[CHANDLERS WISH]

Incredibly sad story. I think what she needs is a break from here, some socializing back home and she'll be fine. I have had friends in the past who came from other countries and showed similar symptoms of depression. Please do not force her into anything.

Give her lot of love, take her back, stay with her in Japan for few months if you can, and let her socialize, let her invest in herself perhaps in things that make her feel good- like new clothes, new make-up. But most of all, show that you really love her. A woman is usually that insecure if she doesn't feel she's loved. I hope things get better with you and her!

Well based on your thoughts, that means that she has no issues?

A woman that in-secure, doesn't resort to violence does she?

He has shown her all the love and support he can, he has practically given up all hobbies, his life as he knows it, his all... He has bought her a dog to comfort her, I don't believe that he can give her more love than he has.

These issues are way out of control that love can't provide.. He is one person and one person only trying to deal with this abuse.

Surely you don't feel that "love" alone based on what he has done is the answer? He has given his all.

I think there are deep issues there. She is lying for a start over the way that women treat men in Japan, I agree 100% there with Little...

I think that she has issues that need to be addressed, certainly she is in-secure I am not denying that but therefore, she is controlling and abusive which doesn't form a pattern of purely insecurity in my personal opinion.

I agree with the posters, make notations of everything.

I am sorry that you believed that this would all work, but she is manipulative to a core, for what reasons? I don't know, she won't tell you but if she has lied to you about how real Japanese Men are treated in Japan so that she can be what she wants? What else will she lie about?

CW

[sourpuss]

Incredibly sad story. I think what she needs is a break from here, some socializing back home and she'll be fine. I have had friends in the past who came from other countries and showed similar symptoms of depression. Please do not force her into anything.

Give her lot of love, take her back, stay with her in Japan for few months if you can, and let her socialize, let her invest in herself perhaps in things that make her feel good- like new clothes, new make-up. But most of all, show that you really love her. A woman is usually that insecure if she doesn't feel she's loved. I hope things get better with you and her!

I think he's shown her plenty.

She kicked his dad! I'll say it again. She kicked his dad.

Does that sound like someone who needs to be showered with gifts and told she's beautiful and wonderful?! If this was a woman that started this about her husband everyone would be telling her to 'LEAVE IMMEDIATELY', 'it'll only get worse', 'he's dangerous', 'don't let him around the kid when it comes'...etc. And here we are telling him that he needs to treat her better?!

I'm sorry, I disagree.

[elsa_niloo]

this is a shot in the dark but it seems to me that all your problems come from her low self esteem.

I think you need to explain to her that watching porn is not necessarily about the woman, rather it is about the act of sex that stimulates a man. Why do you not get some Asian porn and offer to watch it with her? then you can ask her to fill your fantasy of having sex with you like that Japanese girl did in the porno. If she sees that you are interested in women looking like her, then she might calm down a little bit.
try to compliment some really famous Japanese actresses and say you find them really hot and Japanese women are very cultured and homely and they are exactly what Japanese men need.
she seems like a really good woman but very confused and stressed out to a point that she is taking it out all on you. Seems like you have already tried to much, so try a bit more for your baby's sake.
good luck

[sourpuss]

I don't think she'll ever be ok with him looking at porn, no matter what the girls look like.

[Guest]

Mr.Saturn
I was wondering how often times in a month does she lash out at you? How often does she say "I'm so lucky to have found a wonderful husband" and "I don't know what I would do if you weren't around."

Does she turn into a completely different person? IF she does, she MIGHT have PMDD. At that point, YOU can't do anything about it. From reading your posts, it sounds like she might suffer from anxiety,anger issues, depression, and PMDD. Everyone has insecurities, but moving to a new country and not having that "security blanket" of jobs, friends, hobbies etc... issues that she has been neglecting to treat will come. And they will come to her HARD.

You have been a really good person by sticking by her side.(I commend you for that) If she doesn't want to help herself by going to seek help, then YOU can't help her.

Maybe next time she brings up the porn, just say "I love you, and you love me...so WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" IDK how that will go, but you can try.

good luck buddy!

[WildChild]

Sourpuss has made a very good point, if a woman wrote this about her husband it would be unanimous - get out ASAP! This woman has some real issues, get her to a doctor for a check up, a mental health professional - doesn't matter if she likes it or not, see what they have to say and decide.
The fact that she is pregnant adds an element to the situation but do you really want a child raised by a woman like this? You may have to wait it out until the baby is born, go through the courts and send her home. If she goes back to Japan and the baby is born there good luck getting the child, ever seeing it, or having any voice.

[MrSaturn]

Thank you for the replies. Here's a rundown of what's happened lately-

2 days ago, I went home after work and we talked. She had settled down by then- was still unstable and vulnerable, but not violent. I know her actions seem inexcusable to any third party, but she DID-

Leave everything behind her, including friends and family to be with me in the US.
Live in a foreign country that doesn't speak her language, and where she is immobile due to being in only a moderately large sized town and having no driving license.
Live with a husband that has his parents nearby and who foolishly (IMO, I regret it) went to their house in hopes that they would offer consolation and advice for OUR marriage.

