he has done it and my experience with a few married people that i have spoken with the husband loves his wife, but all zing has gone, she is just a Mother, no longer the Lover and he seeks and craves that attention as to why he strays.

Think about the babysiter, she gave you clues "speak to your husband" she kissed him why? Out of self pity, what did he tell her that made her feel awee poor you and give him a kiss to make him feel better?

I am going to suggest something really bold on your behalf. Forget what he has done, doing for a sec. Because, unless you look deep inside, it will continue and you will become separated.

You are not to blame, so understand i am not saying this. He is not to blame although my beliefs are never ever stray, walk away... But, the core of the reasons why you both are un-happy.

You need to do things together, not just one hobby so you have common ground things to talk about, laugh about.

You need to not be so committed to all the things you are doing in your life, as they are outwaying obviously, closeness to your husband your space, time together, you probably watch different programmes on TV as well...

He needs to understand that you both have to "work" as well around the house, he has to help out in that yard, or do it, as you have enough on your plate but not because he feels like you told him to, but because you want to share more with him, let's start doing things together, including cleaning up the yard, i'll even have a water fight with you.

Start maybe having BBQ's with friends and have them over, and keep walking up to him, putting your arm around him laughing about something showing togetherness.

Get out there and do something else that you both enjoy, not just one hobby you need things to talk about.

Have a competition with him, cook chicken twice a week for-instance and you both have to take turns cooking it with what ever is in the fridge make it up, see who's better laugh about it.

The spice is gone and he is looking for spice.

Your just a wife, work-aholic and looking for love and attention.

Buy yourself something to wear to bed after you start doing all these things, watch a DVD that you hate with him that he loves and the following week he does the same, start communication, instead of i guess what i am saying, communicating only with why? Rather with lets......

Just my opinion

CW

[Freckles]

Thanks for listening

First of all, thanks for listening. All of you have said some insightful things and that is what I needed. I live in a small town, so I don't like to throw my life out there for people to gossip about. As a result, I have kept a lot to myself.

When all this started, I did ask him to come with me to a marriage guidance counselling. At first he agreed and said he would do anything if I stayed. As weeks went by everytime I brought it up he would start yelling and we would end up in a big fight. So I let it go.
Maz33 you are right about getting caught up in our busy life. We have become so comfortable together, that we both take each other for granted. I use to tell people that one of the reasons I married him was because he taught me how to have fun. I worked so much that even at nineteen, I didn't know how to stop and have fun.

Damd you are right about the fact that nothing will ever be the same. I probably needed to here that. Change has always been difficult for me. I am very structured individual. My husband did cross boundaries, and I am still having some trouble dealing with all the insecurities that come a long with it. I would like to think that I have grown from this experience and am starting to forgive a little, but am very afraid. Can I get past this? I want to!! At first I just wanted to give up and run because it was the easy way out. It also didn't help that the people that I did talk to about this, suggested that I start following him around. That craziness your talking about. At first I thought this was the only way, the problem is that this was not me. I can't imagine dropping everything to follow and make sure he is being good. Plus this was not healthy for my kids. I figured if I had to do all this to make it work, then I may as well end it. The crazy thoughts come to mind every now and then, I just choose not to act on them. I do admit that I did check his phone and request that he keep it on the charger. I told him that if he had no secrets, than this should not be a problem. I also checked the computer a lot, but that is about as crazy as I got. It is a small town and I figured if it was going to happen again, I would find out eventually.

[Your Husband is seeking attention and love just as much as you are, but he has fallen out of love with you in that sense, rather loves the Mother of his Children.]
To be honest, I never really looked at it in this way. I kept asking myself how some one that loves me could hurt me this way. I kept thinking this was all my fault for trusting to much and then I just got angry at him. Several months later, I don't blame myself and I am not as angry as I was just confused.
Archery is probably the one thing that has helped keep us together through all of this. We shoot as a family, and we travel all over to compete. It comsumes most of our summer, and the fighting slowly came to a hault. The feelings of insecurity and hurt are still there, but I have learned to talk and not yell.
We do like other things, like baseball and going on a bike ride. We have not done any of this in a while. That might be a place to start.

Soul searching is something that I have done a lot of. Trying to figure out what I really wanted out of this and who I am as a person. I was always so busy trying to please others that I forgot about me. What made me happy. I am sure this reflected on him as well. I still don't have all the answers, but I am in a better place emotionally.

On the up side, we are going to another archery competiton this weekend and decided to get a room and leave the kids at my mothers. Maybe I will go and buy something nice to wear when we go to bed.

