[torn2pieces]

I am so fed up with our arguing. Nothing is good enough for him and that includes me, therefore I am done. I have tried and tried and still I don't do this or that, he needs to take a look at his self, he is not perfect.

At this point, I really don't know what to do, I have no control about making him happy. I thought I did but I give up. We have alot together but not too much to seperate. I think he will be happier without me. If you really love someone you want them to be happy even if it's not with you, right? So I will let him go. I have cried so much during this relationship during our fights and issues that at this point I don't need to cry if we break up. It's been coming, I consider myself in a good position here, atleast I am not blind sided and we suddenly break up.

I am DONE, DONE, DONE. I wish I could atleast go a few days without seeing or dealing with him. I just want to be there for my sister who needs me right now. But because I am stuck with him, I won't be there for her just like I wasn't there for my Grandma because of worrying about making him mad and now she is gone and I will never get her or her forgiveness back.

I want out. I want to be happy, and then he can be happy. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, no more arguing, no more anger.
Yeah it will be devestating and hurt and I will miss him but to think of getting up in the morning and the only person who affects my mood is me.

I don't know how to get out. He's wanted out before and my dumb crying asked him to stay, so now how do I get out without coming off as wrong. I just want out, I want to be happy. Usually I feel this way when I am on my period and my emotions have taken over, but not this time. It's been gone and I am not thinking with the emotions. I feel it inside of me, I AM DONE. I can say it without balling. I say it with frustration, I am done. Another failed relationship, but hey life goes on, I am 27 years old and will be fine. I am Done.

Or am I done? I love him a lot.

[WildChild]

Worry about coming off right or wrong is immature. You are trying to do what is best for both of you. Either this is the right thing and you do it or it isn't and you don't. How you appear has nothing to do with it.

[Guest]

there are two sides to every disagreement, and then what really happened.

most relationships seem to fail over failing to communicate. i dont mean just talking, but talking and actively listening to the other, trying to see their side, and being strong enough to hear all of the bad things that the other person says and at least understand it's their perception - which is valid as a feeling - and may even be true.

whether or not you leave, depends on whether or not you two can start communicating for real...

[torn2pieces]

there are two sides to every disagreement, and then what really happened.

most relationships seem to fail over failing to communicate. i dont mean just talking, but talking and actively listening to the other, trying to see their side, and being strong enough to hear all of the bad things that the other person says and at least understand it's their perception - which is valid as a feeling - and may even be true.

whether or not you leave, depends on whether or not you two can start communicating for real...

Right, I agree. It's crazy how much we disagree. We can usually understand why the other feels a certain way or acted a certain way once we talk it out. But we have ridiculous fights too often over the miscommunication or disagreeance.

We both don't want to fight, and enjoy the good fun times way more. I need a tool and knowledge on how to stop the fighting.

Because of the constant arguing sometimes for days after the argument we are not as close and it hurts so bad to be like that. This morning he took me in his arms and said I am like this (somewhat distant) because I don't know what to do (I know the feeling). So I explain to him how I just want us to be the loving couple that I know we can be and we want to be. I said "If we both have the same goal in mind then we should reach it, right?" and his answer was yes.

I get concerned because it almost seems like we have no control of getting to that goal. Things around us money, kids, only one car are stressful and that adds to our arguments. We both just want us to reach our goal and "be all that we can be".

[torn2pieces]

Do I just deal with it?

This relationship is not a happy one, I DONT know what to do. I don't want to leave cause it is the easy thing to do, but we are lucky if we can go a week without an argument or getting upset and irritated with each other, and we absolutely can not go 2 weeks without one.

Sometimes I close my eyes and day dream of pretending I am happy. I just miss the feeling of happiness, if we seperate I will then be lonely. But I may go back to these thoughts, and these post and have the reality check I need at the time.

Yes we talk, talk, talk and agree that we do not want to argue and we want to make this work, but it's like our arguing seems inevitable.

How do I get this right, how do I know if it is fixable. Do I have a valid reason for leaving a relationship of 2 years, we have a little boy together and I already had a little girl, who he is great with, regardless of blood that is her father. We are not married but plan to get married.

[Little]

Please keep this and related issues in one thread. It makes it easier for other posters to help and support you, as it's easier for them to get the "whole story."

