[Sylver]

I haven't been on here in a while but I have been writing everything down. All my anger, frustrations and the conversations that I have with him that seem to go absolutely nowhere. I do well most of the time when we have conversations... mostly to do with the girls. But when I find out that he "allowed" me to have my girls all weekend on a long weekend just because he was being "nice" ... well he was really lying and he just had plans to go away with friends for the entire weekend. I got very very angry. He is out enjoying the freedom after 12 years with no kids, no responsibilities and thinks I have to answer all his calls so he can talk to his kids. I get upset because I live with my Dad and the kids are fighting constantly, i have to worry about getting jobs to move out with and even finding a place to live while he has a job and security and yes, freedom. I wouldn't give my kids up to him for anything but it is so annoying.
I guess I need help in how to talk to him. How not to keep bringing up the questions where he will answer and give me a response I dont' want to hear. Last night he phoned to talk to the girls so I let him. And once again I asked him if he was sure he didn't want to see the girls and in the background i could hear laughter..lots of female laughter. I got a little crazy angry. I asked him why he couldn't have been bothered going out with me when we were together...and his response was "I just couldn't". He refuses to give me answers. So now my mind dwells on... maybe I didn't look good enough for him, or he was embarrassed by me or he was biding his time...all kinds of things. I want to get past all this. I need to get past all this. I just need to know how.
The girls tell him every detail of my life through his questions. And when i tell him to stop asking him stuff like that he says that he likes to know what they do. But I dont' want him to know I got a hair cut or where I go. The kids are little, they don't understand but I think he knows what he is doing.
I hate the fact that he is out enjoying and meeting people and I am having a hard time starting over.

Hopefully someone can give me help! I don't want to be bitter....and I do want to move on..not necessarily find someone but go out and meet people. But what if I can't because I hold so much anger? I know it has only been 6 weeks but it feels like forever. Surely some of the anger should have gone. I don't feel like crying...just lots of anger.

Thanks for any help!

Sylver

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Sylver,

For other posters I have bought up parts of your original thread so that they understand the whole situation a little bit better.

My husband of over 11 years left out of the blue earlier this week. He was unhappy for the three weeks before but i just thought it was because of work related stress and it being close to Christmas none of his family is around. But he says that he can't stay with me anymore. No talking, no nothing. When I ask him why he says he doesn't know and that he has to figure things out. And yet when I ask him if this is temporary he says he doesn't know that either.

I dont' work, we agreed we wouldn't until our kids were a little older. Now i have three kids and will have nowhere to live in three weeks.

My friend says that i have to stop calling him... go cold turkey.... but I don't know if i have the strength without him. I dont' know what to do at all.

You have to focus on you now. I hope you have stopped driving by and phoning his mobile... He, was selfish as I said in the last post to leave before Christmas...

I can see why you are angry, now the only stress he has is work, other than that, he now has freedom to come and go as he pleases, whilst you try to work out how to move from your Dad's, and get a job and tend to 3 children.

I wouldn't let him speak to the girls, I would make him "see them" if he wants to speak to them, for the time being...

Pick them up and take them somewhere... That way, you don't feel like he has all the say, power firstly and secondly, it gives you a well earned break, why does he think that he can have it all his way? And, thirdly, they see their Dad.

When he picks them up be dressed nicely and whilst the kids get in his car, you get in yours and go... He doesn't need to know where... Rather, you can do it too, you can go out as well.. Even if you go see a friend...

You have to get some rules and foundations happening.. Unfortunately, this guy isn't going to be out of your life until those little ones are old enough to get in their own cars and see him..

My sister (20 year friendship), has 3 children, divorced now from her ex, he left her as well, said there was no one, but he is now engaged to a co-worker, this happened 2 years ago and this girl was there then.

They can not see eye to eye at all... He trys to instill new rules on the children more so to go against the way she is bringing them up and they cry when they get home.

The rift is bad.

She is Australian as well ( off course ) , and finds it hard to date, hard to find a job and is a single mum to 3. They were also married 11 years.

But, she is reading alot of motivational things, applying for jobs, and enjoying her children and trying to ignore him... She still has alot of anger too.

