[Jenny123]

Hello everyone! I think I just needed some outside views or advice....I have been married for 8 years, with 3 kids. Recently My husband and I are taking some time apart so I have the kids a few days he takes them for a few as well....These issues that came up have actually always been around, such as my attitude, I'm stubborn and really will go days without muttering a word if I feel he has done something wrong. Husband goes out more than I do just poker with guys, pool..
This is what "The discussion" was about...which honestly I thought was just another discussion where I would appoligize for being extremely hurtful and selfish, sorry, won't happen again; however he says " Heard It all before, I'm not happy, we need some time apart" I was devistated!!!!
I've been going through many emotions, anger!, saddness, sickness, self blame, guilt you name it!
I really feel overwhelmed and its only been 2 weeks, any similar situations or just comments I welcome any. Thank You Jenny

[Searching_82]

Hi Jenny. Kind of similar only I am on the opposite side. I am the one saying I need my space. I am 24 and was just married 2 months ago..made a huge mistake..was kind of forced into it in a way (see my other posts) and now I just want out.

My situation is more tho that I just got out of college am only 24 and really dont know who I am. I have been with the same person for 5 years and changed who I really was so much to be with him and I think finally reality has set in and is like Stop! You can't live your life like this, not being who you are.

I am sorry that you are going throught his. Best of luck and keep your head up. God will make happen what needs to happen, whatever that may be.

[Guest]

....These issues that came up have actually always been around, such as my attitude, I'm stubborn and really will go days without muttering a word if I feel he has done something wrong.

I would apologize for being extremely hurtful and selfish, sorry, won't happen again; however he says " Heard It all before, I'm not happy, we need some time apart" I was devastated!!!!

I've been going through many emotions, anger!, sadness, sickness, self blame, guilt you name it!
I really feel overwhelmed and its only been 2 weeks,

Hi Jenny, I'm a male, Hear me out, I almost didn't post because I'm going thru some very tough issues that are, well lets say, marital problems also ok? The reason why I decided to was because I don't want to see you put yourself in undo stress,
I'm and older person in a longer marriage with adult children and the pain at times has been almost unbearable. I've also been a very sick man since 95. A week ago I was doing so much better, more than I ever have and because of what you are doing now I'm having a relapse. Haven't been able to eat, sleep and or do anything physical. Just last week I had a Hammer and a saw in my hand working on a shed. I was a absolute mess ( I'm embarrassed to admit, but so be it)
But slowing I've been getting a hold of myself again and I'm beginning to eat a little better and sleep some. My stomach isn't as sick. I know I'm rambling on, but listen this is what you will do to your self. You can make yourself deathly sick.
Just a night and 1/2 ago, i tho't of suicide, fortunately I've a friend here that help me thru the wee hrs; of the morning.

Now look at your quote that I posted, the 1st thing you said is your attitude has been not good and it's been like that. OK, lets' change that attitude starting today, alright? Now think straight with me. You want it to work I feel, so hold just that 1 attitude right there, just that 1.

Stubbornness, usally that stems many times by not getting your way, is that when you get stubborn with him? I don't know so I'm sort of reading between the lines ok? Or think about what it is you are getting stubborn over. Sit down and meditate about it.

You won't say something for a long period of time if you feel he's done something wrong (feel) but did he really do something wrong. that's the issue, did he do anything wrong at all.
Now when you don't talk for several days that's childishness, bottomline. I know that is a big piece of fat to chew on but it is what it is, ok?
You just have to learn to quit that when you feel it coming on and press over those feelings and talk to him at least when it is necessary and a few words of small talk to break the ice.

The last thing is about your apologies, quit apologizing if you don't really mean it.
When the wife and I first got married and I would tell her I was sorry, she would always smile ( and sometimes not ) and say if you are really sorry you won't do that anymore! Learn to keep your apologies to a minimum.

I know you are probably saying, oh yea that is easy for you to say all that, know it's not!

Self Pity will destroy you! It will make you a creature of despair.

You have children, put your time into them, they are depending on their mummy to luv them.

Slow down, think things out before you star to spit those darts out from your tongue. The tongue is like a poison that's why your husband need space. There has been words said that are hard to live with. There's an old saying - "I love baby but your hard to love"!

Now I have not given you no flowery bed of advise but I have given you a foundation to start
with. 1st of all you need to get where you are settled down and not making yourself sick over this, where this is no anxiety, ok?

Please do that for yourself, your marriage, your children.

I know what WC would tell you, I will to. After the dust settles a little and he wants to talk maybe you and your hubby can seek counsel

Good luck and Good day!