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Torn2pieces
WHAT I REALLY WANT ADVICE ON:

I trust him and believe that he is not sleeping with these women (read "Accepting His Female Friends) I also do not like some of his ways of communicating with them. Because he is a great man and treats me and the kids great, hard worker and we have a fabulous time together, we work as a family well together, we figure out money (even in broke times) together. At this point I am ready to throw up my flag. I want to stop getting so upset about it or upset at all. I am willing to do this for the sake of a wonderful relationship. I worry that I can't because when the issues do come up if those feelings come to me, I can't just ignore them (I can try). But I will know they are there and he will too, cause he knows me well enough. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME SURRENDERING?

Man, Little's right had to go back to a couple of your previous threads haha.

So, you went to Councelling, are you still going?

1 car is the problem, because you can't get out and go anywhere and that's frustrating.

What happened when you confronted him about the "wink" at the dating site sent?

Remember, he gave you passwords for facebook etc.. I know he has female friends and that really urks you, but he has said you can go with him, when he catches up, but, does he know that you can't and wouldn't have been able to get a baby sitter?

Your jealousy is stemming from him still playing "batchelor", it's all together out as friends, or once in a blue moon, not weekly and not all female ones.. That would make most women jealous.

So re-read what you wrote above, in a previous thread... It doesn't sound the same as we fight every single week, now does it?

What is the core issue? Really? What is it?

CW

[torn2pieces]

CW, thanks for responding...I need it

I don't know the core issue. But he and I both agree there is a core problem that is creating all these small/medium problems between us. He suggested it was my anger over the female friends. The female friend issue has calmed down. We went to counseling once. We left the session with the counselors opinion of telling me "Come up with a list of things that Brandon does that displays cheating behavior" and there were very few that I could think of and one of them was when we was two months into our relationship. Overall, he displays loyalty to me much much much more than he displays cheating behaviour. Also, issues came up in the counseling (which I have failed to mention here) that I have major trust issues (and as I talk about them, I think I dis-trust women more than I do men). I have seen a lot of scandal in relationships, from men and women. I know my mother cheated on my father and did even more scandolous things right after he passed away. So from the couseling it came down to it's me with the issues and that the underline issue is "Do I trust Brandon not to cheat".

Yes the car is an issue, but honeslty we work pretty well with getting out together or letting the other get out and do something while the other stays home with the kids (especially since it is cold, we don't drag them out). One car makes mornings difficult(getting everyone out and to work/school on time).

I never confronted him about the "wink". I confronted him about having a profile on the site and he said he only went on there to see what it was and that he won't access it anymore, and I know that he hasn't because I check on it. I didn't want to tell him that I created a page just to bust him because I do enough snooping and accessing his pages (on facebook, etc.). I do believe it was just to see about the site. Before I confronted him, the commercial for the site came on and he said watch this commercial (the commercial is funny, but wrong).

Every argument escalades to other and/or old issues. Now he says cause he knows my attitude (even if I try to cover it) that he really don't want to take me around to meet or hang out with these females, because he knows that I will be watching them, seeing what they are about and probably not giving them the benefit of the doubt, and he is right, I DO NOT trust females. After counseling I told him that I would really work on my insecurities and chill out when it comes to his contact with these females and he said he would help me in anyway. Some time after that he told me he justs avoids going out sometimes (together or alone) with female friends or a group of people, because of my attitude and way of being and I told him that is not supporting me when it comes to working on my attitude of accepting his female friends.

My latest thread isn't the same as accepting his female friends.

Any advice on finding out the core issue? He and I both want to figure it out and work on it.

It's so weird because we both love each other, good people, good to each other, so could we just straight up be wrong for each other?

Man, Little's right had to go back to a couple of your previous threads haha.

So, you went to Councelling, are you still going?

1 car is the problem, because you can't get out and go anywhere and that's frustrating.

What happened when you confronted him about the "wink" at the dating site sent?

Remember, he gave you passwords for facebook etc.. I know he has female friends and that really urks you, but he has said you can go with him, when he catches up, but, does he know that you can't and wouldn't have been able to get a baby sitter?

