[Sweetp74]

Has anyone else felt like they would be more confident/successful/achieve their dreams if they were on their own?

I am a wife and mother of one. I have been married for eight years.

When I met my husband I was in a really good job where I had worked my way up through several promotions, was earning a good wage, was attractive and had a great figure.

My confidence has been lowered since having my child, losing my figure, returning home with my family to my small, hometown where housing is cheaper, and taking up a part-time job at a school office.

As a single person I had dreams of travelling and training for a career that I would enjoy, hoping to be able to get into Social Services/Community work

During my time with my husband, Ive developed interests in several other areas. Okay, so I am the type of person that will pursue things, if they are really important to me. However, My husband just seems to blow off any ideas I have - there is no "yeah, you should go for it, you'd be really good at that", just negativity about how we can't afford it, or making my idea seem silly, or talking me out of it.


The same with social situations - I used to be a very social person - he is not. Usually, if there was something on, that he didn't want to go to, I would just go on my own. Lately, he seems to not only refuse to go to any social events, again stating we can't afford it, but also talk me out of wanting to go as well.


He seems to have a huge chip on his shoulder about alot of things that have happened to him in the past, which makes him a very negative person. The only way for me to remain positive when he gets in his negative frame of mind is to be away from him


Im always talking about travelling overseas, as I don't want to forget all about that dream. Its never been important to him as he is not that interested in travelling. He says its not worth talking about it until we can afford to do it - I like to have something to look forward to.


I manage all the household affairs because, he doesn't like to do it. I have to make sure that the money we get in is managed well, all the bills are paid, or arrangements made if we can't pay, everyone gets fed, our son gets off to daycare, and I get myself to work.

I work really hard, the job is stressful and I don't get much respect or consideration from the Teachers I work with, money gets tight at home and it can get a bit tough from time to time, but I still try to remain postive.


Hard when I have a husband who is quite willing to make sleazy compliments about my body, will be really nice to me as long as he is getting sex from me, otherwise goes cold on me, does not want to understand that I'm exhausted, lacking confidence about my body, and just generally not interested in sex.


In the three years since we became parents, has never complimented me on my parenting, only pointed out what I do wrong, has never said 'hey, you do so well, working, managing things at home and looking after our son" or , "hey won't it be great when we are finally able to go overseas - its going to be awesome"


I have taken up a few hobbies and online courses, he complains because Its time Im spending away from him - yet when Ive hit him up about not being supportive about me trying to make a career change He has told me that I am the type of person who just gives up when things get to hard, so he can't take me seriously when I want to do things.

This is just the shortened version of everything, hard to explain, but I really feel like he is bringing me down and holding me back. I know I am probably allowing this to happen,

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Opposites attrack not always.

You are a positive person, ambitious and out there.

He is not...And,so to keep you he is bringing you down.

Was he not like this before you married?

There are may forms of abuse, emotional abuse, bringing you down, in your job, your efforts your body, all degrading, in order to feel like rubbish and consequently stay where you are, because that way you won't leave.

What does he do for a living or contribute to the household?

You were you before him, now you are falling to be what he is creating... wanting.... it's abuse.

CW

[bprwatson]

Let me preface what i'm going to say with my story. I graduated early from high school with an associates degree already under my belt. I went on to finish my pre reqs to get into nursing school. Ever since i can remember i've wanted to be an RN. I was on track to be the youngest RN graduate in the school (i would have been 20 with a bachelors degree in nursing). I married the hubs when i was barely 19. I got pregnant almost right away and because of complications had to quit my job and never got to go back to school. I am now a 24 yr old stay at home mom of 2. I love my kids and my husband dearly but sometimes i feel cheated, like i missed out on being single and successful. I'm so young and i'm overweight and stuck at home with 2 kids. Most of my friends are still single, in school or working. I will admit that sometimes i resent the fact that i am where i am. I thrive on accomplishment, and while being a mother is great i also want to be successful elsewhere. I've talked about going to school since i had my first. Thats all it was though, talk, while i really did want to go back to school i never took the initiative and did anything about it. Im sure thats why my husband never took me seriously. It wasn't until i got serious and came up with a plan of action that he finally got on board, i'm now back in school and set to graduate in August 2011. So, i know how you feel, that being said i first want to ask,

have you told him EXACTLY how you feel and why?