But, she made ground rules at the inset, and stuck to them...

Don't let him win all the way... That is what is getting your goat so much...

Time to make him re-take some responsibility whilst you are working this all out.

Is he contributing for the kids? I know separation needs to be 12 months before Divorce, settlements, custody arrangements, welfare of the children, but he has to still have responsibilities whether he likes it or not.

I should put you two in touch with each other i reckon.. lol..

There are a couple of things in there of advice that she did, and she is enjoying her life, just a few empty spots to fill and unfortunately the constant battle with the ex which is hard to fix...

But there is light at the end of the tunnel....

Start thinking "single" which is hard I know but all the things you missed out on, you can now do...

Get money from him if he is not giving it, for a place to rent.. "for your children" he can't expect you to live with your Dad.. Whilst he lives in the marital home...

And, make him see the kids not phone them, you can have control for the time being, not much he can do about it is there... No Court orders yet.

Take Care.

CW

[Sylver]

A lot of that does make sense. I don't phone him constantly anymore.. so am doing well that way but I think about doing it! Half the battle won eh?

I don't know if legally I am allowed to not let him talk to the girls on the phone every night. He says he doesn't want lawyers invovled and to some extent I don't either (because it would get ugly for the girls) but I don't know if him not talking to the girls every night will send him nuts. And if he does decide to get a lawyer what if he then gets the girls 50/50. Some people I have talked to says he wont' go that route because he does like his freedom. I know ...I know...these are "what ifs". I really can't stomach the thought of him talking to the girls every night on the phone. It's not like they ask to call him...and when they do I can always call him.

I am getting child support off him... it isn't much but then it pays for the car loan that he is refusing to pay because he doesn't drive it. I am planning to apply for jobs once school starts back which will give me some independent income which we need.
I am also planning a weekend away... but I want to make sure that the girls don't need to see him that weekend. My family originally made me feel guilty for wanting to go by myself but I am going to go anyway because I need to get away and have some fun with a girlfriend. I don't know what to tell my ex. Do I give him the chance to watch them? Or have a friend watch them?
So many questions lol

Thanks, CW...you have always been helpful at getting to the point better than I can right now!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think legally you can do what ever you want to, until the Divorce..

I think he needs to understand that he "can't have his cake and eat it to"..

Suggest to him that the girls will call him to say goodnight, if they wish and ask him to call every second night.. Explain to him that it is difficult for you answering the phone every single night of the week, considering he walked... Ask him to organise something with the girls whereby they call him...

You family should rightly understand you need "me time" how can you possibly clear your head and see things if you are constantly caring for children and have no time to do so? This is what you need to state to them.. They are seeing you "away" from the children whom they expect need you at the moment... However, let him have them for that weekend don't tell him anything just say you need some "me time"...I doubt he will say no.. Unless he is abusive towards them which you have never stated, it's not "giving him a chance", it's making him take some responsibilities for his own children whilst you have some time to yourself.

My ex doesn't want a Lawyer either, why? Cause it costs money lol.. But be careful, because the other reason is that he knows what he would have to give up and that's a lot...

Please seek at least Legal advice ( I intend to) just for the purpose of knowledge so that when he states no superannuation, 60/40 for the assets, piddly child support, you know what you are really entitled to and so you can negotiate something better.

I did walk with nothing and am planning on taking nothing but my ex wants part of my business investment property pftttt I say.. That is not going to happen..

This is all fresh and new and so off course you don't know the ropes, and off course there are lots of ifs..

This is your life now.. You will get work, you will meet new people, you will have a few laughs with friends, you will get through it all.

CW

[happy ending]

go see legal aid, i did. you can have a one off consultation for $5.00. it was so helpful, especially as we were afraid of my ex, i had more rights than i thought and my daughter had a LOT more rights than anyone. i dont know your ex but i hate him already, not very helpful i know. what a jerk, wants all the joys of being free and clear and expects you to jump when he beckons. please see legal aid, they really helped me. i also saw a consellor, which helped my feelings of guilt and wrong doing - that also helped me stand up to my ex. there was also the classic moment when i could say - well my lawyer said - it absolutely stuffed him - PAYBACK!!!!!