[nwc2002]

My husband has been mildly abusive on and off for several years. He has a drinking problem, but is a very kind man. He works 7 days a week and is a wonderful dad. However, because of his drinking and past violence towards me in front of my young old son, I am planning on leaving him. In order to do this, I need to wait until next year when I will be financially able to support myself and son. I have seriously thought about leaving now, but the financial implications would put my son and I at risk for years to come. We currently have a lot of debt and a house that will not sell, but I have managed to keep a very good credit score. Two nights ago my husband and I were coming home after going out to eat. This is the first time we have done this for 6 months or so. We were having a very good time, then my husband started acting inebrieted, even though he had had only two larger size beers. He complained when the bill came, even though we hardly ever go out. As I was driving home, I told him that he made me sick. His hand shot across the car and hit me in the face while I was driving. Everything went black for a second, but I kept driving and managed to get home, as I did not want to cause an accident or attract police attention, as I had had several glasses of wine. Now it is two days later and I think the bridge of my nose is broken. I had one black eye but now it is turning into two black eyes, and both are very swollen. Tomorrow is Monday and I have to go into work at a very public, prominent office. Should I call in and simply say that I am sick for several days? Claim that I had an accident, like falling off a ladder while hanging halloween decorations? I can not call attention to the situation to my fellow employees, any advise would be appreciated. Thank you.

[sourpuss]

Oooh, this is not good. Has anything been said between the two of you since this incident? I'm not in favor of covering up for him, but since you are planning on leaving him already that sort of changes things. Is there a reason your husband works 7 days a week? I'm not trying to defend him, but that sound incredibly stressful. Have either of you ever talked about where this abuse is coming from or does it happen and then you both go about ignoring it? Sorry for all the questions.

If you don't want anyone at work to know at the moment, I would stay home. Even if you really did fall hanging up decorations, most people won't believe you.

[nwc2002]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your questions. We have spoken since this happened. He has been very apologetic and cried several times. When something like this has happened previously, we would not talk for several days, because I would be so angry. Then things would go back to "normal". This time I felt a little responsible, as I know how he is, and it was not smart to say what I said in car while driving. Not an excuse to hit someone, but not smart on my part. He has not been very apologetic in the past, but I think that is because the damage was not out there for everyone to see, like black eyes. This is not the worst incident, just the worst looking. As far as working all the time, I think he is just trying to be a good husband, even with the bad things that happen. I think that he has an addictive personality which I have noticed not only with the alcohol but also exercise, tobacco, and maybe even to work? He probably feels guilty about the money he spends on alcohol. I think that the alcohol is starting to damage his brain, as this abuse usually happens out of nowhere. He gets mad at something and it escalates very fast. He goes into rants and does not seem to care if our son is in the room. Thanks for your advice about staying home. I know my question sounded ridiculous about what to say to work, but it is important to maintain for right now.

[Guest]

This is gonna sound really crass, but are you really looking to leave him next year when you have your finances straight, or is it just a way of putting it off and not doing it?

And you need to stop making excuses for him. It doesnt matter how $tupid whatever you said was in the car. It is absolutely no excuse for hitting you in the face. EVER!

You are already way past the point where you should have gone to the police and filed a complaint. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hitting is unacceptable, and when you get a black eye, it needs to be dealt with right now. If you don't go to the police now, you had better put him on notice that his $hit had better stop or you will go straight to them the next time. You also need to get photos of the injury now in case it becomes an issue later (which it will if you are planning on divorcing).

Serious financial implications be dammed. You are being abused, you have admitted to driving after having several glasses of wine, and that your husband is an alcoholic. What are the implications for your son if one day someone has to scrape you and your husband off the road because one of you were driving drunk?

I know it's very hard, but you need to get out and get help!

[sourpuss]

Yes, she needs to leave but she's also got to think of her son. And if she can stick it out to ensure that he and her son can make a clean break, I can see where she's coming from.

nwc, have you opened a private savings account yet? I would do that ASAP. Start putting aside as much money as you possibly can without your husband knowing. Make sure the statements aren't sent to your home address as well.

