Feeling So Low
Its one of my anniversarys of my wedding and I am just so depressed. I need to be on my own. This relationship has def. turned toxic and I can feel it eatinga way at me, slowly. I'm worried for myself. I'm worried what this is going to do to not only my mental health, but also my physical health. I'm constnatly exhausted and I know the stress it taking its toll as well. How much longer before I get the courage?
My therapist says that she thinks I got married in a way to honor the old relationship that was once there. That even though I had my doubts months before the wedding (and tried to call it off a half dozen times) that I still wanted to try as a way to show my husband that I cared. She also says that my focus has been soley on others throught his process, and not on myself. She told me that I am not a bad person for still caring about husband and to always think of the support system I have for leaving. She says its okay to love someone, but still feel that you need a divorce from them. It's okay to love someone, but to know that they are not the "someone" for you..and sometimes you figure that out years into a relationship, and there is no saying when you will figure it out. For me it just hit at a really terrible time.
I felt awesome leaving therapy the other day. Woke up this morning feeling like . She has described it as "living everyday feeling tortured." That's exactly how I feel, like this is some cruel punishment for me not being selfish and listening to my gut and doing waht I wanted to do. Instead I got caught up in the whirlwind and did what everyone else wanted/though that I should do.
I wake up everyday almost wishing that I would die. I can't stand living my lie of a life. Everyday I wake up knowing that this isnt right. Everyday I wake up more ****ed off at myself than the day before for being too weak to end this lie. I hate myself for this, I really do. Esp. b/c this has or is going to hurt so many people in the process. I am going to fail my husband, his family, as well as my own. But if I stay I fail myself (again) and live and feel like this forever...and as much as I hate myself rightn ow...I can't put myself through this much longer.
My therapist says that she thinks I got married in a way to honor the old relationship that was once there. That even though I had my doubts months before the wedding (and tried to call it off a half dozen times) that I still wanted to try as a way to show my husband that I cared. She also says that my focus has been soley on others throught his process, and not on myself. She told me that I am not a bad person for still caring about husband and to always think of the support system I have for leaving. She says its okay to love someone, but still feel that you need a divorce from them. It's okay to love someone, but to know that they are not the "someone" for you..and sometimes you figure that out years into a relationship, and there is no saying when you will figure it out. For me it just hit at a really terrible time.
I felt awesome leaving therapy the other day. Woke up this morning feeling like . She has described it as "living everyday feeling tortured." That's exactly how I feel, like this is some cruel punishment for me not being selfish and listening to my gut and doing waht I wanted to do. Instead I got caught up in the whirlwind and did what everyone else wanted/though that I should do.
I wake up everyday almost wishing that I would die. I can't stand living my lie of a life. Everyday I wake up knowing that this isnt right. Everyday I wake up more ****ed off at myself than the day before for being too weak to end this lie. I hate myself for this, I really do. Esp. b/c this has or is going to hurt so many people in the process. I am going to fail my husband, his family, as well as my own. But if I stay I fail myself (again) and live and feel like this forever...and as much as I hate myself rightn ow...I can't put myself through this much longer.
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