[Redrosie]

I don't know where to begin.

My nightmare started when my house was searched by the authorities who told me they had my husband, but would give me no other explanation. The details began to unfold later that day when my husband called to tell me that he was in trouble and how to arrange bail, but still no additional information.

Finally, after almost a full day of worrying and waiting and arranging bail and waiting even more, he came home. He had been arrested for prostitution and in the process has lost his job, his pension and destroyed any future career he had been planning. He has torn apart our family and I don't know what to do.

I am still with him and trying to show my support in what has been a very public spectacle. The press and the subsequent comments have been brutal. People tell me I should have kicked him out or be yelling and screaming at him. I haven't done that yet - I've cried some in private, but for the most part trying to regain some sense of normalcy, if that can ever be.

I'm angry and hurt and don't know where to turn. I feel I need to set a good example for our daughter and don't want to do anything rash, however I do not want her thinking I am a doormat either. Already he is saying I am not supportive of him because I am not trying hard enough to help him find work.

I hate what he has done to us and at the same time it is so hard to see him so broken and pitiful. Yes I know he brought this on himself and there are a lot of issues we need to work through - past and current, but is it worth it?

[sourpuss]

He was prostituting or was caught trying to pay for a prostitute. Both are not good but totally different.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you are being a good human being by standing by your husband with any public embarassment but how dare he have the nerve to tell YOU that you aren't being supportive enough. How dare he.

You have to live with the pain of his infidelity, the betrayal of trust, the loathing you must feel for him for not only having an affair, but one with a prostitute taking the chance of a condom break (if he wore them) or herpies (even if he did wear them) and giving them to you. Sure that can happen with an affair with anyone but sleeping with a prostitute is really increasing those odds a bit.

You have to live with having to be embarassed publically, be judged by other women for staying with him, you didn't get to deal with this very private issue privately but have had to deal with it in a much more humiliating way.

You may have to explain to your children one day, when they are grown and asking questions. They have to deal with possibly getting made fun of by other kids if this was really spread about in your town. Your family may have to change your standard of living if he can't find a job as good as his last etc.

You and your kids have to deal with so much pain now and possibly in the future because he couldn't keep it in his pants and yet he has the audacity to think you are not being supportive enough?

He should thank his lucky stars that you are the woman you are and helped him arrange bail etc.. not every woman would. He should thank his lucky stars that you care enough about him to even attempt to repair the damage he is done. No matter what you decide to do with him. Do NOT let him make you feel like YOU aren't being supportive enough. You are being more supportive than he deserves. And he better get his act right and recognize that, and hold you close and thank you. And make some changes.

[rcoreyus]

If he was prostituting himself, find out why? It could be he really needed the money and couldn't figure any other way to get it. If he was seeing a prostitute, then also find out why.

It is quite rare for the police to make a big deal about someone hiring a prostitute, when they do, there is usually politics involved - often of the ugliest sort.

I'm not saying his behavior should be excused, but find out what was really going on.

[Hopeless Dork]

I gather from her post that her husband held a public job, or at least one visable enough in the community that media would be interested in his arrest etc.

[Redrosie]

Thanks for the support. His position was a public one and while he wasn't an elected official, his position was one of trust and honor. Apparently his fondness for prostitutes hadn't gone unnoticed and he was under investigation and was finally caught in the act.

Of course, he initially said it was a one-time lapse in judgment and he did something stupid, but as the facts came out it was just one more lie. And as our house was searched and computer taken, I'm guessing there is more involved, but he says there is nothing to be found. I don't know if that's the truth or even if I will ever know the whole truth, or am I just going to continue to get his abridged version. Can I even ever trust him again??

Right now my biggest concern is my daughter. She is an impressionable teenager and is fully aware of what is happening. I want to be able to support her in every way possible and let her know that healthy relationships are possible, but how can I do that when mine is so painfully not?

[WildChild]

Interesting. This is one of the many reasons prostitution should be legalized. That won't help.
Your issues are: (1) He was unfaithful - there may not have been emotional involvement but depending on what he was paying for(2) he put your health and his at risk. (3) He is now unemployed and (4) he used money that should have been in your household to pay for this service (or is part of the problem with work related to funds?)(5) He has lied to you repeatedly (6) Your daughter.

Your daughter is old enough to deal with this and can become a stronger person for it. She can understand that her father did something illegal and see the pain and tourmoil it causes. She can also understand that it is possible to hate the behavior but love the person. She can see that a family can transcend problems and it's member stay strong and loving.

Only you can decide if he should stay or go. We have seen some examples in the past few years of women who have stood strong with their husbands when the man has blown it big time publicly. Right or wrong isn't mine to judge but my biggest problem would be the deceit. How do you stay with someone who has been unfaithful and then lied and now is whining because you aren't throwing enough support his way? The first two go hand in hand - one begat the other but complaining that you aren't doing enough seems to indicate that it is All about Him.

Sit him down and tell him that if he expects to have your further support in any arena that he has to come absolutely clean. Tell him that any further revelations of things he has lied about or hidden from you will get him kicked to the curb and hard! You can't make any promises with this other than that you will listen and give consideration to what he says. You don't want to put yourself in the wrong by saying you'll stick no matter what and then learn he was paying for five years olds.

Much as we like to say that what other people think doesn't matter, they can make life tough by doing things like not hiring you. If you stick you just have to be prepared to hold head up and know you are doing what you feel is right. The question you have to have to hold a clear answer to inside yourself is - would he do the same for you?

What do you think would have happened if it was You the police picked up, if your home was searched and the computer seized because of You, if You had called and offered no explainations just instructions on getting bail, if You lied about the extent of what you had done or how often, if You were then complaining that he wasn't helping You enough? SOme men would be there for you.. would this one?

[elsa_niloo]

let me tell you how sorry i am to hear of your situation. you sound like an amazing wife and no one (not even bad people) deserve to go through what you are.

As for your husband i think you need to sit down and make a pros and cons list of your marriage.

I dont know the good things about your husband but from your words it is obvious that you don't have much of a marriage. He lies to you, is guilty of infidelity, bad role model for the daughter and now cannot even support your family. And on top of all that, he refuses to appollogize and blames you for his problems and not finding a job.

I have got my own set of problems but if i were you I would decide before it is too late and you have lost any sort of self-respect. As for your daughter, you are not setting any kind of example for her other than women have to be doormats and maintain a relationship no matter how bad it is.

I was reading a book that said how women unconsciously tend to chose relationships that they have been raised in and tolerate it because they think it is normal.
So if you want your daughter to end up in a similar (if not worst) relationship as yours then stay and pretend everything is normal.

it is not up to me or anyone else to judge you, for I like everyone else have my own problems but you need to judge the situation and see if you are setting a healthy relationship exam for your child.

you have my prayer and best wishes

[sourpuss]

Elsa Niloo and WC said it best.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you need to establish totally from him, the situation, he owes it to you so that you can make your decision.

To raid a home, and computer, because a guy in power is seeking out prostitutes doesn't seem right... There is more, such as he is running a prostitution ring, or that, he is obtaining monies from other sources, other than his job to pay for this, something....

It's one thing to see a prostitute behind your back, which is degrading enough I am sure for you and your daughter, but, another if the Police keep tab on him, keep searching and later, a new scandle begins and well, ends... as he is arrested again.

That, I think you need to protect yourself and your daughter with.

For warned so to speak, and then decide.

As for him blaming you for not supporting him in finding another job? I would say he is stressed to the hilt, worried, and knows there's nothing on "that" computer, but there is something.... He should be apologising 10 fold, daily, and telling you it's ok and that he's sorry for causing you grief.

CW