[hello_pitty]

Okay so, I'm 23 and my fiance is 30. No kids for either of us yet and our wedding is in 5 months (june 21st). I have a full time job and he's living on EI until April (I think) when he can go back to work (seasonal).

Anyways, we're not doing too good financially, I'm sure no one really is right now. So there is our number one "stress". He plans on letting us suffer until he starts working again...

Now the other biggie in our relationship. He is such a DRAG! He is ALWAYS sleeping, always depressed looking, always "grouchy" looking. It brings me down so much, it makes me cry sometimes. He doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't eat right, he doesn't try excersise....doesn't even TRY walk the dog, poor gal is bored at home all day, and I can't because i'm working! I understand it's cold outside, but I see people walking thier dogs in freezing weather!

But get this, he told me recently he doesn't want to get old! He wants to die young so he doesn't have to deal with getting old! Now how is THIS supposed to make me feel?!!! So he wants me to outlive him and mourn for years until I die of depression and age? I'd rather die alone and not mourning anyone except my family members...not someone I love with all my heart KNOWING he didn't want to live.

I love him so much, I want to marry him and have kids with him, but this is SUCH a huge load on my back now! I can't work right because all I can think about is him being depressed looking or sleeping ALL the time.

What do I do? I don't want to just call off the wedding, but I feel I don't want to marry someone like this...but I love him!

I've been through this before. It took me 6 months to finally leave a physically, mentally and spiritually abusive relationship. THIS relationship is not physically or mentally abusive...but I feel i am being neglected, but I want to make it work before I just turn my back on him...I want to give him a chance.

Everytime I try talk to him about these things, he either has nothing to say or it feels like i'm talking to a wall!

Recently he quit smoking pot, yes he was an addict. But he quit for ME. While that does feel good, he did not quit to benifit himself. I want us to be healthy, drug/ alcohol free, and happy going into our marriage.

I don't know, i'm lost...I feel like I want to just die...I want to give up and die. I've been hurt WAY too many times in my short life by the ones I love. Why can't I have a normal life? Why?

[WildChild]

I've blown it in marriage more than once and part of it was this kind of thinking. Walking down the aisle, standing front of a judge or minister, having party, adding a ton to your debt load - won't improve the situation. You hit the nail on the head -He has to want to change. Until he does there should be no marriage. YOU can't Make it work, that takes both of you and right now it doesn't sound like he is interested. Can he change? Yes. But he has to do it. You can't do it for him or make him do it.

As for your statement, " I've been hurt WAY too many times in my short life by the ones I love. Why can't I have a normal life? Why? " I've said this many times and I'm more than twice your age - slow learner I guess. Last time I really thought I had it right, it literally started to come apart the day after the marriage. There were subtle signs before, I failed to see them for what they were. You don't have subtle signs here, you've got a freakin billboard. It's plastered all over, this isn't going to work! Not as it is now.

Sounds more like you are in love with what you think could be, not with what is. You can go on loving him but don't have to marry him until he gets his act together. Call off the wedding, don't incur any more expenses or energy there. (people spend way too much on this anyway - gets them off to a bad start financially) Give him a deadline, he gets a job, gets out of bed, off the couch, on his feet, starts walking the dog, helping out, looks for and finds a real job, starts some trade training (?), or you walk. You are talking about the rest of your life living with this man, having children with him - this isn't what you want. You wouldn't be posting about it if it was.

Be prepared though, I did this with my first husband, gave him six months to get a job, quit the drugs, dump the gf and not get another, and I quit giving him money, took him off my credit cards. He moved into the spare bedroom, and changed nothing. I paid off the debts and at the end of six months moved out and filed for divorce. He put on some dramatics, made some threats, ran up some new debt and tried to stick me with it, demamded the wedding rings back (he bought them on payments and guess who'd actually paid) then returned the rings - I sold them. He finally buzzed off after the divorce was final and guess what? THEN he got a job (still has it almost 30 yrs later) and quit the doping. He's never remarried.

If the relationship isn't what you want before you marry, it's unlikely to improve after. Why take the chance? Fix it first or leave, Yes, it hurts, but not as badly as looking at your children and knowing you have brought them into the world with a total jerk that they will have to deal with and learn from all their young lives.

How ever badly it hurts now, it will get worse if you marry him and have kids and then try to deal with it. There are plenty of good men in the world, find one you can share life with, not a remodeling project. You are young, you've got many years ahead of you, make the life you want as a single, give yourself time to enjoy it and then find a man who fits the life you have.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't know the ramifications of smoking marijuana daily, weekly, annually, except that somewhere along the line, it has been stated that it destroys brain cells, makes you depressed, lazy.

He has no will, desire to be anything, moseys along in life, ied) "When the job starts again," doesn't matter if there isn't sufficient funds for you both "now" so you can have a bit of fun as well.. He is not concerned about anything.

He sounds depressed with life and so he needs to get active, find hobbies, and I know that's so "easy to say"..

But, when my ex-husband went through this early into our marriage like 9 months into it, having had a major fall and hurting 4 disks in his back, he didn't give a flying fox either about anything, let alone me, or finances...

I feel where you are at, as I was there.

It took me 6 and a bit years, of constantly talking about his "hobbies", motor bikes, even buying him one eventually, trying to get him to be passionate about something.... "Had heard if a person is passionate about live, they will be in the bedroom" damd that didn't work, anyway......

He eventually did start getting his passion back " for the bikes", and so then for work, but then I never saw him at all, because for 12 months he went out every opportunity he had and left me alone. And, the day he said " you better get used to it, I'm only 44 and I'm not changing, I'll be riding for the rest of my life every chance I get", I went pftttt and left.