I do see that he is trying. At least he has done everything that I requested. Most of the time the cell phone is on the charger. If he does play golf, he tells me where is going and with who and then comes straight home. He even calls while he is out playing, which is something he never used to do. All this does give me hope that we can make it through this. For now hope is good. It gives me something to hold onto.

[C]

With this diabetes this is a very rough time in his life...This is not a sudden thing...He has felt his sex drive changing for some time...This has affected his sexuality and his manliness...He has to prove that he is still macho...I believe he is frightened....He is not all that he used to be and is running scared...It just may be the next woman that he sees that he can come onto just to prove that he is still the potent man.. The hot lover...But the inner man needs assurance...He is fighting himself...

I would suspect that your sexual relations has quieted because he fears what and what he cannot do...The other women give him confidence in who he is...You could take this away from him if he was not able to perform sexually with you...

I like your idea of getting away for the weekend...Get away with the kids...Find your yesterday...Tell him you will love him no matter what...Teach him that sex can be wonderful even if he does not have an erection to start....Any woman can do this to a man it is just going to your inner self and turning him on...I know..I have done it...

I have not had time to read the other posters this morning...I am up to my ears in work but just wanted to add this....Take care, Caroline

[damd]

....When all this started, I did ask him to come with me to a marriage guidance counselling. At first he agreed and said he would do anything if I stayed. As weeks went by everytime I brought it up he would start yelling and we would end up in a big fight. So I let it go.
Maz33 you are right about getting caught up in our busy life. We have become so comfortable together, that we both take each other for granted. I use to tell people that one of the reasons I married him was because he taught me how to have fun. I worked so much that even at nineteen, I didn't know how to stop and have fun.

....Archery is probably the one thing that has helped keep us together through all of this. We shoot as a family, and we travel all over to compete. It comsumes most of our summer, and the fighting slowly came to a hault. The feelings of insecurity and hurt are still there, but I have learned to talk and not yell.
We do like other things, like baseball and going on a bike ride. We have not done any of this in a while. That might be a place to start.

Soul searching is something that I have done a lot of. Trying to figure out what I really wanted out of this and who I am as a person. I was always so busy trying to please others that I forgot about me. What made me happy. I am sure this reflected on him as well. I still don't have all the answers, but I am in a better place emotionally.

On the up side, we are going to another archery competiton this weekend and decided to get a room and leave the kids at my mothers. Maybe I will go and buy something nice to wear when we go to bed.

I do see that he is trying. At least he has done everything that I requested. Most of the time the cell phone is on the charger. If he does play golf, he tells me where is going and with who and then comes straight home. He even calls while he is out playing, which is something he never used to do. All this does give me hope that we can make it through this. For now hope is good. It gives me something to hold onto.

First, I think if you feel that you can save this marriage then you should do everything that you can to do so. I am concerned that your husband does not feel the same. Like the couple I mentioned before, the man actually did go to counseling a few times. However, he was not so truthful and open why the counselor. Eventually they quit going all together. Later, after the woman caught the man still cheating on her she talked to the counselor and she confided into the woman that she suspected that he was still cheating on her.

Although I do believe that the both of you sharing a common goal to start rebuilding your relationship is a good thing, do not let it be the center of all of your attention. Back to the couple, they had a emergency situation that took a few months to relove. So they had a common goal and they went about to achieve this goal while ignoring the illness of their relationship. The woman thought that they were making great progress, but once that goal was completed reality came back and they were back to where they were before. And unfortuantley he latter cheated again.

As for the crazy things, I glad to hear that you did not go off the deep end. Nothing that you have done so far would be titled crazy. The woman I speak of was in great depression and behaved in a matter that I had never seen before. She took up drinking, and one time accidentaly discharged a fire arm in the house. She was a wreck. But she was also a victim of a controlling person, although he was not physically abusive, overtime he destroyed her self esteem and self worth. I think that is the sole reason that she is still with him today.

The phone thing and keeping tabs on him. My advice is to drop it. Don't go out of your way to spy on him or make sure that he is staying faithful. You are putting yourself out there as it is to try to make this marriage work. Marriage is about love, trust, faith, communication ect... You have to show him what trust is. You can't put restrictions on that trust. You are going to make yourself vulnerable, yes, but that is a price you have to pay. Let him justify where he has been, where he goes, who he talks to. Don't ask where have you been, but how was your day? Did you have a good time? He is on the phone, who was that honey? But I think you should also outline how far you are willing to go to make this marriage work. Inform him that he needs to not give you a reason to believe anything else is going on.

So I wish you the best, hope things work out.

Good luck with your competition.