[Renee57]

I don't know what to do here but I should I have been married before and my other husband cheated just before the marriage went under.

I was so sure this guy would not cheat, because he was cheated on by his exwife and he was so upset by what he lived through.

The big problem with my husband is that he is an over the road trucker, pretty hard to keep an eye on him. But I had been seeing that as soon as he got home from one of his trucking trips, he just started doing this.

That he would go into the computer room, shut the door and get on the computer. It being so close to Christmas I thought maybe he was looking up for gifts and all. So I did not push it.

But then I learned there is ways to find out just what sites he is hitting and one night late I did. I was so surprised. Now I understand his moodiness, his being a super crab and all that.

There is a problem in our marriage that most don't have, I have many health problems. Many which mess up me for sex but my husband will not try to help me over come these. But rather does his own thing, he is one of these guys you got to get ready to go for sex with one grab and at 57 it is just not there anymore.

So I believe this is his excuse but if the shoe was on the other foot, I sure the heck would not be checking out dating sites on the net.

He knew when he married me that I had all these health problems and with each passing birthday they get worse. On Wed. Dec.3 we will have been married three years.

I am fearing that here I go again, and that I never should have got married. I still love the guy, but I am fearing love means nothing to this man. He is one of those guys that lives for sex.

If his wife can not give it to him then he will find another just not sure what he plans to do with the little woman at home.

I have always found that the new gal makes the man feel so good, because she does not have the pressures of living with him and so she is free to do things just for him.

So soon the new gal starts to look much better than the old wife and so the wife is threw out in the cold.

I don't know where to go from here, my world was around my husband and now that world is starting to break up?

So where do I go from here? Should I try to talk to him? Ask him if he knows about the tracking cookie on the computer? This history of all the sites he is going to?

Should I ask him if he has made the first step or followed through with seeing a woman? I use to trust him and now I don't but how am I going to know if he is telling the truth or not?

There is no way here, I know of my marriage vows and for now will stand by them. But I believe I am stronger in my faith than my husband.

And for now I am stuck, yet I don't know what to do?
Renee57

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think he married you because he loved you.

It is fair to say that if your sex life is low and his is high that he needs some form of outlet.

You may be suprised that all he is doing is trying to feel good, and that he simply masterbates and is not cheating.

The moment you start "snooping" off course your mind goes into all sorts of spins and you think all sorts of things.

I wouldn't tell him that you thought is was cheating, is a lier, and so checked on this feeling... That would to me send him out the door. Because that is what you are saying when you discuss search engines etc.

Can you not have sex at all because of your Health Problems?

Do you not like to do other things, such as bj's things that at least help him sexually?

Do you still like to make love to him? And, can work a way in this regard ?

CW

[WildChild]

Time for a heart to heart. Men often hate them but they can do a world of good. I would leave the possible cheating alone right now and focus on the we need to make some changes, help each other be happier end of things. CW is right, there is a great deal you can do, a lot of men would be thrilled to have regular bjs, you can use your hands, there are a lot of ways you can help get him off using different areas of your body. Tell him you want to explore this. He may be afraid of causing you physical pain with sex, you need to deal with that, what can or can't you do? Be clear that what you can, you want to do!

See what comes out of this. Then go from there.

[jaderose]

I'm just curious to know if him going straight to the computer when he comes home is your sure fire sign that he is cheating on you? To be quite honest.....he could be looking at pornography. (I re-read what you posted....you said that you are able to see what sites he is going to but, you didn't say what they were....?? Just that you understand his moodiness now?) If he is looking at porn on the computer, it's OKAY. It took me quite a long time to accept and adjust to the fact that it is totally normal and healthy for a lot of men to do. It just gives something different....they are more visually connected compared to women who are more emotionally than visually, when it comes to sex. About you health problems you said he isn't willing to work through them with you? You aren't explaining everything in a way which we can help you...but, from what you have said I really think you should sit down with him (not when he first gets home from his trucker trips...wait a little while, maybe when you are going to bed together??) and tell him how you feel & the concerns you are having. If he isn't willing to express himself or sensitive to your feelings then I think you have a problem. Remember you guys got married in the first place and then tell him so he is reminded as well. He may just be longing for a connection that you two once had.