Turned out in reality, that is who he was "before" I met him... All I managed to do was get him back to almost "where he was", a selfish person with nil understanding of what "two souls" together means.

Point I am trying to make is, it's their way... Whilst I succeeded in getting rid of the fat lazy man on the couch, to getting out there and being, he entered his own world again, one of self importance, totally.

Was your Fiance like this when you met? Did he smoke on-going when you met? It may be that he is just that way and you feel great that he is off the dope but who was he before? Because, it sounds like he doesn't care for responsibility, or connection or making others happy, his own little world.

CW

[hello_pitty]

Well now that I've calmed down and sort of talked to him about this...of course he didn't say much, only that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I can get in depth with this.

Do you think some sort of counselling will help? I WANT to understand him, and why he feels this way. But you know men, they are sealed shut with thier emotions and it takes some coaxing to get it out.

You're right, I feel like I love who he WAS when we met and I keep believing he will get better. There are some days where he is okay and stays out of bed (playing the Wii, but hey i'd rather see him up and out of bed) and some days he just wants to lay around all day.

Now let me say, he does work hard when he does. He's a greenskeeper for a golf course (NOT easy work AT ALL) then before that he was courior. But why does he feel he needs to lay around all day and take a 5-6 month break? I WISH I could do that!!!

I think I will lay down some rules around the house. He DOES take the dog outside to do her business and feeds her, but sometimes I'm the one doing that. I wish he would BUILD the darn fence already!! a year and a half and all he's got up is fence posts and a gate
I want him to start cleaning up after himself, thats the least he can do. He does the laundry every now and then, and I "praise" him for it.....but I sure wish he'd clean up after he cooks...ugh

I do think calling off the wedding is a bit harsh...but delaying it until next year might work for him. I will tell him the truth, that I do not want to marry him this way, so I will give him a chance to get his act together and be a man, not a boyish-dude (lol)

[silvertae]

Totally agree with WildChild. Do not go ahead with this marriage. It won't end well.

[WildChild]

You must do what you feel is right. but making it work for him is what you've been doing already. He doesn't actually have a career or a full time job - just seasonal work - do you really see 20 or 30 years of that ? If he were serious about making a life for the two of you or even just for himself, he'd be working on something else, either training or some trying other feild. At 30, boyish-dude is more like dud - ya know what I mean?

Yes, you love him but how long are you willing to hold up both ends of the deal? You wish you could take take a 5 month break? The ONLY reason he can is because you are letting him. Maybe you both could use some "space" before you marry. How about moving out on your own to get the opportunity to really experience that, while giving him a chance to get his act together? If the relationship won't survive that, then you don't have much of a chance anyway, better to find out now than later.

[Guest]

barring some significant emotional event that changes him, what you see is what you'll have... forever. People pretty much who they will be for the rest of their lives by the age of 27 or so, unless there's a live awakening event. Sometimes counseling helps that to happen, sometimes not.

people often mistake getting married for having a real marriage. you can have a real marriage without ever having the paperwork or standing in front of a minister or justice of the peace. but getting married doesnt guarantee a marriage, just a piece of paper that makes it all the more harder to leave when you realize you are married, but dont have a marriage.

I know you love him, have deep feelings for him, want to be with him. But you've also already seen who he is deep down.

unless he actually discusses these issues with you, and tries to at least address them properly, why would you want to go through with getting married?

[Ashlee T.]

Sounds much like my ex, and the situation I can imagine his gf is going through now. He's 31 I think, she's probably 24. And all I can say is that I am MUCH happier being on the outside of that type of situation. He would go through times of sleeping all the time, not bathing, not taking care of himself, not eating, and just being impossible to be happy around.
Sounds like you need to seriously think about whether you truly want what marriage really is....with this man.

Oh...and never, never ever let any man make you feel like you want to give up and die. Many of us have been screwed over time and time again....it's happened to me. But my goal is to outlive em all......and show em what they missed out on!

[hello_pitty]

Well I talked to him some more.

Here's a little history for you first...about a year and a half ago he was part of a rock band, they were doing really good and were so close to being signed and were working on getting thier first album recorded. But then one day they all voted to kick him out of the band (all of them voted him out). He was (and still is) a very good singer.

Now on TOP of that betrayel by his so-called best friends, his "brothers", they stole one of his songs that HE wrote, but they claimed they all wrote it together...but my fiance wrote the lyrics AND put it together...all THEY pitched in was the melody. So now after having all these knives stabbed in his back, he is still healing (this is why he feels so crappy, but I know theres more and I will work it out of him soon)...

So how long DOES it take for someone to heal from this? A man at that. I know when my best friend talked behind my back, it hurt so bad...but this is far worse

Now just so you know I did not fall in love with him because he was a "rockstar", but I fell in love with his personality, he is such a character and always made me smile. We have not got into any serious "fights" or arguments, we HAVE disagreed and were irritated with eachother...but after a nice cooldown by ourselves, we apologised and talked it out. But one time I nearly left him...my stuff was packed and my car loaded...I handed him the engagement ring and everything and I was already talking about who's stuff is whos and what i'm taking and what hes taking. But he said he wanted another chance (this was over the pot smoking) after a talk with my friends I decided I will give him one chance...and he hasn't touched the stuff since.

So from a mans point of view, what should I do? He is a very sensitive man, and never ever selfish, always going out of his way to help people, even if it's his last dollar. But sometimes he can be SO stubborn (like most men) and like I said, it brings me down to see him so depressed. (I know I can't expect him to suddenly be happy and smiley ALL the time...but jeeze...) He says I make him so happy and i'm the best thing that happened to him.

About the job issue, he said next year he is going to join the courior again during the winter....I hope so, because it's not fair! He said he's sorry and didn't realize I was so upset over it...well DUH!!!! lol