[geogeo]

Hello well it feels so long since I wrote on here. I have now had a sale agreed on my house and have had an offer excepted on a new house.

I sold my car and bought a cheaper car. I am lucky to have sold my house in this market.

As for me well I wont lie to you and say that my life is so much better since he decided to walk away from our wedding and our life together.

I guess I am going through the motions to start a new life and as I said to another member on this site it is like a protective healing reaction.

I dont want to hurt all the time anymore and seeing him with another women would kill me inside.

I suppose you could say Im running away but if thats what I have to do to heal I have to forgive myself for not doing what friends say.....such as hold your head up high and make him see what he is missing.

I cant walk the walk and I just cant talk the talk because I know my eyes will speak a thousand words if I see him again.

I have not seen him since the split to talk to and as each day goes past I try to remember that if a person can just cut themselves off from your life after building so many memories then you have to kick yourself and get out the place of remembering the love the closeness etc etc it only holds back the healing believing they have to feel the same.

Truth is they just dont or they would not have walked away in the first place. I have made a few of lifes errors to try and recapture the feeling of being cared for....Including sleeping with a man that really I knew was completely wrong for me...

I think deep down thats why I wanted to have a fling with him because I knew I could not be hurt.

Well can I just say the reality of it is I felt and it just made me feel even worse because I was frustrated I could not feel the same as it did with my ex.

This guy did not have feelings for me and that again hurt even though I did not have feeling for him either.

I guess its because we want to feel someone cares again and no matter what we convince ourselves it alway hurts it alway does....Emotions are a funny thing ....this is really revealing alot but if it helps I dont mind.

I knew this guy a bit when I was with my ex....He was my neighbours best friend. when he asked me to go bowling I was really happy.

I felt wanted again. We went and had a really fun time. then we planned to see each other on a sunday but he was hard work and is really messed up with his job....policeman.!

He ended up saying he could not meet up and then I was gutted ....Dont know why because I did not fancy him at all and knew he wasnt for me.

Well we fell out and then we were mates again and I said I will pop round....always me trying to make something happen...I went round and you can imagine the rest.....Stupid i was...I slept with him and having never had a one night stand before I have had to try to understand why I have done this.

I was trying to hold him when we were in bed and for a split second I found myself smiling and then bang I came back to earth with a big crash.

He was as cold as ice and what I was trying to do was wrong. Trying to find comfort for a few minuits...my god what was I thinking? did I feel this little of myself that I was happy to recieve a warm feeling through sex because i might be held afterwards?

Thats when I got up at 3 in the morning ...got dressed and walked out ....It doesnt work it just makes it harder to comes to terms with the mess they have left behind...Also its when you really realise the damage they have done to you both mentally and emotionally.

I know this is for me to have to face now and that it has to be me that has to start understanding where I am in my own heart and mind.

Its easy to try and shut it out but its there under the surface.


I bought a lovely book the other day and I will quote what it says....

When I loved myself enough........
I started feeling all my feelings, not analysing them-really feeling them
I quit ignoring or tolerating my pain....
I came to see emotional pain is a signal I am operating outside truth.
my heart became so tender it could welcome joy and sorrow equally.
I quit wishing my life looked some other way and began to see that it is, my life..... each day lost in tears cannot be brought back

I began to except the unacceptable

This is the bit that has touched me in the book:
I began leaving whatever was'nt healthy...This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits-anything that kept me small
my judgement called it disloyal.
Now I see it as self-loving
When i loved myself enough I realised I am never alone.....
I learned to grieve for the hurts in life when they happen instead of making my heart heavy from lugging them around.
I quit rehashing the past and worrying about the future which keeps me in the present where aliveness lives.

Well goodnight and I hope these words inspired you as much as they did me.....Its not wrong to feel pain it is the bit about us that is special and helps us deal with the here and now....People that dont do this will alway hurt inside as they never face there fears...We are not wrong to cry and ask for help.....XXXXXX

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When i loved myself enough I realised I am never alone.....

So true... and in that, you realise different things..

You understand, lost souls.

You see things in different perspectives.

You accept that you are beautiful inside and out and that the other person means no harm, just lost, seeking and finding.

You accept that people are people, they make mistakes but it's their mistake not yours and so you can breathe in that knowing and keep going with your life.

And, you realise that life is what you make of it and so you wake up smiling at the sight of the sun.

As, for the Policeman... You did exactly what you needed to do at that time and from doing so, realised that it's okay to make your own decisions and learnt that you are comfortable doing so, but prefer the person to want to be warm, before, during and after, as they have a form of emotions towards you.

There is an air about a woman who loves herself, sees her inner self, that is confidence and it gleams out for all to see.... Whilst you as a person also see all, and how people act, feel and react and you just know.

Work towards finishing that book and go onto other books simular once, you have learnt to love yourself, you will never look back and you will always be free, as there is such an understanding about everything, very hard to explain.

CW

[2morrow]

Geogeo you sound like a wonderful person. I wish you all the best in your life, you deserve nothing less.