Going crazy and need all the advice i can get

**discontent** · 11-08-2008, 09:12 PM

My marriage started off the same way

Wow - I read your post and it could have been written by me back when I was first married! I, too, hadn't had sex until I was engaged (waited for my husband), and after we got married I expected to romp like rabbits at lease once a day, but that was just not the case. Our work hours conflicted a lot, but still my husband was only interested in sex about once a week, if I was lucky. This went on for a lot of years - I tried to talk with him about it,we went to counselling, and I DID tell my friends hoping desperately for some advice, but no one seemed to relate at all. Nothing seemed to help and I'm sorry to say that I basically allowed myself to emotionally detatch from him. I am a Christian and I took my marriage vows seriously and don't believe in divorce, so I have stayed married to him for 16 years now, and have 3 kids and I struggle to love him. I am attracted to someone else and have fears that if that man ever made a move for me I would fall into adultery and destroy my family.

I deeply wish that instead of emotionally shutting off, I had really fought for my marriage. Back then, I thought it was just something I had to accept and live with, but I see now that it was damaging to our relationship and I should have taken more drastic steps to make him understand my needs. At the time I kept telling him I needed more romance and sex, and he kept insisting that I was asking too much of him, and he actually even felt used. Looking back, he was completely absorbed with establishing his career and thought he was doing the right thing to take care of us and our future. Sadly, he was completely neglecting nurturing our relationship, and I let him get away with it.

I still can't talk to him completely openly about this. I can't bring myself to tell him that I struggle to love him, and sure can't tell him of being attracted to anyone else. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying - boy, then I really feel ashamed of myself because he really is a good husband now. He's had a strong sex drive suddenly for the past 2 years, but it is just "too little, too late" for me.

Anyway, my advice to you is FIGHT for your marriage. If you love this man, then do whatever you need to do to let him know how important this is. Come up with a list of steps he needs to take and move out until he completes it - like getting counselling or making the effort to make sure you feel wanted and loved. Trust me, this is a problem with HIM, so don't lose your self-confidence. Marriage is work - both of you will have to change and work together, and if he isn't willing to change, then it's better that you know that now before kids come along. It may be that he CANT change because of past issues, and if that's the case, again, require that he be in counselling to work on it. If he doesnt' want to, move out until he does.

I hope this helps you out. At least you know you're not alone.

**elsa_niloo** · 11-08-2008, 10:29 PM

oh god bless you
you have no idea how great it is to know that at least one other person out there knows how i feel.
sometimes i spend the night awake next to him, trying to figure out whats wrong with me.
i would really like to solve this problem, but everytime i bring it up he says, " let me do it my way" and " didn't we have hot sex like 2 days ago?", or " why are you complaining cause you haven't had sex in 2 days?"

this afternoon i set the mood, dragged him to the bedroom where i put a spread on the carpet so the sheets would be clean and started to strip him and kiss him but nothing. he seemed so afraid of me.

i am honestly rotting away from inside. i dont know what to do. i can't move out without my family finding out and how the heck do i explain to them whats wrong?
he is a great guy and my family adores him, and ofcourse me not being able to say anything they would blame me for being a spoiled and hurting my husband.

i am really at a loss. you think he will go to counselling? last time i suggested it, he said, " counselling is for crazy people and i sure aint crazy, you can go by yourself to solve your problem".

he is a great guy, educated, smart, funny but i just dont feel like he really knows what i want. when he hurts me emotionally he just says, " I didnt do anything".

the problem is i can't move out, i cant get him to go to counselling, i can't get him to listen to me without yelling back. or he says, you are really boring me with this whole sex thing.
On top of all that he has extremely bad jealousy problems and without me even saying anything, he says, " oh im sorry if i cant have sex like your girlfriends loser boyfriends".
what am i to do? I feel like a horny pig. i am disgusted by myself asking for sex and throwing myself at him. somehow deep inside i am mad at him for wasting away my youth and enthusiasm for physical love and admiration.

is there a special way to get him to understand me and listen to me for a change?

**Joy** · 11-09-2008, 09:08 AM

You are no some disgusting pig for wanting sex.... you should be mad that he is wasting away your youth and physical beauty and attraction. Your needs are not being met. Sex should be fun, light, and enjoying. You are sharing a deep part or yourself and only expressing yourself on an intaimate sexual level. It is killing your sexual self expression. Read other ppls posts that say their sexual needs don't match their partners............ after years they feel part of themselves have never been fulfilled. You guys decided to be partners for life and share everything. There are probably things he likes to do that you do not outside the bedroom. That you have very lil interest in but do it to share with him.

Its about building a well rounded life in all areas together. That is why so many ppl get married and are so unhappy cause part of themselves has to be put on a shelf cause the other person is so selfish and can't see past their own needs to help their partners with theirs.

Marriage is about give and take ,compromise, tolerance, and
understanding. Why don't ppl see this? why does he not look at the big picture and see how he is damaging a part of your guys relationship... cutting it off before it ever gets established.

Don't say you can't move out cause you can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter what other ppl think.......... its YOUR life. ONlY YOU can decide what is right and wrong for you.

YOU should not have to throw yourself at your husband he should passionatly want to be inside of you giving you much pleassure and building that intiamcy with you.

In the good times good memories should be made so in the bad times ya have fuel to get thru them knowing why you chose to marry and stand by this man.

This will only build resentment and an emotional distance in your marriage ASK your husband if he wants that.

