[Happy1]

I have been close friends with this woman for ten years, we got our first apartment together, we went to college together, we went across the world on vacation together...you get the point. So two months ago she married the BOY that she has been with for about three years. I say BOY bc this guy is a real....I cant think of a word to descibe him that wont get taken off the forum.... Hes so rude to everyone and acts like some sort of thug. He acts like a child, she is two years older than him. ANYWAY at their wedding they introduced me to someone that I have been seeing since. He seems to be great, my friend is now jealous of our relationship.

Her husband is so selfish and contolling. I dont get upset at her for wanting to be in a healthy relationship, I know its hard. I know that when they fight he has thrown things before, he wont let her spend money but he can spend as much as he wants on what he wants. She was upset and telling me about it the other night and he saw, he started iming me and when I didnt take his side he got mad and logged off. He plays games on the computer until midnight or later and stays in there from the minute he walks in. He doesnt like me now, and I dont give a $hit. I am polite because its important to my friend.

When I asked her if she thought things would ever change she said he told her things would change and get better once she had his kid !! She actually believed him!! I was so furious that he is manipulating her and worse, she doesnt even see it. I told her very bluntly that he wouldnt change, a child would only complicate things, and that having a child with him would only tie him to her forever. If she isnt happy, and doesnt think he will put effort into their marriage, maybe she shouldnt stay. I made her mad, I am sure, she said she wasnt but I know she is.

I just dont know what to do to make her see that he wont change. He likes things this way, why would he change, he has it so easy. When she asks him to take her out he just says NO. I am just upset and shocked that he treats her this way (I never got to know him before they were married). Please help me to get her to see what a mistake she is making with this BOY, a friends mom said maybe I should talk to her mom about it....I dont know if that would be crossing the line or not. On one hand, its none of my business and I should just be there for her, on the other I feel like if I see a problem, I should help her in any way I can....

What do you think??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Happy1..

It's a tough call because you've been friends with her for 10 years and obviously care deeply about her as a friend.

Problem that I see, is she knew what sort of "controlling boyfriend" she had before she married him. But she married him with hope that by being married he would be different. He states he will once she has his child..

You can see the writing on the wall and I bet she is very un-happy and feels that she made a mistake but on the other side of the coin won't believe that at all as that means she did, so she instead just hopes it will all change and he's told her the truth.

This is a decision only she can make and only when she is ready.

I'm afraid that your just going to have to be that "friend" and be there for her emotionally although that will be draining for you, for sure so try not to be there daily, you also have your own life to build now.

The only one liner that I would keep in her head from time to time is "him throwing things may mean he'll hit her one day" and if he did that, or gets close to looking like he is going to do that, then she has to walk....

But, I think if you push the issue or start talking to her family, Mother, your going to drive your friendship away until something dramatical happens and she realises and walks away, only then and that's a maybe, as she may feel stup1d will she come back to you as that friend.

Just be there for her, tell her no way is it right for him to throw things so be careful and I'm here anytime if something happens.

As for jealousy of your new guy. That's natural. She wants what you have but hasn't got it.

Why people get married knowing that there are holes and flaws in the relationship before hand is beyond me.. But, natural if in-secure or really wanting to just be married. I'd say she did.

CW

[damd]

I agree you are in a tight spot. As a friend you want to support her and be there for her, but at the same time you want to hit her upside the head with a bat and say "Do you not see this?" It is very fustrating watching someone you love set themselves up for nothing but hurt.

My advice is to keep being that really nice friend that you are. Don't be drawn in the middle of their fights and arguments. Don't voluntarily offer your opinion about her husband. If she ask you, "What do you think?" Tell her the truth, tell her what you see (with tact). Above all else just be there for her.

Another note, why is it that people think that having a baby is the cure all to their problems in a relationship? That is a very ignorant philosophy. I am all for people having children, they are great treasures but they are also emotional and energy syphons. Babies are to a relationship as an amp is to a speaker system. If you have a good relationship then a baby is going to make your relationship closer. However, if you have a rocky relationship then not only is your relationship going to suffer but this child life is going to be too. Babies are hard work with great rewards. Only responsible should attempt that venture.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Damd
Another note, why is it that people think that having a baby is the cure all to their problems in a relationship? That is a very ignorant philosophy. I am all for people having children, they are great treasures but they are also emotional and energy syphons. Babies are to a relationship as an amp is to a speaker system. If you have a good relationship then a baby is going to make your relationship closer. However, if you have a rocky relationship then not only is your relationship going to suffer but this child life is going to be too. Babies are hard work with great rewards. Only responsible should attempt that venture.

Think you should cut and paste that one and send it onto her.

CW

[Happy1]

Thanks for the advice, thats kinda what I was thinking, stay out of it as much as I can, and trust me I do, and just be there for her. She is the type that will ask how I am so that I will ask how she is , so I will ask when she asks and go from there. She isnt even supposed to have kids, she has a genetic disease that will prevent her from a healthy pregnancy, so the fact that she wants to try just for him to be good to her is what upsets me. Its a real risk to her life and I cant imagine him being there for her when she needs him.

I am honestly worried that he will hurt her, she is very small. He has shown his temper infront of the guy I am seeing so he wants to talk to him to see if he can help. I told him thats up to him, just to make sure that we arent prying and to definetly leave my name out of it, I dont want her upset at me, especially since I am the only friend shes talking to about it.

I would LOVE to send what Damd said on to her, couldnt have said that better myself .

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I can see why you are more concerned than normal then, based on her health...

Still, it's a hard one for you, but you'll do more good sitting back and being there, as her trust will still be with you, hassle her and she'll hide in her shell.

Remember, as much as we love people Happy1 and want to help, you can't get too emotionally attached to someone elses "problems", but be there. Or, you'll drain all the energy you have that you need for your own new directions in life.

(SMILE)...


CW

[Happy1]

Remember, as much as we love people Happy1 and want to help, you can't get too emotionally attached to someone elses "problems", but be there. Or, you'll drain all the energy you have that you need for your own new directions in life.

(SMILE)...


CW

, hows that? I understand, thanks

[miffed23]

Yup, i agree with CW and damd... it is difficult not to say, 'look woman, this 'boy' is an ***, you deserve much better. Im telling you this as a friend' ... but she married him knowing he had a controlling side to him and the best you can do is keep on being a good friend and be ready to be there for her 'if' it falls apart.

I made the mistake of telling a friend (gently and slowly) that her boyfriend was treating her badly, and she wouldnt have any of it and since then weve never been as close as we were.

Good luck Happy1.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I guess you might just have to give it up. Some women seem to crave being dominated, told what they can and can't do, maybe even being slapped about a bit. Even if they say that's not what they want it makes them feel womanly and means that they have control over life by surrendering it someone else. She has psychological problems, and they aren't something you can fix.

She'll have to figure that out for herself when she's the miserable mother of a 10 year old wondering where it all went wrong.