Men are not mind readers. My husband and i were having many of the same problems. I just expected him to know how i feel, i didn't think i should have to tell him to compliment me etc. Once we actually talked about it though things have gotten better. He still needs a gentle reminder now and then but he is at least trying. Love isn't enough in a marriage, communication is key. If you cant communicate it will never work. If you have not told him everything you have just said here you will grow to resent him, if you haven't already. And dont say "well, i know how he will react so whats the point" he may surprise you.

I feel ya on the financial strain. Its tight for a lot of people right now, we cant afford to go out like we used to anymore, we try to get out every now and then but sometimes its HONESTLY not in budget so we stay home. I've come to terms with it because i know its only temporary. There may be times when you honestly cant afford it, dont resent him accept it and know that times will get better and this to shall pass. Or find something to go out and do together that doesn't cost money. Like going to a friends house and playing games, or if you have one near you go to a dollar movie.

You said you are the type of person that if something is important to you you will got out and do it anyway. So why aren't you? If you really dont like the way you look then do something about it. I've been working really hard at losing weight and even though I've still got 40lbs to lose i already FEEL so much better about myself. There are a lot of free websites out there that will help you track your calories and your exercise (my 2 favorites are sparkpeople and the daily plate). Exercise is such a confidence booster. I feel so much better about myself on days that i workout. You aren't stuck with your body, that fat doesn't belong to you, so instead of complaining about it DO something about it.

It sounds like you let him talk you out of a lot of things, if they are important then dont. Thats probably why he doesn't take you seriously, because you always eventually fold. Like i said before work out a plan before you go to him, then tell him this is what i want to do and this is how i'm going to do it. That way he wont have any excuses to throw at you. When i decided to go back to school i did all the research, visited all the different schools, outlined all my options and then picked the one that would work best for me. I then figured out financially how we were going to pay for it. Lucky for me, my hubby has been nothing but supportive this time.

If you've gotten this far i dont want you to think that i've sided with your husband. I am just a firm believer that you are in charge of your own destiny, you are in charge of how you feel and how you act. If you want something, dont let someone else's negative attitude affect your decision. I wrote a paper on attitude when i was in 7th grade. It was based on a quote that i found that has stuck with me to this day. Come to think of it i should have just quoted it to begin with and saved you all the reading.

"...Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."
- Charles Swindoll

I wish you the best of luck, just because you are married doesn't mean you have to give up your dreams and aspirations. Dont let someone else hold you back. He may follow suit and become supportive and wonderful, he may not. I think that if you change your attitude around him, be positive, happy and optimistic instead of letting him be your excuse that you will see a change in him for the better. There is a marriage counselor on the radio every Wednesday where i live. He always says that the best way to change the way someone acts towards you is to change the way you act towards them. If you want more love and support from someone, show more love and support to them. The golden rule baby! Once again, sorry this turned into a novel, i get passionate about this subject, i was once you. Now i'm excited and happy and look forward to the future.


All the best!

[Joy]

There are many obstacles of life... the fun is finding ways to succeed when all else fails. You sound like a dreamer.. that is good it keeps us going and growing. Your husband sounds like he is in a rut and he must find that spark in life to get him going again. Some ppl take loss differently then others. Others see it as a reason to give up and never try cause it never works anyway.... Others see it as a tool that teaches them how to win. Its all in how ya wanna look at it.

You need to set goals for you... resonalbe and trackable for yourself to see improvement.

To help stop your husband from being negative keep him mindful of his negative chatter that only reinforces his negative mindset. Sometimes we have to give what we want inorder to get it back.... start by giving him some compliments and maybe the habit will rub off on him. If that doesnt work look at him and get him to name atleast 1 thing that you rock at! Fire back 3 to him show him how postive words makes him feel good about himself. Build each other up don't tear each other apart...

You can't blame everything you haven't acheived on your husband... he may be a contributing factor but if you work at what you want each day you will get there.... may not be on the time frame you are hoping but you will get there.

If you can demonstrate the positive transformation in your life... your husband will notice.... he may even follow your lead. If he is resistante to the postive changes then you'll some hard choices to make about your marriage.

[Sweetp74]

Thanks thats all very helpful,

Someone asked what my husband does - he is very talented at joinery, painting plastering etc. He currently works as a painter and together when he feels like it, we are doing up our own home to sell. We hope to make a profit from it so we can have a holiday to start with, as we havent been away for a holiday for about six years.