I wish you all the luck in finding a balance in this situation

**WildChild** · 11-09-2008, 09:58 AM

Oh Dear, been there too. In a way it's funny, our society has a long history of holding the belief that sex is something that women must endure for men's sakes. Which is . We have so may lovely ladies and gentlemen on here who are dealing with partners they love, who are either not interested in sex or shut down - just don't seem fair, does it? In a perfect world the people who are uninterested would find each other and the passionate ones would with be having a ball together. Sigh.

First things first, complete physicals for these men folk! Teens into the early thirties is the peak time for testicular cancer. (although it can happen at any age) SOMEtimes this produces a noticable tumor on the testicals but not always - my ex had a very large tumor in his chest cavity! Low testosterone will cause reduced sex drive, lethargy, fatigue, irritability, a host of unfun symptoms. In fact living with a man who has low testosterone is like living with a pregnant or pre menopausal male! Did you know that if they are low in a certain amino acid or other hormone (don't remember the names) a man's body can turn testosterone into estrogen? This can fluxuate for years too.

By all means get into a nonreligious counselor (you don't want to just be told that he's the head you're the body and have to follow his direction). At least you can get some insight into the situation and some coping skills. At some point you can get him in on the grounds that the counselor needs to talk with him to help you. What ever you do don't even think of starting a family until this is resolved. For most of us it's a deal breaker, if there are no kids involved to complicate it. Only you can decide - years of no or unsatisfying sex or deal with it, maybe moving on? You have an entire lifetime ahead of you, what are you willing to live with or without?

**elsa_niloo** · 11-09-2008, 04:59 PM

hi guys
thanx alot for your time and advice.
today we sat down and had a long talk which turned more into me sobbing and him yelling.
i told him i will give him 3 months to improve what is wrong and go see a doctor and get counseling which made him furious.

he was really upset that i had given him an ultimatum but i think he now realizes NOT how bad things are, but at least how sex is not great for me. He was just upset that i had not brought things to his attention earlier so seriously.
i think that is enough for now.
we really love each other and i don't want to leave him; rather, i want to help him get over this and work it out.

i am going to be patient still and point out things more and really try to work it out.
i shall you give updates soon.

**rcoreyus** · 11-09-2008, 10:08 PM

I am so sorry for your situation. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! There are just some people who are not interested in sex, my wife is one. I love her very much, and she loves me, but she just doesn't want sex more than once or twice a month. We started dating when I was 18, (We're in our mid 40s now) and I have basically never had a normal sex life - and never will.

I hate to say it, but this may never get any better. As a human you have a right to sex, and if it is important to you (and it is to many people), maybe you are with the wrong person - and maybe he is as well.

Don't drink, don't destroy yourself. Think carefully. Can you live your life happily like this? If not, then the best thing you can do for you AND FOR HIM is to leave - if he loves you, he would not want to be the cause of your misery for years to come.

If you love him so much that you can't leave, then you may need to accept that you will never have an active sex life - for if you love him you won't cheat - though you will be tempted often. Just enjoy the envy of all of your friends who think you have the perfect life. And enjoy all of the rest of your life - sex is important but there are many other things as well - don't let the one thin that is missing destroy everything else.

Richard Cory

**elsa_niloo** · 11-10-2008, 12:12 PM

Dear Richard

I am very greatful for you advice.
it's sad that when you love someone and when everything else is great you will put some of your needs on the shelf and ignore them. sad, but true.

I talked to my husband yesterday and i think he finally got the point that i am not happy with our current sex life. we cuddle, hold each other, make out and etc, it is just that he looks at sex as a chore.

However, i think ( or i am hoping) that yesterday i finally did get through to him and he promised to improve. he was really hurt by the thought of me leaving.

However, he kept saying, " i hope to god you be with another 34 year old and see how they are and how they can't get it up and dont want to have sex". Is that TRUE?

**rcoreyus** · 11-10-2008, 01:03 PM

I'm in my mid 40s. I would (and could) make love to my wife every day. And even if he has physical problems, he should be willing and happy to do other things for you (I would be).

**cdalla01** · 11-13-2008, 12:04 PM

I can give you my perspective, but from the other side. I was married to my husband for almost 20 years and during most of our marriage, things were great. But there was one thing that we constantly fought about - lack of sex. In the beginning of our marriage, our sexual drives were very closely matched. But not long after we were married, we had children, full-time jobs, mortgage, etc., all of the things that can stress you out and sap your energy. I gradually found myself less and less interested in sex while my husband still wanted it a few times a week. I gave in a couple of times a month just to satisfy him but I found that to even be a chore. I can't really explain why I was like that, whether it was lack of physical attraction to him or being stressed out from life. We got along great aside from that and were very compatible in every other way. We not only fought about it constantly, he almost left me a couple of times. Looking back, I wish that he would have - then maybe I would have taken his need seriously. Only after our marriage broke up did I feel deep guilt for how I had pushed him away so many times and had simply dismissed his feelings. This, combined with some other issues, finally ended our marriage. This is what your husband is doing to you, he is dismissing your feelings. He needs to go to counselling with you and out of that one of two things will happen - you will get to the root of the problem and he will work with you to fix it, or he will dig his heels in and refuse to change. Then you have to make the decision to stay or go.
I have since moved on after a painful divorce (I am 40), and have found that my sex drive has dramatically increased. Maybe my 20's & 30's were just low sex drive years for me? Who knows. Whatever your guy's reason is, he has the obligation to either find out or let you move on. You have to take care of yourself, or no one else will. Best of luck to you and your husband, CMD.

Going crazy and need all the advice i can get

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Get The Newsletter

Latest Activity

Latest Topics