[Searching_82]

If you have read my past threads..things in my marriage are not going well. I love my husband..but we are better off as friends. I feel constantly depressed trying to live my life as I know it is a total lie. This is not who I am.

With the holidays coming up...should I do a trial seperation now, or wait until after the holidays in order to not add more stress to ourselves and our families?

[rcoreyus]

I wouldn't wait for the holidays. I think these things are best done early. If you have already made up your mind to separate, then you will be sort of living a lie if you wait before telling him.

[Guest]

if you are going to do it, do it now. He deserves to be with someone who is in love with him, just as you deserve to be with someone who is in love with you.

I'm just not clear on how it could be so bad just 3 months into marriage, but I guess I need to re-read your previous posts.

[Guest]

OK, re-read a few of them. Yeah, you need to move on. sorry

[Searching_82]

Thanks No1...yeah...not a good time at all :O(

[crzyredhead21]

I knwo you had said in a different thread that you had had "the talk" with him and he was not happy. How are things now?? Or is my memory faulty again and you have not spoke with him abotu your feelings?

I really hope you do what's best for you. I know how hard it is though.


(Almost 33 posts!!!)

[Searching_82]

Things are suprisingly not too too bad. I mean he is still upset but we can talk on a decent level. I am living with my parents now and him and I talk on AOL occasionally and its not about the separation just about normal things, ilke hockey season..f.riendly talk...which is what I wanted.

We are hitting a rough patch right now though in discussing finances now that I have left the home...how will he afford to be on his own? What should I help out with? (Cuz I dont want to leave him in a rut either but at the same time I dont think I should be paying the norm for what I paid for in utilities seeing that I am not using them AND b/c I am pitching in at my parents house)

I'm just taking one day at a time. Yesterday was my first therapy session that I didn't cry though :O)

[Guest]

NO NO NO!!!

Don't "help him out". All that will do is keep you tied to him, and he'll end up using you.

he needs to be responsible for his expenses, and you need to be responsible for yours. You are no longer a couple, end, period.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Guilt makes you feel "sorry" for someone and want to help them out but you don't have anything to feel guilty over, you will work that part out.

I am pleased that you didn't cry for the first time during therapy good for you....

May I make a suggestion and that is what ever you feel you want to "help out with" make it initially not a commitment or you will get yourself in a rut and won't be able to get out of it...

NO1 is correct in that sense.

Don't let him think that you are going to still "save him", ensure he is aware that you are initially offering something, not long term...

As, I said. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

CW

[Searching_82]

Thanks as always CW and NO1. Yes the "help out " is temporary. I mean I have two jobs and earlier he was talking about looking for another one..well what happened to that??? I'm paying for my stuff too..my car...the internet at my parents house...givingm y parents 100 a month towards their utilities, groceries, etc. since I'm another person in the house costs will obviously be going up, my credit cards, etc.

I just got my first letter from an attorney I think I am going to go through explaining my options for divorce. Not sure when that whole thing will come about. I want us to sever on good ties and my therapist and I have agreed that during this separation I should be working on my friendship with him...if I do see him have it be friendly...not romantic at all no flirting or anything like that (and I agree). That way, he can see that I will still be in his life, and it can still be good and even better than before. I think we just go better as friends. Thats how we started out was friends and I think the ups and downs of a relationship and with each other just started to kill ANY feelings that we had for each other..well atleast on my end.

I often question if he is upset bcaeuse he is losing ME or if he is losing the familiar life he has been living the past 5 years. The fear of starting over. Because he flat out said in a world with x amount of people we would probably both find someone else ( I mean thats how I think too) so...I dunno. I told him during the separation perhaps he should go to counceling as well to understand why he is feeling the way he is and to help him manage his feelings...his reply "I don't need help with anything." Spoken like a .............. That's his dumb fault then. Deal with it..feel miserable...keep asking yourself why...lose sleep...

See he was ( i say was because his actions have changed) actingl ike this was the end of the world! Which it isn't. You can fall in love you can fall out of love. Life has laughter, sadness, pain, triumph..etc etc. YOu're going to run into those emotions all the time, sometimes at some points they will be almost too strong to handle but that's what life is.

Ahhhhwell...done rambling now! Thanks again!