[shan]

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and together for almost 10 years.

We have two children age 3. I am so lost, upset, confused, angry, hurt....you name it.

I have had my suspisions of my husband up to something for about six months.

My husband and I seperated in 2007 for about 8 months. In that time we were both unfaithful, him more than me but I guess thats besides the point.

He convinced me to come back and that we would make it work and that he loved me and I knew I still loved him.

We own a few business together, one in particular where I did all the office work and he worked in the field.

We have been back together for almost a year. We both have our bad days thinking about what the other did while we were apart and its difficult, but managable because we do many more things together as a family with eachother and with our kids.

Well we started going to a counselor about 3 months ago just to work out our issues and make our marriage stronger. About 6 months ago, I found an email that made me start questioning his commitment to our relationship.
But never brought it up because he has a way with words to sooth my mind.

Then this past Sunday I received a text from the girl I had suspected the affair with. My husband was leaving in two days for a work convention. I spoke with her for the next 4 days and she told me more than I could ever have imagined.

Basically the affair has been going on since just before we were married so almost 7 years. I am so emotionally lost.

I love my husband, we just renewed our wedding vows on a vacation only to come home and find out 4 days after we were back that he had contacted her.

Renewing our vows was about putting things that happened in the past in the past and starting over.

I have yet to say anything to him since he is still gone but due back tomorrow I have continued to speak as normal to him as if nothing is wrong, but I;m a wreck I haven't slept, haven't eatten and I'm empty inside.

I feel as though I am married to a man I know nothing about but yet have shared so much with.

The worst part is that he doesn't even seem to show guilt or remorse or anything he just goes on and gives me attention and talks about the future.

I guess he has been doing this since day one, so why would he be any other way. I just don't know what to do, I hate the thought of putting our kids through us seperating again and walking away from our business again and trying to find a job working for someone else when you are used to having your own successful business.

I love my husband but know I don't deserve this, I'm so hurt and confused.

I have moved my stuff to a place but am so scared to leave.

We have so many plans for the future and for our family, but it seems as though only my dreams are real.

And what really sticks a dagger in my heart is that weve been going to counseling and nothing not a word or any of this.

Im just so hurt and feel so alone. Any advise on how to cope would be much appreciated

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, finances are finances... I understand you both have put 7 years into businesses together, combined and that success is in-deed a success.

As such, could it be that he is going to councelling, got back with you, due to finances? On what he will lose if you do Divorce?

And, what is the motive of this lady.. Why did she tell you? Was, it so that you would walk so that she can have him? She thinks.... I can't see it being guilt after 7 years, only frustration that he is still with you... Wonder if she knows about your re-newal of your wedding vows.

You don't say much regarding the conversation and I think you should add a bit there for the posters.

Because seriously? What if she is lying? What if it hasn't been going on for 7 years? What if she has known him that long but it's only been a short time.

Obviously if you both separated 2 years ago and tried other partners, there was something missing.

I don't know if he came back because he loves you or because of $$$$, .......

What do you think there?

I'm finding this hard, that he re-newed his wedding vows and all of a sudden you get a call from " the other woman"?

Why would he do that?

CW

[shan]

Well the OW stated she contacted me because the guilt she could not longer handle. And she said that my husband asked her to make a porn video and she got completely disgusted and now wants him to leave her alone. Their relationship goes back to knowing eachother in high school. I know she is not lying about certain things because things have happened and we both got different stories for him. She also told me that just before Halloween that she gave him candy to give our kids and the next time they were in the back of his truck screwing she saw them still in there. I checked and sure enough they are still there. Then there are his phone records that show the calls between the two. We usually go away fer a few days every month and as soon as we get back the next moring he is calling her. And about renewing our vows she knows a lady that works for me and she was talking about us leaving on vacation and doing the renewal. The OW asked my husband about it and he denied it. This sucks, I'm lost!

