[Searching_82]

So we met for lunch today at the reccomendation of my therapist. She thought once a week lunches would be a good time for us to sit down and re-cap the week etc.

It was only me asking the questions. How's this? How's that? What about this?..never once did he ask me a question back...noo "How's work? How's coaching? How's life?"...that's how it always was in the relationship as well...he never took interest in what I did..I always took interest in what he did. I just feel like I tried and tried and tried and I can't exert any more effort...Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Am I just being a cry baby like 'wa wa wa what about me?"

We got on the subject of families knowing. I broke down when he said that both sides of his family (his parents divorced) spoke on the phone regarding it and they agreed not to tell his siblings (they're young). It's just a really crappy feeling to know that you are causing so many so much pain...but that its for yourself. That it's something you need to do for yourself. Because in the relationship you couldn't be yourself, you were unhappy, depressed, and not in love...so you do something for yourself...and it has such a negative backlash.

I'm just having the hardest time managing my emotions. I dont know how I should feel and honestly...because I am so weak and easily manipulated...I worry that me feeling bad will get the best of me and I'll go back. I'll go back to make everyone happy again...just like I got married to make everyone happy..however I know in the long run I wont be happy. How does one deal with that?

What should I do...how should I feel...and how should I manage the way I'm feeling or get to feeling better?

Thanks in advance all

[Guest]

well, you first have to understand that it isnt you causing the pain, it's something that the both of you contributed to in one way or another. Seperations are not usually only one persons fault, and from what you have written here and in other posts, he has an awful lot of responsibility for whats going on.

you should feel however you really feel, and dont feel bad for feeling that way.

it's gonna hurt for awhile, just realize that and begin to work on your new life. it'll take time but it will happen, as long as you want it to.

[Guest]

well, you first have to understand that it isnt you causing the pain, it's something that the both of you contributed to in one way or another.

Exactly, N01, Searching, I've been following your post some, you know that.

I haven't been dealing with my issues the best but they are totally different and I'm determined not to give up regardless of the feelings. Feelings are just that, feelings, we can not always trust them because just 1 word can change all that, so many times it has, has it not?

He's selfish, and I don't say that to put him down, but I'm going by what you said. What I'm saying think about that as you communicate with him. You, you have been putting what you feel is so much on the giving end. You deserve to be on the receiving end. If ever you (with him) are on the receiving end you will know that, you will feel it because you haven't been, hope I'm making sense?

It appears it's 1 sided at the table so therefore it's probably been 1 sided everywhere else.
I at times in my 22 yrs of marriage remember being the way he was at the table but I didn't stay there, that's the difference. Tell him Searching what you told us, tell him, please, you need to lay it out to him. If you don't point some of this out he won't know truly how you are feeling!

You're going to have to learn to do what you want not what everyone else wants. No, you don't become uncaring but for you to succeed you'll have to be happy with you, will you not?
Quit blaming yourself, it's a 2 way street.

Like N01 1 said you are feeling perfectly normal, you are not some strange creature that fell off another planet.

But, you have not gone back so take courage in that today, then tomorrow, you see? Don't borrow troubles from tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of it self

Women will know more of your emotions right now more than I do, but I do feel your pain and I do believe it's your turn to go for the dream or dreams, whatever those might be. Maybe you have not tho't about those, so if you haven't you need to. Could be that's where you need to focus so you will have a goal to work on. Not you 2 but just you, sit down and write it on paper or here if you want.

Stay encouraged!

[crzyredhead21]

You and I are truly sisters on this forum! I went and saw my ex last nite. Was the same thing. I walked out of the house feeling like a bum for making him and his famil hurt so much! I felt soo selfish.
It's really hard this path that we have chosen. To be this selfish. Sometimes it seems easier to just go back and try to mend things. But I think we both know deep down that our men will not change for us. Not in the way we need. You need to fin dyourself.. find what makes YOU happy. Unfortunatley that does entail hurting other people right now. But like a told a friend earlier.. You are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. Not him, not his family.. you!
I know where you're at righ tnow. Last night I seriously considered going back. You and I are vulnerable right now... easily manipulated. Dont let his emotions rule yours. Remember why you left..... dont let him sway you with talk about all the good times... about how he'll change. You know this is not what you want out of life..You deserve happiness!

[WildChild]

Get a journal and start writing, this is a big help to me. You can say anything, explore your thoughts, examine different angles, talk it through.

I think the most telling thing you've said is that you don't know how you should feel. There isn't any way you "should" feel. This isn't a emotion test, with right or wrong answers. You are doing what you believe is best for you. This isn't about what his family wants, what your family wants, what your freinds want, this is about what is best for you!

Quit telling yourself that you are weak, that is negative self talk. Why don't you type "Mama Gena" into your search and start listening to what Mama and the Sister Goddesses on there have to say? She'll tell you, you have to get yours before you can give it to anyone else. Get your joy, fill your needs, let your cup run over, then you will be able to give without being depleated. We women are taught to make martyrs of ourselves, to abuse ourselves, run ourselves ragged helping fullfil other people's dreams, being caregivers. But a satisfied, happy, active, successful you, will be able to do far more and bring much greater joy into the world, than a subservient, unhappy you.

[happy ending]

dont really have any advice to give you, but stay strong. it sounds like he is selfish and not really interested in you as a person. hope the pain and the uncertainties fade. mine did. i think there are two type of people radiators - who give off energy and drains who feed off others. he sounds like a drain.