At one point, after we had our son, I was a stay at home mum and my husband was working up to 16 hours a day, as we were renting a house from his brother who had offered to pay us to do up the place while we were renting it. We needed money for rent and for materials to do up the house, as well as being able to afford to eat. It was pretty tough and while we both put a lot of effort into the renovation of that house, my husband was the one who suffered as he worked non-stop at work and at home. However our son was only two months old when we moved in - when he had his two daytime sleeps, I didn't sleep, I was busy stripping wallpaper, demolishing shelves, painting, anything I could do to try and make less work for my husband. It also meant I had to learn to do a lot of things myself, as he was hardly home, and I became very independent. He now resents the independence as he feels that I don't need him.

When I met him he actually inspired me, as he was the type of person that, if he wanted something, he would just go for it - for example, he worked in a stainless steel factory, but his passion was joinery - he used to have to go to a joinery firm to get sawdust for the stainless factory - he decided just to go ahead and ask the joinery firm for a job - and got one.

Things are quite different now, okay, the town we live in is small and full of narrow minded people. The local council has the rates up so high that managing the mortgage and the rates can be tough. There are not many opportunities here and the town is not a progressive town, if anything is going backward. It can get you down. I try just to remain positive, make the best of things, and look forward to the day when we sell the house and get out of here.

Husband however is constantly whinging about everything. Any time we visit people out of town he needs to make a point of complaining about where we live and talking about all the negative things. He really likes to try and attract pity to himself. He had a tough upbringing with an abusive father which he brings up every time I correct him for raising his voice or being a bit too firm with his children, his ex partner probably suffered the same frustrations as I did, but I have to hear constantly all the things she has done wrong with raising the child they have together. I just tell him to give her a break, as she probably just did the best she could on her own.

Ive told him that he is a bitter, bitter person and he needs to learn to let things go. Don't get me wrong, I have also pointed out the things that he does well - Ive told him how talented he is with the joinery, painting etc. I tell him I enjoy watching him being a Dad with his sons when he has spent a lot of quality time with them, Ive told him he is a good provider and I make postive comments about his appearance. I however, long for the same sort of comments but rarely get anything except "gee you look hot - let's go to the room..."

Believe it or not I would like to get told one day " hey, you've been piling on the beef lately, but thats okay because I really appreciate you as a person and how much effort you put into this family - is there anything I can do to help you?" something along those lines!!!!!

These days, There are quite a few things I would like to get achieved. I have a guitar which has been sitting for FOUR years and I have not yet learned to play it. This guitar was brought for me as a gift from my husband to try and support my desire to learn to play the guitar. He brings up the fact that I have failed at learning to play it all the time - yet he complains that I don't spend enough time with him in the evenings - the evenings are the only time I have free to concentrate on hobbies - that is after I have come home from work, done any chores that need doing, cooked dinner, washed the dishes, got my son organised for bed and prepared the lunches for the next day. All this while hubby sits on the couch, complaining that I don't spend enough time with him (ocasionally he dries the dishes - but only if he is hoping it will mean an early night so we can have some "naughty time" )

As for communication, I have lost count of the amount of times I have asked for some support, some understanding, a positive comment about my parenting - what I got from that was a snarky comment "well, yes, you do put our son first"

I feel like, I my husband has married me to provide him with what he needs out of life - not to be in a partnership of sharing and supporting one another. I feel as though Im not allowed to be my own person and have my own life path in this relationship. He gets upset because he feels I am not making time for him, giving him affection, blah blah blah, however I don't feel I want to give that, as I am not getting what I want from him. I don't want endless sleazy comments saying how great my butt looks in those pants when I know full well it doesn't, I'd like to know from him what he likes about me as a person, what he thinks I do well etc. I KNOW what my positive attributes are, but he makes me feel that I have none.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, self esteem and progression through life but it gets pretty hard when the other person in your life seems to be dragging you down!!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you are both in a rut.

It seems to me that when you were building your new life, renovating your home, him working countless hours, you trying to give as well to reduce some of that, it was a relationship.

Relationships take work and effort. You are "both" in a town you don't like... You are "both" therefore in a place that doesn't make you happy.

He bought you a Guitar 4 years ago but you have never got around to doing what you wanted there, loved... and played it.

This I don't think is at all about him holding you back, your holding yourself back...

I know that most men, if constantly asked to tell a Woman over and over, something nice about themselves, just say pftt, can't win, won't bother... That's in-security on your side in reality and that's normal as women are emotional, men don't see that they need to speak words often...

I think once you both move from there as you are planning to things will get better.

It's easy to see all the negatives about someone and feel it's all their fault when reality is, it's the situation of the current circumstances...

You both need to smile and remember why you got together to start with, he did inspire you, he still can...

CW