[elsa_niloo]

Ok, I am lost and confused.
Please tell me what you think.
After i met my husband he told me that he is well off and that i dont have to work; therefore, i finished my last year of school, graduated and am currently trying to look for a job in the current aweful job market.

anyways the problem is that we had our wedding which was mostly paid for, and then we took two trips this last year which one was helped out quite alot with my family again to pay for.

The truth is that everyday he tells met that we have worked off a huge credit card bill and he has to pay for it and we have no money. Lst yer he told me he has 50 grand cash, and now he's telling me he never said that.
then he told me we have 20 grand savings, then 15 and tonight he tells me that has paid it all for bills and we have no savings. the truth is i know we have bills and i have tried to look at his bank account but i dont understand much from what is it he's doing.

Truth is i dont know what he's doing! could he be really in trouble or saving up money or afraid of telling me how much money he has in case we split up.
See, my mother used to be my best friend but we have been sorta outa touch since she decided she was not going to support my future of getting another university degree, so now i have no one to talk to and ask for help.

I am confused. I love my husband but i dont know if i can trust him. I just started my new years with the fear that we are BROKE. What the am i doing? I have just graduated, I have no job and my husband who told me that we have money is now denying it. Our cellphones were cutoff yesterday and wont be working till we pay the bill on jan 15th.
What the heck am i to do? I love my husband but i dont knwo what to say to him. everytime i start to ask questions he says i'm judging him and dismisses me.

please tell me what to do.

Truth is i am afraid and hate confrontations but i dont know if i can let this one go.

[rcoreyus]

I think married couples should always share financial information. I think it is OK for each to have a small amount of money they can spend without questions or scrutiny, but the main money should be visible to both. (and I am a very strong privacy advocate - even within marriage).

I think your husband should show you everything he knows about the finances. You can even use the (possibly true) excuse that he may have lost a lot of money with the financial disasters of the last few months (I sure did), and that together you need to figure out how to budget things.

I recall from your other posts that this is not your first or only problem with him. If he isn't happy to show you the financial information, I would take that as a sign that there is even more wrong.

If he is trying to hide money in case you are divorced, the courts will find it.

I'm afraid that I still think you are in a bad situation and that you should leave. You deserve much better than this. Please find someone worthy of you.

[sourpuss]

I agree with rcoreyus 100%.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Apart from that I see something else.

You and your Mother were like best friends UNTIL she refused to help you financially with Uni for furthering your career?

Your husband SAID he was rich, so to speak is that why you married him?

Now you have no relationship with your Mother and your husband has no money.

He either lied, or he is a gambler, if he lied it maybe cause he wanted you as his wife, but thought he could change your thinking.

Why diss your mother cause she could not, would not help you further financially.

I did not re-read your posts and I should, cause obviously Recoreyus has picked stuff up as I would and Sourpuss has seen it too.

But, i am wondering.


Were you looking for security which otherwise you did not have?

Because if so, wrong reason to marry... for security that Mum wouldnt provide.

And, get your thoughts together properly if you had a wicked relationship with your mother and it's gone due to money?

Uh ha...........

CW

[elsa_niloo]

oh no chandler's wish don't get me wrong.

I have never asked anyone for financial help. I got my university degree in Science and payed for it myself through jobs and student loans even though my mother could afford it.
The problem we have now is that she wants me to go to medical school instead of getting a second degree in Arts. And even though being a doctor is very reputable, I really can't tolerate the atmosphere of a hospital and don't see my passion in medicine.
And I am not upset at my husband because we have no money, i am upset because i thought that marriage is 50/50 and he should share with me, whether he does or doesnt have money. I don't ask for much and I sure don't like to be lied to.

I had a very rich suitor before my husband but i fell in love with my husband and I married him regardless. I believe love and honesty goes further in life than money.

Now about leaving my husband. Why does everyone say LEAVE? why doesnt someone tell me what to do to solve the problem?

So what if i leave this guy, does that mean that the next one would be perfect? and what if mr. perfect had some problems? should i then leave him and run into the arms of my next saviour?

Don't we all get here and blame our forum member's husbands and fiances for leaving and not solving the problem with their partners? If I do leave without trying at least what would make me better than those Fiances or Husbands that walked out on the ladies?

I appreciate everyone's advice here and consider myself lucky that you do respond to my stupid questions, but for god's tell me what to do to solve the problem?

How do i make my relationship better and get over these milestones?

[Guest]

Ok, I'll tell ya.

I think you should get right down on his ***
and let him know you've had enough of this bull!
You mean business and don't want anymore lies, that you refuse to live like this, that you love him but it's going to take the truth about these issues and others when they arise, to make this marriage work!

Get down on him, you are not going to be able to whishy washy your way thru this without some Tuff Love! Full stop!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

oh no chandler's wish don't get me wrong.

I have never asked anyone for financial help. I got my university degree in Science and payed for it myself through jobs and student loans even though my mother could afford it.
The problem we have now is that she wants me to go to medical school instead of getting a second degree in Arts. And even though being a doctor is very reputable, I really can't tolerate the atmosphere of a hospital and don't see my passion in medicine.
And I am not upset at my husband because we have no money, i am upset because i thought that marriage is 50/50 and he should share with me, whether he does or doesnt have money. I don't ask for much and I sure don't like to be lied to.

I had a very rich suitor before my husband but i fell in love with my husband and I married him regardless. I believe love and honesty goes further in life than money.

Now about leaving my husband. Why does everyone say LEAVE? why doesnt someone tell me what to do to solve the problem?

So what if i leave this guy, does that mean that the next one would be perfect? and what if mr. perfect had some problems? should i then leave him and run into the arms of my next saviour?

Don't we all get here and blame our forum member's husbands and fiances for leaving and not solving the problem with their partners? If I do leave without trying at least what would make me better than those Fiances or Husbands that walked out on the ladies?