Your jealousy is stemming from him still playing "batchelor", it's all together out as friends, or once in a blue moon, not weekly and not all female ones.. That would make most women jealous.

So re-read what you wrote above, in a previous thread... It doesn't sound the same as we fight every single week, now does it?

What is the core issue? Really? What is it?

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

torn2pieces
I know my mother cheated on my father and did even more scandolous things right after he passed away. So from the couseling it came down to it's me with the issues and that the underline issue is "Do I trust Brandon not to cheat".

Well, I think that the above statement IS THE CORE ISSUE.

As a child, you watched your Mother be un-faithful.. When your father passed, you watched her do even more un-speakable things.

As a result, you don't TRUST women, however, you live in a relationship that you are trying to understand, that males can have female friends, female can have male friends and good for you in that regard.

But, unfortunately, you don't TRUST any of those women.

So it is not Brandon in that regard, it seems he is level headed and has/is trying to get you to see it is ok, by giving you codes to facebook, so you can read the comments for yourself...

He now knows, that it is "dangerous" to have you around his female friends, as you will be monitoring, watching, observing and ultimately, making each of those women feel un-comfortable. Which will make him feel un-comfortable.

So, my advice to you is this. No two people are alike. Not all people cheat.. You have a strong foundation in your relationship one that has a bond and love. You will lose every relationship you ever come across eventually, if you continue to allow this to eat you up, what your Mother did.

You have a bond with Brandon, trust, love as you did for your Father... But, you resent women to a degree as you see them as stray cats, simply dropping in on any door step they feel, for a feed...

Not all women are like that... either....

So use your judgement wisely, having this knowledge is a good thing.. You will clearly see a woman who doesn't mind being a door mat and you will see a woman who has morals and wouldn't fathom it...

Use the knowledge to know whom to give the "evil eye to" haha, you know what I mean, and know that you have a man whom loves you, obviously, is trying to help you over come that fear... "Still he shouldn't have gone on that dating site, even for a bit of humor", but he did.

You are not your Mother, nor is every woman that you ever meet, see or communicate with..

Treat each person as an individual and be confident in yourself that none of them can have Brandon, because he loves you..

The day you can look yourself in the mirror and really know that above statement is the day that you will never ever worry about his female friends again.

CW

[torn2pieces]

I know what I have to do in my head, but it is actually doing it and what makes it hard is I have known and believed this all my life and to now just change it, but to make he and I work I want to do it.

So much arguing between us, it's hard for us to connect. I just talked to him on the phone and I feel the space.

Well, I think that the above statement IS THE CORE ISSUE.

As a child, you watched your Mother be un-faithful.. When your father passed, you watched her do even more un-speakable things.

As a result, you don't TRUST women, however, you live in a relationship that you are trying to understand, that males can have female friends, female can have male friends and good for you in that regard.

But, unfortunately, you don't TRUST any of those women.

So it is not Brandon in that regard, it seems he is level headed and has/is trying to get you to see it is ok, by giving you codes to facebook, so you can read the comments for yourself...

He now knows, that it is "dangerous" to have you around his female friends, as you will be monitoring, watching, observing and ultimately, making each of those women feel un-comfortable. Which will make him feel un-comfortable.

So, my advice to you is this. No two people are alike. Not all people cheat.. You have a strong foundation in your relationship one that has a bond and love. You will lose every relationship you ever come across eventually, if you continue to allow this to eat you up, what your Mother did.

You have a bond with Brandon, trust, love as you did for your Father... But, you resent women to a degree as you see them as stray cats, simply dropping in on any door step they feel, for a feed...

Not all women are like that... either....

So use your judgement wisely, having this knowledge is a good thing.. You will clearly see a woman who doesn't mind being a door mat and you will see a woman who has morals and wouldn't fathom it...

Use the knowledge to know whom to give the "evil eye to" haha, you know what I mean, and know that you have a man whom loves you, obviously, is trying to help you over come that fear... "Still he shouldn't have gone on that dating site, even for a bit of humor", but he did.

You are not your Mother, nor is every woman that you ever meet, see or communicate with..

Treat each person as an individual and be confident in yourself that none of them can have Brandon, because he loves you..

The day you can look yourself in the mirror and really know that above statement is the day that you will never ever worry about his female friends again.

CW