[Sonita]

I just don't know what my problem is....

I've been with my husband for almost 8yrs. I met him when I was 17yrs old.
I'd had a really rough childhood & went a bit "out of control" as a teen, then I met my husband & decided I didn't want to end up like my sister or Mother.
He was nice, had a good job, loved me & I could see him being a great Father.
So...I chose him. I know that sounds cold, but I just didn't want my kids to grow up like I did...and I was terrified of ending up like my mum.

I love my husband. He's a wonderful man...but it just feels like something is missing.
We are more like friends, than lovers....The sex is really good when we do it (my sex drive has gone from Insatiable...to pretty low lately). But I am just not sure if I'm attracted to him like I used to be.
We are comfortable together.
But I want to feel wanted, desired...needed.

Does that love exist, where you want someone so bad...it hurts? The thought of being without them is terrifying...??
Or am I just imagining something that doesn't exist?

I was very young when we got together & never really had another boyfriend.

And sometimes, I think of THAT feeling...belly getting tied in knots just at the though of the other person.
I just don't get that feeling with my husband anymore.

I love him, care about him & I'm a good wife. He's a very good husband & provider.

But I just feel like something is missing between us.

Am I just being a self-obcessed cow?

But I'm scared, maybe I settled & my real soulmate is out there...somewhere.

My husband is a wonderful man...although he is a bit emotionally stunted(are all men like that?)

I spend ALOT of time on my own. Hubby works away & I suppose that plays a part in it...
But I am just quite down at the moment & finding myself thinking about things more & more.

We have been trying to get pregnant for the last 7 months...with no luck yet, so I think that has gotten me even more depressed.

Any help would be much appreciated.
I'm just so confused.

[Sonita]

Just thought I'd mention...
I know I'm just being silly. My husband was the first man to treat me decently & not just like a peice of meat. I was lucky to find him...I know I just need to suck it up & stop being a big girl.

Everything has just been compounded lately, we moved, I'm coping with the new property alone & I don't do well when I'm unsettled. Atleast the panic attacks have stopped now.

Trying to look on the bright side....

[WildChild]

Sounds like you've hit a flat spot, you're under stress and I'll take a guess don't have much of a support network? Do you have kids? Girlfreinds you can do things with? A job of any sort? How about hobbies or interests?

[Sonita]

Hi,
I'm on my own for 2 weeks at a time. I have my horses & my dogs....but the conversations are a bit boring with them!
No, no kids yet. We've been trying though. But then I have the problem of, sex is more like a chore, than a pleasure. It's always been something that I just did to make my partner happy....but I want it to be more than that. I want to want it...if that makes sense.
I don't have anyone else I can talk to...

Ah I don't know...flat spot sounds about right I think.

I know it's my problem...not his...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds like your feeling a bit depressed... On your own, no friends to catch up with and be girly with, just a dog to hug... Then the trying for a child but not yet happening, is also quite depressing.

Your husband may not be such a "stick in the mud" sexually either, as you think... You may be viewing that differently, " a chore" to have a child. Why don't you add some passion in it, romance, when he next returns home and see how he reacts, acts, sexually, not just candles, and a table to two but dress sexy, put some music on and see where it takes you.

Sometimes you fall into a rut and so you have to jump over it a bit.

WC made a good suggestion, hobbies, friends, start to see how you can get out as well when he is not home, and meet people.

CW

[Sonita]

I'm extremely self conscious...don't know how I'd go dressing sexy like that & making a "spectacle" of myself. That's a down-right scary thought.
We live on a farm, so I have to be here every morning & every afternoon to do the feeding/watering of the stock, so it makes it really hard to go anywhere...
I'm going away for 1 night next week & getting someone in to look after things, which is stressing me out even more. My first time away in a long time, without anyone actually staying here...it's scary, especially when I have a mare due to foal.
And I have to go on a plane...alone. First time! That means going into the city, and that's even scarier!
I used to be pretty independant, but the last few years...I've gotten more reclusive & nervous...which really isn't good.
When show season is on for the horses, I get involved in that. But still find it hard to talk to people. I'm pretty shy.

And another thing....My husband doesn't make me feel like a "woman". I don't even know if that makes sense...I'm alot taller than he is (he's 5'7 & I'm almost 6'2). Hard to feel sexy & like a woman when your bigger than your partner!
I envy those petite, short girls...

[rcoreyus]

If going to the city is a big deal, you should get out more. Maybe you are in a bit of a rut - farm / small town , and you need something new and exciting in your life. Maybe you should go somewhere with your husband - I don't know how far it is to the nearest city, but can you do it as a day trip? I don't know your financial situation, can you afford few days of vacation - go somewhere new and exciting.

As far as your appearance - some men love tall women. The best way to be more attractive isn't clothes - its being confident and happy. If you believe you are attractive, you will be.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Fellow Australian hey?

You actually can see what's happening, your life wasn't "a farm girl" before, you didn't have anxiety before, but being icolated for so long, "duties", has placed a fear.

That's based on you personally, okay so your shy, a touch of lipstead is sexy, you don't have to "dress up", rather, feel good about how you look.

He is shorter than you, think back when you two first met, it didn't matter then.

Who were you before you met him? And, when you both first dated for the first 12 months, how was it?

What's changed? Or has nothing changed really..

I think farming is very strick there is a "routine", it's on-going, you have to get up at a certain hour, you have to do things at certain times, you don't dress in nice tops etc, it's not important and so goes your life.

Do you enjoy this lifestyle?

CW

[Guest]

have you ever spoken with your husband about this?

[WildChild]

Sounds like you are really nervous about this trip, can you see it as an adventure? Find a sense of fun about it? You didn't say why you are going but it may be very good for you.

Your husband will probably treat you more like a woman when you start to feel more like one. But really this is an odd thought process we women fall into. We Are Women. EVERYTHING you do is female, womanly, you can't do anything else! But I think I know what you mean. I've been there too, there is something about shoveling out the chicken house, hauling around wheelbarrows, doing alot of heavy work, being very in the 'male' side of your actions and thought processes, that distances you from your feminine side. Being isolated adds to it. Women have 10 times the connective brain tissues of men, this is a lot about communication- we need to talk, to share, to connect, it is literally wired into our brains. When we don't get it we suffer.
How close are any of your neighbors? Are there women you can connect with? You need to make an effort to get out and meet people. A church group? A community theater, the local grange? A book discussion group? Playing cards, bingo, there has to be something? You need to connect.

Sounds like you have plenty of time to yourself but how much time do you take for yourself? You need to indulge your feminine side, wear earrings and make up everyday. Just make that part of your pattern. I started doing that and it's surprising what a difference it makes. Doesn't matter if no other person sees you - you see and feel you.Do regular manicures and pedicures. With the type of work you do you probably keep you nails short but they can still be well shaped and cared for. I do quite a bit of hard work and have managed to lose both finger and toe nails at times but still keep the rest nice. Perhaps while you are on your adventure you can get into a lingere store and an adult shop or two? Pick yourself up some goodies? Indulge your fem side a bit.