[WildChild]

Don't expect this to be easy. he's been lying and getting away with for a long time. Talk to an attorney before you do anything else. Get copies of all financial docs - want to bet he's been playing games there too? You have combined business interests and children to support, make certain you've got the documentation you need. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you will be able to believe anything he says- if he tells you the sky is blue, take it with a grain of salt.

He's a manipulator who wants to eat his cake and have it too. You are the only one who can decide if you can take the leap of faith it will need to try to make this work or if you want out. Are you willing to live with the fact that he may be one of those people who simply cannot be with just one? That he has apparently had just this one on the side all this time, sounds like he could be poly? Do you want to explore that or is it a no deal? You have to decide, chances are he'll do it again. What are you willing to live with?

[2morrow]

Wow my heart goes out to you. You have a very difficult decision to make. Obviously he is having an affair that is not only physical ( which are easier to end) but a very emotional one ( which are very difficult to end ). I think its up to your husband to decide first what he wants to do. You have to tell him you know everything.
Its very difficult to split, after all the financial investments you have made. With children, the life you have created together, the time invested. Its a shame. I wish you the best.

[Gal]

It is really hard time but you have to decide. You can not take every that your husband gives you, its very clear that he came back to you for your joint finanace.When you guys were away he would have realised his failure to make up to that finance and reasons he came back to you. Its no love.He will treat you the way you will treat yourself. He is answerable to both you and your kid, so just dont let him go like that. Tell that woman to prove it and get their pics together suit him.Make sure that he dont get anything in your finances basis infidelity. Speak his language.

[Iseulda]

He's a manipulator who wants to eat his cake and have it too. You are the only one who can decide if you can take the leap of faith it will need to try to make this work or if you want out. Are you willing to live with the fact that he may be one of those people who simply cannot be with just one? That he has apparently had just this one on the side all this time, sounds like he could be poly? Do you want to explore that or is it a no deal? You have to decide, chances are he'll do it again. What are you willing to live with?

I have to agree with WildChild here - my husband lied to me about several things (not affairs though) throughout our 9 years married (nearly 12 years as a couple) and there is just no trusting or believing anything he says. I don't know how your husband is, but my ex is the kind who will believe what he is saying as he is saying it, and even if he turns around and does the opposite an hour later he can't see the inconsistency in himself. With mine I believe he has a personality disorder - I really don't have any evidence to say the same about yours, of course.

You deserve to be happy and you have tried - maybe you can keep trying - but you need to know he's meeting you half way. The man has a lot to prove to you. You need to be aware of that and not to fold because he tells you something you want to hear... you said yourself he's good at that.

Be strong - be true to yourself - listen to your instincts, they can probably advise you far better than any of us can.

[VSmurf]

Wel......

All men can go the the crapper!!!!! I can't even believe I am with a man
You can't trust anything that comes out of their mouths! Lies...lies...lies! They are so selfish.....it's insane! My dad cheated on my mom...my brother cheated on his wife....my boyfriend lied and cheated on me!! I can't stand it when a man even looks at me because you know they are married or have a girlfriend and then they are in front of me flirting....pigs!! All they care about is themselves and they don't care who they hurt. Pigs!!!

Yeah...I think I need help!! For me they are only around for two reasons....money and pleasure (and sometimes not even that)!!!

[WildChild]

My goodness VSmurf! I hope you feel better now. For every man that cheats there is woman doing it with him. You'll find plenty of posts on this women's forum from men trying to understand and cope with women who hurt them. Neither gender is free of it. You probably need to take a break from relationships and just get happy with yourself and heal. We tend to find people who meet our expectations, you need to change yours! Take care of yourself, be good to yourself and see how you feel later?

[VSmurf]

yeah...

well...the woman that they are cheating with are usually single and the guys are promising that they will leave their wifes but never do!! It's MEN!!!!! I know there are some woman but I would say 75% are men. I may need some help here!! Are there any good trustworthy men out there??!!!!!