[withered_rose]

Depending upon where you are located at you may be able to find a battered women's shelter that can help you and your son out, I would recommend that you leave as soon as possible, financially stable or not, its going to be tough but you can stick it out, it's better than being abused. my heart goes out to you dear, and I hope that you can make it out as soon as possible.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You may believe that he is a good husband, and that there are reasons for what he has done, and how he is.

But, you have decided in your mind that you have in deed fallen "out" of love with him.

You were happy, you had a few drinks, the words came out of your mouth because alcohol makes you confident. Or should i say freedom of speach.. You are right, you did nothing wrong.

I am wondering if the tears are more of OMG, what will i lose?

You need to "sorry" but take photos for future sake, and go to the Doctors for record, again for future sake.

You are a lovely lady with hope and love, but if he tries to take your child? Your home? then what?

Sorry, sound like a lawyer, but my ex was emotional abusive, well i nearly fell out the car once, and he did grab my hand whilst i was trying to cook and scared the out of me, then he rang 1300 and tried to say i abused him? so it was on record?

Scary but all for divorce proceedings if that was going to eventuate, as his first wife, left him for another man, perhaps he never got over that, i don't know.

Emotionally , your not fit for work so make what ever excuse you want.

No man raises a hand to a woman, no matter what.

I appreciate, the 7 days a week, stress and that can trigger all sorts, i really do, but that's not your concern.

If he can change, he will when you leave.. IF..

And that includes councelling, and less work, no alcohol and really showing you...

Stay on the track you are on...

Your child doesn't need to see this either, it will efect a child 10 fold in the long run.

CW

[Joy]

I too would look into one of the women's shelters they will help you document everything that needs to be. I think you are correct he is an alcoholic & workaholic. Neither of which is your fault. Longterm abuse of alcohol does deteriate the brain so you were bang on with that too.

Your husband needs to face this head on and leaving may be the best way for this change to take place. He does need couselling and help. I'm sure if you could snap your fingers you would cure this abuse he does to himself and you and your son.

WE all have addictions to get over on some level and he can too. its if he wants to see himself as something other than an alcoholic. I'm sure like you have said on some level your husband is a good man. He has to make the choice to stop abusing himself and you and your son.

I know its the emotional that is there long after the physical that you are left to deal with. Women's shelters do offer counselling open to any and all women. You are worth it and you are worth more than a punch in the face.

[torn2pieces]

My husband has been mildly abusive on and off for several years. He has a drinking problem, but is a very kind man. He works 7 days a week and is a wonderful dad. However, because of his drinking and past violence towards me in front of my young old son, I am planning on leaving him. In order to do this, I need to wait until next year when I will be financially able to support myself and son. I have seriously thought about leaving now, but the financial implications would put my son and I at risk for years to come. We currently have a lot of debt and a house that will not sell, but I have managed to keep a very good credit score. Two nights ago my husband and I were coming home after going out to eat. This is the first time we have done this for 6 months or so. We were having a very good time, then my husband started acting inebrieted, even though he had had only two larger size beers. He complained when the bill came, even though we hardly ever go out. As I was driving home, I told him that he made me sick. His hand shot across the car and hit me in the face while I was driving. Everything went black for a second, but I kept driving and managed to get home, as I did not want to cause an accident or attract police attention, as I had had several glasses of wine. Now it is two days later and I think the bridge of my nose is broken. I had one black eye but now it is turning into two black eyes, and both are very swollen. Tomorrow is Monday and I have to go into work at a very public, prominent office. Should I call in and simply say that I am sick for several days? Claim that I had an accident, like falling off a ladder while hanging halloween decorations? I can not call attention to the situation to my fellow employees, any advise would be appreciated. Thank you.

I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Keep your eyes on the prize (getting the away from him). Some advice I would give you to keep you from getting hit is to not say things to provoke him so that you do not get hit or abused from him. You as a woman should not have to walk on eggshells so you do not get hit but since you are in this situation you must do what you have to in order to protect yourself. You plan to get out of there so until then just becareful what you do or say that would provoke him so that you do not get abused. I applaud you for having a plan to get away from him, stick with it and pray.

[Guest]

I understand "believing" that she needs to wait until there's some financial stability built in, but I've seen way too many instances where the wife or significant other waited, and it ended up with someone seriously injured or worse.

Finances won't matter if you're put into a coma or killed. Find a woman's shelter and get out!