In the end, she felt alone, she felt I was abandoning her for my parents, she felt my parents were being controlling (and my mom IS pretty darn controlling), and her fragile self-esteem was broken by my watching of pornography. I can't claim to understand exactly how sensitive women are about such things, or try to explain that men are just more "visual" or it's just "the act of sex" that's stimulating.

That's one of the reasons she kicked my father- due to my lack of success in communicating with her at the time, I made the miscalculation that she'd be more restrained if speaking with my father (who she previously didn't have a problem with, it was mostly my mother.) But she believed it was "me vs him and his parents" again, and wanted me to come back alone, rather than with the support of my father.

Yesterday we went to the hospital for her first prenatal visit, and she seemed more positive and happy. We spoke with the nurse, who explained everything about the hormone changes and the support groups that are available for pregnant mothers, and we have an appointment to see the psychiatric counselors next week (the hospital doesn't have marriage counseling, but they said her condition may qualify as depression and therefore, psychiatric). She also posted on a Japanese pregnancy bulletin board and received many responses about how difficult it was for other Japanese women to have a baby in a foreign country, isolated and alone apart from the husband.

I'm still in a wait-and-see mode, and I don't know when the next emotional outburst will be. Hopefully she will be able to get help from the counselors by then. If she were to ask why I watched porn, I'm not sure exactly what I can say. I don't even know myself if it's the act of watching sex that's arousing, or watching a specific person- I imagine most men know the names of their "favorite" porn stars and watch them for various reasons, physically and their sex actions. It would be a lie for me to say that I didn't specifically search for certain people- obviously, some pornstars are much more attractive than others... but it doesn't mean I would leave my wife for them or feel any attachment to them beyond arousal. But I get the feeling that this would still upset her. It might be man's nature to get hard when he sees a physically attractive woman, but I imagine it's still a blow to any wife's emotions, regardless of how used to it or strong she is.

[Guest]

That's one of the reasons she kicked my father- due to my lack of success in communicating with her at the time, I made the miscalculation that she'd be more restrained if speaking with my father (who she previously didn't have a problem with, it was mostly my mother.)

ok if your wife can't control her emotions THAT bad, then I believe you SHOULD take her to get help. Taking her anger out on you is one thing, but getting someone else involved ESPECIALLY a parent and physically harming them is totally uncalled for. I mean, if you weren't the same ethnicity she would probably have a record already for domestic abuse. In my opinion, I don't care what race ethnicity or planet you are from; you STILL HAVE TO SHOW RESPECT for another person.

I understand that you love your wife SO much. But, if you love her then you gotta get her help. What if she takes her anger out on the baby?! And you aren't there to protect him/her.

I don't even know myself if it's the act of watching sex that's arousing, or watching a specific person- I imagine most men know the names of their "favorite" porn stars and watch them for various reasons, physically and their sex actions. It would be a lie for me to say that I didn't specifically search for certain people- obviously, some pornstars are much more attractive than others... but it doesn't mean I would leave my wife for them or feel any attachment to them beyond arousal.

PORN is what it is, PORN. Men and women watch it for different reasons. You shouldn't be ashamed of what turns you on, and such. You need to be happy too; because if you aren't then it will show. And it will probably start another fight with her. You need to tell her how you feel. What she is doing to you and your relationship. If she understands and tries to change for you and the baby; then IMO there might still be hope. But if she snaps back at you, then I really think you need to seek help. and SOON!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am pleased that the hospital can give her councelling.

I am very understanding "having been married and tried everything", that you feel that you wish to ensure 100% that you are not happy in this marriage, if that be the case before you walk.

You in my "opinion" are a "soft/gentle" man, say like snow and she is "fire"... totally opposite and as such, one thing won't change, she will continue to be manipulative.

Keep that understanding, because your life unless she changes, will be "walking on egg shells" and giving up all the things you like...

I don't believe that the councellor wil be able to change her in-securities, rather adapting to her new lifestyle.

CW

[MrSaturn]

I think I understand my wife a little better now... on Friday, she became emotional about the porn issue again, so I felt I had nothing to lose and I just told her the name of the pornstar from when this entire porn matter began.

She told me that the reason she became so angry was because I wasn't answering her, and that I was hiding something from her (the names of the pornstars). I suppose that combined with her loneliness in the US, she felt that if I kept a "secret" from her, she wouldn't be able to trust me, and would feel completely alone here.

She's still planning to see some counseling, but I think (hope) that we can finally put this matter to rest. I told her that I didn't look at porn for the naked women, but for the sexual act. Sure, it helps if the woman is attractive, but she felt threatened that I had a "favorite" pornstar and that I cared more for the woman's physical attributes rather than the sex itself.

I suppose many men do have "favorites", otherwise there wouldn't be subscribers to Playboy, which show pictures of women, and no sex. Men find the woman herself attractive, which is why I suppose many women in relationships feel threatened by it.

I have a feeling that our problems aren't over, but we came to an understanding and I learned that she wasn't so upset over the porn itself, but by my silence over the matter. I had thought she would forever think that I preferred pornstars over her, or she would completely lose her self-confidence in her appearance. Perhaps her confidence was hurt, but keeping silent hurt her even more.