I appreciate everyone's advice here and consider myself lucky that you do respond to my stupid questions, but for god's tell me what to do to solve the problem?

How do i make my relationship better and get over these milestones?

Well, good for you.

You have to excuse me and I commend you not just on your answer, but in the way in which you view life..

I posed that based on "internet" a few words, and how other's may read... I do that, so please don't take it the wrong way... As, I said good for you.

The problem I guess is that he lied and is lying to you... I think that is why people are saying go.

Because a relationship really only works on honesty and trust, seems that he is hiding things from you and did from the beginning.

Was he aware of this other suiter? If so, then he made the money things up to win you.

All the time having nothing.

Insecurity on his behalf.

If, so it could be because he really loved you and felt that if he prentened then you would marry him, and still that is wrong, so wrong, he didn't know your heart, you say you don't care.

So, the only suggestion that i can give then is tell him, if you had, had nothing I still would have married you it is you that I fell for, obviously things aren't what they seem, so we have to build trust into this marriage now right now or it won't work.

If we have no money, then we need to work out how to solve the problems we have and build a future, I love you.

If he crys and says yes, i am sorry blah blah up to you to work with it and find solutions.

But, if he still disses things, is deceitful then hun, you married a lier and sorry i agree therefore with others, you can't jump this, nor do you deserve it.

CW

[elsa_niloo]

Oh chandler's wish you're a sweetheart.
What you said is ok, it's not like you really know me.

well we did talk last night again. he is very sweet and does talk but i think he suffers from low self confidence and sometimes makes up stuff, which is wrong.

but you know, i love him because he is loyal. As it does turn out we really are broke and he swore that he is not hiding money. He is the only one right now with a career and makes a substantial amount too, but i cant wait till i get on my own two feet and start my career.

After all, it's always easier for a woman to be independant and take charge of her own life married or unmarried.

He has alot of faults but he is loyal and loving and i intend to work out the problems with him. I do want to leave him at times but I do know that I will always smack myself for not trying to solve the problem.

[rcoreyus]

Elsa_niloo:We can't really tell what is going on by looking a a few words on the internet - various people here give the best advice they can based on what they have read - but no one knows the situation as well as you do.

I've seen a number of things from your posts that worry me:

He isn't interested in you physically anymore - and more importantly isn't willing to do things to please you when he is not particularly interested. I know this has gotten somewhat better, but my impression is that it still is not very good. I have lived with this problem at home for 25 years now, and I can tell you that it is a constant strain on a relationship. If that was the only problem, you could still work things out.

But - he also hit you recently and broke some thing around the house. He didn't hurt you much -this time - but it is a very very bad sign. Someone who gets violent under stress is dangerous.

Now he is hiding financial information from you. That in itself is very bad - married couples should share (most) financial information. I don't mean that every item on the credit card bill should be scrutinized (what were you doing at that restaurant? is NOT a fair question), but the major sources of money should be visible. If there are problems they should be shared.

If he is not willing to show you the financial information he either is hiding something, or he has absolutely no respect for your ability to make decisions on money (a BAD thing). If one of you has money problems in a marriage, both do - and both should work to solve it. All marriages run into hard times (I imagine poor Bill Gates was devastated when he found he couldn't actually buy Bolivia <g>), and both need to work to fix them.

So, overall this marriage sounds like bad news, the sort of bad news you will regret until you finally get divorced - maybe many sad years down the road.

You want advice on how to fix your marriage - but from what I can see, it is his problem not yours, and nothing you can do will fix it.

Now, changing topics:
I think it is very important to choose a career that you both enjoy AND will make enough money for you to be comfortable (whatever that means to you). Even if you marry someone rich - you should never be beholden to someone else - never put your self in someone's power - or (just as bad) make someone feel responsible for supporting you. OR, if you really, really want someone rich to support you, find someone RICH, not someone who worries about a few 10s of thousands of dollars. Those people are out there if you know where to look.

There are lots of careers that are both fun and make reasonable money. You can also get a career that you find OK, and do what you love as a hobby. Talk more about the sorts of things you like to do, and maybe you will get some good suggestions.

You are still young enough to do anything you want. Please please don't throw away your future happiness.

Oh, one more thing. Please, don't get pregnant. No accidents. That would be the final inescapable tie - and you might really be in a situation you couldn't escape.

(sorry for the long tirade - clearly this is something I've thought about a lot).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

recoreyus
You are still young enough to do anything you want. Please please don't throw away your future happiness.

Oh, one more thing. Please, don't get pregnant. No accidents. That would be the final inescapable tie - and you might really be in a situation you couldn't escape.

I 100% agree here and recoreyus, has obviously spent considerable time reading, re-reading and feeling and therefore, answering in length...

You seem to have a beautiful heart.

You remind me of me when I was married... In as much as, coming up with reasons why my ex-husband, was verbally abusive, or didn't share his financial information or money with me.

Why (lol) he bought me a motor bike helmet WT? For my 40th um, that's his passion not mine...

I think from re-reading your threads, which i replied to as well, you are in a bit of denial....

And, you are doing what most married people do, especially newly weds, "I AM MARRIED"... so I have to work at this, I can make it happen, Marriage is for ever after.

I didn't have kids: -phew and as such, what recoreyus has written is 100% in agreeance with me, thank God....

I am here to say sweet, he never, ever, ever, changed, I left, I am SOOOO HAPPY now, and with someone else as well who treats me like a Queen.

And, so.... I think you will go through the motions until, your anger, hurt over rides and ends up being the only feeling you have.

You can't have all those things missing in a marriage and expect it will work.

When you are ready, you will walk.

You just won't face that at this point, instead, deciding to try.. That's okay, that's heading towards closure.

CW