[hello_pitty]

How do you just call off a wedding thats 4 months away? Rings already bought ON CREDIT? HOW!!!!

I have been wanting to leave this relationship now for a month or so now. My fiance has been unemployed (but on EI) for nearly 5 months causing us to suffer with bills. We pay exactly half so there really isn't an issue with money. He is just so lazy. And recently (Feb. 13th) he admitted to smoking pot after he PROMISED he wouldn't before New Years. I had a terrible Valentines day because his excuse for smoking was because he was trying to write me a song for that day. He could not afford to buy me a gift...but hey i'm not materialistic and stuff like that means not too much to me (but greatly appreciated) Now today I saw a crumpled Shaw (cable) bill in our bedroom trashcan...so I looked. I saw 2 pornos for 9.99 each rented. okay, to get this straight I do not have a problem with him watching porn, as long as i get to join in and KNOW about it. Guess what, he never bothered to tell me. He just said one was for when he was seeing if the VOD (vid on demand) system was working...um he could have called and asked about it and why would he waste 9.99 on a PORN video to "test"? The second one was from when he said I wasn't "giving him any" and he was lonely...uh HELLO I put out every night whenever he wants and I am DEAD tired from work already, only times we dont do anything is when i'm WAY too tired and fall asleep, or if i'm on my period, even then I still give him a BJ to hold him over.

I am just so confused and angry...and to think, we're trying for a baby...OMG everyone knows, one thing leads to another...it starts with porn, then internet chatting or chatlines, then webcams and before you know it he's cheating.

I just can't hold myself together anymore...he's had so many chances and he keeps messing up badly! I try to be understanding and be his partner, but if I can't trust him....how can I marry him?

I Can't type anymore my hands are shaking....ill post more later.

[WildChild]

Watching porn doesn't mean he's going to cheat, not my a long shot. But the long term unemployment and pot smoking are more of a concern, along with laziness. If doesn't have any income why is spending on pay per view - he go buy one for about what he paid to rent those. Why are you trying for a baby if he is unemployed?

Why not put the wedding on hold until things are more stable. I hope you aren't planning anything expensive - whay too many couples put themselves in deep debt for the wedding party and then start off their marriage with serious money issues. FInancial problems are one of the main causes of marital problems. DON'T marry until you are absolutely certain that this is the man you want and the relationship you want, marriage won't make it better, nor will a baby. Calling off a wedding is a heck of a lot easier than getting a divorce.

[rcoreyus]

Its easier to call a marriage off before you have it rather than after. But - get pregnant, and everything changes - then splitting up becomes very difficult.

[sourpuss]

Stop trying to have a baby! If you are this unhappy you should at the very least postpone the wedding. Just tell him that there are some things that you are not so sure about and you need to take the stress of the wedding and baby off so you can think clearly about your future together.

[hello_pitty]

No he has an income. He gets EI (about $400 every two weeks) but it's not enough. He starts work again in april....so far away. Our wedding is NOT going to be expensive...just basic.

If I do end up preggo...I want at least one child....whether or not I am with the father. I know it seems stupid, but I will not become a leech living off welfare to support my child. My mother would help me, besides if I AM preggo now its too late...I do not belive in abortion.

I am more calm now...we talked and NO...porn is not the devil hahaha only when he does not intend to TELL ME ABOUT IT!

More on this in a bit...i have company!

[rcoreyus]

Please don't have a child until your life is settled. Marriage can be changed with a few pieces of paper, a child is for the rest of your life. Children can be great - but having a child is an awesome responsibility, the most important thing you will do in your life.

If you are already pregnant and don't believe in abortion, then you have some serious thinking about what you want to do with your life.

[jss2000]

I totally agree with others' comments. Beyond the impact your child will have on your life, IMO your child deserves a mommy and a daddy who love each other. It doesn't always work out this way, but by a) looking for the right guy who is willing and able to b) take on lifelong commitments to love you and the kids, then... you give your child the best possible chance at a stable home. Single moms can make it work, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be better with a loving dad in the picture.

Besides, (to rephrase earlier coments) you two are still in that stage of the relationship where you're free to leave with minimal trouble. Forget the rings on credit. Forget the fact that it's easier to just go on living together. If you think that marriage to this guy = misery, then everything else is a non-issue. Thank heavens in this day and age we can marry whom we want, and say "hope you have a nice life, just not in mine" to whom we don't.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

hello pitty..

