[Searching_82]

I see so many on this board saying how they are trying to do things for themselves. I also see many, in a position much like my own, where being independant is something new to them, and they are struggling with emotions, and struggling to find themselves. This got me thinking the other day and I sort of did a progress report on myself. I have been separated for just about a month and for those that have been following my threads, life has been tough as you know. However here is an update:

I have greatly cut back on my drinking. While in the marriage...and actually about 6 months before getting married...I will say it now (however I denied it then) I had an alcohol abuse problem. I would drink every night to get hammered, to forget how I was feeling, and to get in a better mood for when it was time to go home. Every single night. Monday nights I would drink just as much as I would Saturday nights. I was a walking train wreck. I think it really hit me one night because I drank too much downtown and ended up passing out while leaning up against a building in an alley. Rock bottom. However, since the separation I don't drink every night...or even every weekend for that matter. If I do go out, I'm okay to have just one. Or if I go out on the weekend..I have a couple..feel good and I'm done. The difference is, if I am drinking now I am drinking for social reasons or to have fun...not to forget what is going on in my life.

While in the relationship I also picked smoking back up (I had quit years ago). Smoking calmed the nerves and was a way to relax b/c I was always so anxious when it was time to go home. Since the night of the split I have not smoked one cigarette

Also, I would do anything to get out of the house...even if it meant just going for a drive. Difference was I wouldn't drive..I would speed. At one point I took my car into a ditch and just sat there as it happened and stared..that was the day after getting married. Now I drive like a normal person (not a crazy person!) and I don't even need to "take a drive" anymore.

And finally, in the past month I have started to notice me taking big strides with my own self respect. I don't let people walk on me (as much....I'm still a softy). I have also stuck by my guns no matter how much I am pressured by "Justin Bobby" to come back...or guilted to make it seem like everything is my fault. I have started a regular work out routine which I love and am now making an effort everyday to look my best when I leave the house (before I was lucky if I left with eyeliner on)

I guess what I am saying is...I am growing..and if you are struggling with something you will eventually grow too. It's a process and sometimes you don't realize how much you have grown until you sit down and examine how your life is different now than it was then. Good luck everybody!

[Guest]

very glad to see you write this, and even more happy that you recognize what is going on!

You will be OK !

[Searching_82]

No1-I think I am finally starting to realize that myself...that I WILL be okay. And although I made a wrong decision in life (a big one) and I am hurting many people int he process of what I am doing...this will be the biggest and best learning experience of my life. :O) Thanks for your continued support!!!!

[Guest]

Searching, Just wanted you to know also how happy I am for you, everything is sounding so very positive, I'm encouraged myself!

[Passion]

Thank you for your response. I saw my husband this morning and we talked. He told me he felt lost, he told me that he did not feel like a man and that he needed to stand on his two own feet. He said he had never had a family and he does not know how. He can't find his place in life. He was crying but when he saw me he seemed really happy had a big smile on his face. I did not cry at all but he did. He kept on going on how his work was doing. He said he needed to let me go because he did not want to blame me if he did not make it in his art career. I told him I understood although inside of me I was crying hysterically. I told him I loved him and hopefully one day our paths will cross again. He said he had made decisions and he needed to move forward. I asked him to be honest with me and asked him if he was seeing someone. He said he wasn't I believed him. He told me he wanted to be alone that it was in his nature to be alone. He told me he needed to let me go. I love him so much, I want him to be happy even if it causes my unhappiness.

[silvertae]

Wonderful to hear how you are doing so well. You clearly made the right choice!