After being locked out for 2 nights, she allowed me to come in to walk the dog. We talked for a while.
She is a little more settled down, but always sees things as "me vs them." Like "I feel like I lost because you didn't come see me yesterday (even though her emails were hostile and she broke her cellphone). I wanted to see you so much". I'm not a mind reader, when she says "I don't want to see your face" I tend to take it literally, especially when she's hitting/kicking me out the door.
She explained that in Japan, this kind of outburst (throwing dishes, punching/kicking) is normal for housewives. The husband should come back the next day, and pretend like nothing ever happened. "That's marriage" she says. Obviously, me and most of the rest of the world would disagree, but she probably genuinely believes this. Her parents aren't getting along and live separately most of the time, so perhaps that's what she sees as normal.
She also sees my refusal to tell her porn actress names as on par with her refusing to let me in the apartment and her physical violence. "You don't tell me, so when I don't let you inside it's the same thing." It's like I'm arguing with a child... and I don't know if therapy/counseling will help at all, even with a Japanese American counselor.
Yesterday night at 2 AM she called me and asked me to come home to talk. I went home with my father, because I feared she would become physically violent again and felt a 3rd presence would make her think twice before going ballistic. I was so wrong- she hates my parents (for being nearby, while hers are far away) and how I was "fleeing" to their house like a "coward". I guess it is childish for a 30 year old man to leave an argument and go to his parents house, but I didn't know what to do after the physical violence and object throwing in the apartment. She ended up waking the neighbors and hitting/kicking my father, so we left. The police arrived as we were leaving, and checked to see if anyone was hit. We said no, and they said that if anyone hits anyone in a domestic dispute, that person has to go to jail. I'm not sure if my wife got the point that THIS ISN'T NORMAL, but I spent the night at my parents again.
Right now, I only see a few possibilities-
1. Continue for her to cool down, and try to get her to go to counseling with me in the US. Confront her about her outbursts, and get her to understand how normal adults work out arguments. And possibly move into the city, where she can walk around and socialize instead of being trapped in what she calls a podunk country town with nothing to do, even with a car. (Unfortunately, our lease still runs for 6 months).
2. Convince her to return to Japan for a month or two, talk to her friends and family, and see what happens. Unfortunately, her mother will just passively support her, instead of admonishing her physical violence (since that's probably where it came from). I don't know if she will discuss her marriage problems with her friends. At this point, she keeps fluctuating between "you don't understand me, I want to go back to Japan" and "I miss you, I want to be with you."
3. She stays in the US with no changes, and she kills herself (her own words)
I don't know if I'm being dense by still thinking that I want to make this work, either through counseling or a brief separation, or if it's 99% guaranteed she will keep reverting to her self-destructive behavior. But if the threat of jail won't even make her realize how she's overreacting, then I guess there's no option except to break it off (which would be horrible for the baby).
She is a little more settled down, but always sees things as "me vs them." Like "I feel like I lost because you didn't come see me yesterday (even though her emails were hostile and she broke her cellphone). I wanted to see you so much". I'm not a mind reader, when she says "I don't want to see your face" I tend to take it literally, especially when she's hitting/kicking me out the door.
She explained that in Japan, this kind of outburst (throwing dishes, punching/kicking) is normal for housewives. The husband should come back the next day, and pretend like nothing ever happened. "That's marriage" she says. Obviously, me and most of the rest of the world would disagree, but she probably genuinely believes this. Her parents aren't getting along and live separately most of the time, so perhaps that's what she sees as normal.
She also sees my refusal to tell her porn actress names as on par with her refusing to let me in the apartment and her physical violence. "You don't tell me, so when I don't let you inside it's the same thing." It's like I'm arguing with a child... and I don't know if therapy/counseling will help at all, even with a Japanese American counselor.
Yesterday night at 2 AM she called me and asked me to come home to talk. I went home with my father, because I feared she would become physically violent again and felt a 3rd presence would make her think twice before going ballistic. I was so wrong- she hates my parents (for being nearby, while hers are far away) and how I was "fleeing" to their house like a "coward". I guess it is childish for a 30 year old man to leave an argument and go to his parents house, but I didn't know what to do after the physical violence and object throwing in the apartment. She ended up waking the neighbors and hitting/kicking my father, so we left. The police arrived as we were leaving, and checked to see if anyone was hit. We said no, and they said that if anyone hits anyone in a domestic dispute, that person has to go to jail. I'm not sure if my wife got the point that THIS ISN'T NORMAL, but I spent the night at my parents again.
Right now, I only see a few possibilities-
1. Continue for her to cool down, and try to get her to go to counseling with me in the US. Confront her about her outbursts, and get her to understand how normal adults work out arguments. And possibly move into the city, where she can walk around and socialize instead of being trapped in what she calls a podunk country town with nothing to do, even with a car. (Unfortunately, our lease still runs for 6 months).
2. Convince her to return to Japan for a month or two, talk to her friends and family, and see what happens. Unfortunately, her mother will just passively support her, instead of admonishing her physical violence (since that's probably where it came from). I don't know if she will discuss her marriage problems with her friends. At this point, she keeps fluctuating between "you don't understand me, I want to go back to Japan" and "I miss you, I want to be with you."
3. She stays in the US with no changes, and she kills herself (her own words)
I don't know if I'm being dense by still thinking that I want to make this work, either through counseling or a brief separation, or if it's 99% guaranteed she will keep reverting to her self-destructive behavior. But if the threat of jail won't even make her realize how she's overreacting, then I guess there's no option except to break it off (which would be horrible for the baby).
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