[sadinsouthcarolina]

Hi all, this is my first post on this site. I just received some news today that really hurt me and I just need to vent to some objective people.
I got married last June and I had my "best friend" as my Maid of Honor. She and I had been friends for about 13 years-since high school. My wedding was relatively low-key. I spent a lot of time making sure that nobody really had to go out of their way for me. Well, I flew my MOH down south from Chicago so we could spend a long weekend together the November before my wedding. I thought we had a great time together. We went veil shopping for me, shoe shopping for her, etc. Well, I paid for her plane ticket, the hotel room, and some of the food. I did not have a problem with it at all-I knew I was financially in better shape than her. When I took her back to the airport she insisted on paying me back and wanted to work out how much she owed me. I refused to discuss it, and told her that I never expected any money from her-that I wanted her to come down. Well, she insisted-so I made her come up with how much she thought was fair. (I also paid for her dress). Well, after she flew back home-I didn't speak to her for months. At first it wasn't an issue because that happened sometimes with us. But, then as it got closer to the wedding-I couldn't get her to return any of my phone calls. A week before the wedding, I would only get random text messages from her and really nothing else. She told me she was coming the Thursday before the wedding-and would be there in the morning. Well, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm rolled by and I hadn't heard from her at all. Eventually she showed up at my parents house and said she had spent the day fishing with her Dad and then went to take a nap. I was bothered, because I had wanted to spend some time with my friends before the wedding-but I kind of let it roll of my back because I was happy she was there. Well, wedding came and went. It was great-seemed to be no problems with her. Well, more than a year went by and I couldn't get her to return any measly text message from me. I had sent her birthday messages, christmas messages, etc. called her on holidays-and she was blatantly blowing me off. To this day-I have NO idea why she stopped speaking to me months before the wedding-faking it during the wedding-and then proceeding to never speak to me again. Today I found out that she is getting married this Friday in our hometown. I never knew anything about it. I am crushed over this. I found out because my other bridesmaid's parents are going to the wedding-they told my mom "guess we'll see you on Friday"-and obviously my mom knew nothing about it. That's the only way I found out. I just don't understand how you could be someone's Maid of Honor and turn around and completely dispose of them. I know in my heart I didn't do anything to her... I just feel like trash... Well-I know you all could never really understand the whole story--it's all just so very hurtful. To look at my wedding pictures knowing the person standing next to me just disposed of me is extraordinarily hurtful.... Any advice??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The first thing that came to mind was money.

You say that you are more financially secure than she is and that you paid for a lot of things, hotel, plane, some food, dress but she insisted on paying you back so you came up with a figure.

I am guessing that she never got around to paying you back.

I am thinking that whilst her intentions were to pay you back when she offered, when you gave a figure she knew she wouldn't pay it, or at least after that she started to feel it hard to talk to you incase it was bought up.

Also with her then getting married, she may "think" that you would expect to be MOH and have the same deal but she can't afford that and she hadn't paid you back so she just continued to distance herself.

It happens and this may be the cause and effect.

I can think of other reasons but not pertaining to what you have written so far.

I gather regardless of the years you have both been friends that it was a distant friendship travel wise for some time?

Ie) When you met your then husband you two weren't hanging out together at all then he came along...

If you don't think it was the money issue of her feeling embarrased over it all, then maybe let us know a bit more about your friendship over the last 4 years with her and when you met husband etc.

CW

[damd]

I'll have to agree. She insisted on paying you back and you ignored her. I understand your logic, you can affored it she not as much, so you'll take care of it. But she was probably insulted by the gesture. I could only think that maybe you should have insited on paying for half then and then conciently left a few things out.

So how do you fix this. Might want to think about sending her a letter voicing that you are upset that you were not invited to her wedding. Mention that you know that there is something wrong but don't know what it is and give her a blank apology. Tell her that her friendship means the world to you and that you wish that you can speak to her so that you two can work it out. Tell her that your heart is breaking.

Hope things go well.

I could only think that maybe you should have insited on paying for half then and then conveniently left a few things out.

Sorry spelling

[rcoreyus]

I've been on both sides of this problem - dealing with people with far more, or far less money than I have. It is a really touchy problem. Often the amount of money really isn't important for the wealthier person, but is important for the poorer one.

If I go somewhere with a poor friend, it seems strange to limit the things we can do together when a (to me) tiny amount of money would make things easier.

When I go somewhere with a wealthier friend, I don't want to feel like I am a leech.

When I am the wealthier, I often use the approach d suggests of quietly leaving a few things out. But - I don't know of an overall good suggestion.

[Fire(m)]

sadinsouthcarolina. I'm sorry for you, but I think you've lost a friend. You didn't do a thing wrong. In fact just the opposite. I know it bugs you, but the best thing for you is to let it go. Move on with your life and meet more friends.

If you feel the need, maybe you can discuss this with a couple of "mutual" friends and get their perspective on what drove your friend over the edge. In any event, my guess is that she thinks you did something wrong, but for what it matters, I don't.

Cheers.