[Jenny123]

Thank you searching 82 and In-Need...I did go through my ups and downs with guilt and everyday gets better. As painful as this is I know I will learn from it and I will be a stronger woman because of it...now yesterday my husband and I did have a talk, and unfortunately he admitted he no longer is in love with me, and that this should be a separation not just breathing time. I've had a lot time to think before this talk and was expecting it and was ready to admit that I agree on this separation. However after no crying, arguing, just two adults talking and him admitting that divorce is inevitable, he says...."so you're saying this is it and if I change my mind later you won't be here?".....NEEDLESS to say I was confused and upset....WHAT!!!!
talk about wanting your cake and eating it to. Do situations such as these ever take time and in the future can be mended? I didn't shed a tear during this talk and knew this is what we should be doing..but it is still extremely painful!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Most of the time the reason why we are the way we are in a relationship is because we are not happy...

Apologising, only works for so long, because the other party one day says " I've had enough" and means it, they lose the love that was once there, and from the sounds of it, "you weren't happy" either, hense your continual attitude over that time.

It's just the way life goes, your not as compatible as you thought you were, or were at the beginning, you just "settled" both of you into a relationship of well we are married, we have children but neither happy.

It does appear to be the way it should be...

And, regardless it's painful but it's also the case, because it's all you know... 8 years is a long time, the thought of being on your own, with your children would be frightening, kind of have to start all over again, fear steps in, maybe it's better to have what i had which wasn't want i wanted, than to...

Not at all.. You will grow in your new freedom, there will be no one to argue with and your life will change and you will be your own self again, the person you were before, and you will be happy....

Rome wasn't built in a day.


CW

[Guest]

It does appear to be the way it should be...

And, regardless it's painful but it's also the case, because it's all you know... 8 years is a long time, the thought of being on your own, with your children would be frightening, kind of have to start all over again, fear steps in, maybe it's better to have what i had which wasn't want i wanted, than to...

Not at all.. You will grow in your new freedom, there will be no one to argue with and your life will change and you will be your own self again, the person you were before, and you will be happy....

Rome wasn't built in a day.


CW

CW laid it out for ya girl,
I'm not going to go into what you should do.
The reason why I quoted CW's comments there is it's totally natural to feel the pain because again this is what you have come to know. You are probably relatively young and so this has been a way of life for you.

Think of it as being on a Big Cruise Ship and you are traveling from port to port. OK, now you are leaving this port, or so it seems, look at it as being adventurous, challenging, exciting, and look forward to tons of new things to see and do!

Sounds fun huh! It looks kinda cloudy right now as you are pulling out of port but believe me, one who was in the Navy - once you get out to sea again the waters are awesome and deep full of all kinds of Life, abundance of resources. Happy Sailing, you go girl!

[Guest]

another point of view

... he says...."so you're saying this is it and if I change my mind later you won't be here?".....NEEDLESS to say I was confused and upset....WHAT!!!!
talk about wanting your cake and eating it to. Do situations such as these ever take time and in the future can be mended? I didn't shed a tear during this talk and knew this is what we should be doing..but it is still extremely painful!

well, it kinda sounds to me that separation and divorce isn't really what he wants. DO YOU? I'm not yet convinced that it's really what you want either.

IMHO, it seems like there's been an awful lot of time without any real communication. Maybe that needs to change? It may not fix everything 100% and things may never be exactly where you'd like, but relationships are give and take on both parts. Compromising but never settling. Are you able to compromise? is he? or are you just done? I'm not sure...

[Guest]

another point of view, continued...

... and unfortunately he admitted he no longer is in love with me, and that this should be a separation not just breathing time.

Analysis of word choice is an amazing thing. The "and unfortunately" screams that deep down you wish he still was in love with you.

Another thing to consider is that he may be saying exactly what he thinks you want to hear simply because he does love you. I have done and said something very similar to a friend of mine in the past 2 months.

we were on a very rocky road and having some intense discussions. I so much didnt want her to have to continue to suffer with dealing with my emotional roller coaster, that I told her I was only interested in (fill in blanks) so that she wouldn't feel bad about no longer wanting to talk with me. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT? VERY MUCH SO!

But I did it to try and protect her from what I thought would be a painful process for her, even though it would mean we would no longer be friends. well, fate prevailed and we talked again and I had to admit to her why I had said what I did.

Sometimes people will say very crazy things to try and protect someone they love, even if it's really the wrong thing to do.

Just some advice, but maybe you need to take a step back and try to figure out if what is being said and what is being heard, is really what is being felt.

[Jenny123]

Thank You so much for all the insight, its always nice to look at things from other peoples perspectives...believe me I've been extrememely happy with our relationship and also frustrated at times of course who's happy all the time. I've even been upset where I would be up thinking "I wish I wasn't married", because then I would'nt be upset right now or hurt....People always say be careful what you wish for and the more I think about it, we haven't been apart for 8 years! great if we've managed to deal with the low parts of our marraige but we werent. I try to separate my feelings and emotions from thinking about what he's thinking because I have no control over that. I honestly cannot see myself without him in the far far future, but if in the future divorce seems more promising on his end I know I will learn a valuable life lesson...I have my good days and bad days and still trying to stay positive, especially for my kids.