I have been wanting to leave this relationship now for a month or so now.

White picket fence
Baby
White dress
Marriage

That's what all young girls desire and want..

You kind of seem to be more stressed over the financials, like hurry up earn more, your stressing me.

But, is that all that you don't like about him?

And recently (Feb. 13th) he admitted to smoking pot after he PROMISED he wouldn't

Because you caught him out?

The second one was from when he said I wasn't "giving him any" and he was lonely

Counter offering, excuses because he doesn't feel he did anything wrong?

I saw 2 pornos for 9.99 each rented. okay, to get this straight I do not have a problem with him watching porn, as long as i get to join in and KNOW about it. Guess what, he never bothered to tell me.

Does he really have to tell you everything he does? He knows Porn doesn't bother you...

I want at least one child....whether or not I am with the father.

So,he's a sperm donor?

Nothing your saying here, says I sooo love my Fiance, can't wait to get married to him, he's been my rock for so long now, sure we have a few things to iron out, a few things that I am not happy with, etc, etc,

Why then are you getting married, and why are you trying for a baby?

CW

[kms]

As others have said, DON'T DO IT. Call it off, or at least postpone it. Set some ground rules. He gets a good stable job and has been making some money for a while, he gives up pot, and whatever else - and only when those criteria have been achieved, THEN you start making wedding plans. Take some power back in the relationship.

And goodness don't get pregnant in a relationship that isn't stable! It might sound romantic and rosy to have a child with or without the father, but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people on this forum who would know from personal experience that that is not the case! Plus that's not fair to the child. Every child deserves to have a loving father and mother in their lives. If you don't want to be responsible for yourself, at least be responsible for a future child.

[hello_pitty]

CW
See I am young, only barely 24. So I need to leanr I guess, and I am willling to take this constructive critisism.

Brent is my love, my life. But sometimes he can just be a....MAN!! I know I know I complain, but I've never dealt with this stuff before. My mom isn't very helpful as she just suggests to do whatever he says, he's the man etc.

I don't want to come across as this controling woman who demands she knows what he's doing 24/7. It's just that he was being sneaky about it. Had he shown me the bill instead of trying to throw it away I would have questioned him about it and that would have been that.

Just to clear the air, I did not get mad or even "punish" him at all. I just calmly let him know how I felt and he said he was sorry I felt that way, kiss and hug.

See I don't up and yell or freak out at him. We sit down and talk like adults. I let him know I just felt a little strange that a happy man with lots of sex would need to masterbate to a porn to get satisfied. But heres what came out of this talk we had:

He was horny because we would "get in the mood" before I left to work, but I couldn't have a quickie because I was already late for work! So he was left horny and wanted to "finish".....I totally understand and from now on if I see a porn on the bill, i will know why and won't think anything of it...in fact I am going to surprise him with a bunch of DVDs for such occasions (save on $9.99 PER porn)....and one I will make by myself (I set up the tripod while i'm going down on him and get little clips of it ) but of course he can watch it if he chooses.

I know it normal for a man to masterbate and I don't have a problem with it AT ALL. But what I don't understand, is why a man in a monogamus relationship, with plenty of sex (aside from the occasional mishap of me HAVING to go to work) needs PORN to masterbate? (I am sorry for my ignorance, but I am young and this is my first time excperienceing this) maybe a man can answer this? I asked him if he wanted to try doing something different like dressing up or acting...and he seemed interested...so maybe i'll buy some sexy lingerie...hehehe

See I am willing to learn and be open minded...I just find some things strange. The only reason I felt like I wanted to leave is because he wasn't talking to me, he was afraid I would get mad or use it against him later (which I NEVER would ever...I dislike women like that) I am a very understanding person and I can't just guess whats going on or how he feels...we had a talk about that too...I told him the donkey and Ox story and how we need to be a team of ***es and not a mismatched pair ) I told him we need to be a team because, hes my mate, my partner, my best friend and I will be more than happy to just listen to him and not say anything unless he wants me to.

But sometimes I take things a little too heavily and get emotional (i know i know) I felt bad for trying to expose him for that and I apologised later to him because I would have felt really embarassed had it been me renting the porn and he found out....etc

(FTW I am not pregnant and if need be we will go see a counsillor ...but I think i'm getting the hang of all this...if his little drug problem arises, we will seek counselling)

thanks to all who read and replied...it really helped me snap out of it and try understand instead of assuming.