I meant to say Remember WHY you guys got married in the first place...and then remind him of those reasons.

[Shannon1]

Jaderose..He's checking out dating sites..(I almost missed that too.) And to me, that doesn't sound good. I am talking from my own experience: ex-husband starting doing more than just looing at porn on the internet, he started this whole thing about being single and looking . next thing I know, I come home early from work one day, to find the girl he'd been chatting with sitting at my kitchen table. Found out later she lived in my neighborhood. Needless to say, we ended up divorced. My situation is probably not the 'norm" so as for renee57, my advice to you is start doing some more "research" but make sure he does not know you are watching him closely. maybe talk to him about your relationship, but don't let him know you are suspecting anything, just in case he really isn't doing anything. No matter what happens, you know your man more than anyone else.. what is your heart tell you?

[Renee57]

Once he gets home going to talk things over....

Hey let me say thanks to all who wrote. My husband is an over the road trucker and he has been gone for two weeks well almost. So I have not got to talk to him about this. I thought I would see if he did the same thing once home with the closing of the door to the computer room and then would check to see if he has been hitting those sites again. But these aren't just pictures he is looking at, he is going to dating sites. I write to a lot of people with email some of them I have never met. My husband told me I could not write to any other men. So I haven't. But then I find him hitting these sites, it just hurt was all. You think you know someone and sometimes you really don't. At the start of the two weeks, when he has just gone out in the truck, when I would call him. He just could not talk to me, was crabby and short with me. But now he is becoming his old self again. He and I are Christians; he knows in his heart that hitting dating sites while married is not right and so that might be the anger and crabness I saw in him. A inter fight you might say. My number one problem with health and there is a long list wrong with me, but the big thing is a very bad back. So bad I can not sleep in a bed, but have to sleep in a chair. But he knew this before he married me, he said he loved me and it would not matter. I have tryed to get him to let me help him get off. He will have no part of that, it is all or nothing. So right now there is no hugs, kisses or hand holding. So that has got me wondering too, if he has found another person. I did ask him if he was tired of me and wanted someone else to which he answered " no". So I am not sure what is going on with him. For now I am going to just lay low and think maybe this was a one shot thing. If I find he has done it again, I will know we must talk about this. There can not be one set of rules for me and one for him. He is a good guy for the most part and I love him dearly. So I am not going to walk away even if I find out he has cheated on me. I just pray he has not but just thought about it.

Again thanks to all who wrote... Merry Christmas too: Renee57

[being_me81]

I know exactly what you are going through

I feel for you Reene - I'm going through the same thing. My husband is changing and I've caught him on dating sites as well - porn sites also. I don't know what to do either. I take good care of myself, not trying to get a big head or anything but I stay looking sexy so he wouldn't have to look the other way - men are dogs and I am so disappointed. Sorry , I really had to let it out.

[Renee57]

Need to talk to your guy....

Hello. I talked to my guy and he said he knew he shouldn't have been doing that but he was just looking was all. He promises not to do it again, well the dating sites anyway. He still loves to look at other women but he knows he can only look not touch. He said he was not cheating doing that, but he did understand why I was upset. He said it took him 13 years to find me; a woman he could trust because when he is out in that truck gone, he knows I will be home. So I shall see what happens, you know they say actions speak louder than words. But still you need to talk to your guy, ask him what he looking for? Tell him you love him and you aren't going anywhere. He needs to know checking out those dating sites are not fair to you. Talk things over and see where it might lead for you. If you love him and he loves you, then the two of you should be able to work this out. Keep me posted though.

Renee57

[Tuesday]

If you were my friend I would be so proud of you for the way you have dealt with this. You have managed to do two almost impossible things, stand up for your own point of view as well as helping him have retain some dignity.