[cocolicious]

I am new here and I need to get some problems off my chest as I cannot talk to anyone I know .
I was married for 26 years to a man that wasnt the ideal to say the least, he cheated on me, was addicted to porn, could not hold a job etc, verbally abusive to me and the kids, long story, it was bad. YEs I have issues. So after 2 kids and long years I decided I couldnt take it anymore.So that was a little over 2 yrs ago. I just did not love this man anymore and I didnt care if I ever met anyone again I just wanted to get my head straight.
So in the meantime while I was contemplating my new life I had met a widower through work and when I decided to leave my husband I started to talk to him. He was very sympathetic and a good listener. He wanted to date me, even though I was still married. I still thought of him as my client, but he kept insisting. So I went out with him and we hit it off, he was so good to me. After what I had for years he was like a saint. Very attentive, loving, generous etc. All the things I never really had. We fell in love hard. He started to pressure me to marry him even though I wasnt even divorced. IT made it really hard with my Ex trying to keep his control on me and all the kids involved, I have 2, 20 and 22 and he has 2 ,15 and 16. It was a whirlwind of emotions. Everyone said "Its a rebound for you both" . Well we got married last year, just a couple of months after the divorce... and then moved in. Well that is when things got tough. I didnt realize how much he drank. Always gets mean and started yelling alot for nonsense. I have never known a problem drinker but I think he is one. Remember I was isolated for 26 yrs with the same man, I do not like the yelling and he would go on and on for hours in the wee hours of the morning saying the same thing over and over .. I would not talk to him for days and he would profusely apologize. Well we have had several "Episodes" this year and I am getting very depressed and unable to understand what is happening to me. I love him but I am starting to regret this whole mess. I had a mess and I didnt think I would be in another mess. I think maybe it is me and not the men in my life.
Or its how I pickem. But they seem to pick me.LOL.
All this and not to mention the issues with the kids. Our kids are like night and day. Mine are outgoing etc and his are immature and isolated.
Last night my duaghter came over with my granddaughter who is 2.5 yrs old. My husband has an old dog that just is not nice to people especially children. Well the dog has biten my grandaughter more than once and the dog attacked again last nite, luckly just a scrape on her face, but later that nite my husband says that if my fat a++ daugther would keep an eye on her kid the dog wouldnt bite. I said well the dog can go outside for a couple of hours while they are visiting. And he kept insulting my daughter and he parenting skills. I feel this is wrong. What do you think? He called to apologze to me this morning but I am feeling like I married another verbal abuser. I would really appreciate any feedback from you all.

Carol

[withered_rose]

Hi carol, welcome to the forum by the way hopefully you will find the support that you are looking for.
As for the situation at hand, its certainly not you that is the problem, its could be though that you did rush into things. There are so many decisions that go into marriage and it seems like you may have made a rash decision, it happens. Now as far as your husband being a verbal abuser seems very likely, it seems as though he has no respect for your daughter or grand daughter, and as for the dog biting the child that is not right, not in the least. your husband should have agreed with you that the dog should be going outside for a few hours while they visit. I think that he should consider AA as well at that point. That's just my opinion. Alcoholism is a big deal and especially if he is abusive, if not physically but verbally.

[kms]

Oh boy. I can't imagine all the emotions you're feeling right now... I'm sorry to hear about your situation to say the least. Yes I'd say you definitely rushed it - you needed time to recover from your very long relationship with your ex - research shows that women typically need a year to a year and a half to start feeling better and ready to move on (if you want to know more about that I can dig out the articles I read for my human development class ).

It's very, very tempting to fall for a guy when / just after you're in a terrible relationship. Any guy is better than what you've been used to for so long. Of course he'll be understanding and patiently listen to you - otherwise he wouldn't get what he wants from you.

I didn't have exactly the same situation as you, but I was in a bad relationship and somehow ended up confiding a little bit of that with another guy. I didn't know him that well (and he could barely speak English, lol), but he listened. And he was so kind. He made me food so many times because he was worried about me not eating from the stress. He did a lot for me and guess what, I fell for it. He started pushing me for sex fairly quickly (even before I was fully out of the other relationship). I didn't give in for quite a while, but I did finally because I felt like he'd done so much for me so I owed him. Horrible logic but I was so very lost then. It was clear what he was really after even though he was still pretty nice to me. He told me flat out that he could never be with me seriously because his family back home wouldn't even let him marry outside of his city (he's from a very conservative country). I finally came to my senses enough to leave him before too much time had passed, but I actually felt guilty about leaving him for a few months until my mind started clearing and I was able to think logically and rationally about the whole thing.

SO - yes, there is much truth to the idea that it's good to take a year to be on your own after getting out of a long, difficult marriage/relationship. You need time to sort through all the emotions, to figure out who you are again as an individual, to get over your ex, and to finally start moving on to a healthier, better life and frame of mind.

[WildChild]

Out of the frying pan and into the fire?
I like dogs but a dog with that kind of temperment is too dangerous to have around. You are going to end up with a lawsuit and what about your grandchild!!!??? Bitten more than once and the animal is still around?! If it were me, my grandchild, the dog would be gone. Dogs generally (not always) reflect the temperment of their people. Sounds like your husband snaps and bites too.

WRose has put it well, you moved too quickly. Yes, he chose you and really pushed it, didn't he? That's usually a warning sign. Unfortunately, we aren't always wiser just because we are older - that takes experience. You aren't the only one who's blown it the 2nd time around. Only you can decide if you want to stay in this. But consider it is likely to get worse before (if ever) it gets better. Do go to AA they have programs for the families of alcoholics, take his kids too if you can.

Yes it sounds like he is a problem drinker and a verbal abuser. You haven't been with him that long, do you really want to travel this road and see how far it goes? Do you really love him? Or so you love the idea of being married? Or are you just really reluctant to say you made a mistake?

Coming out of years abuse your ability to determine what is and isn't appropriate is skewed. So are your instincts for self preservation, if they weren't you'd have probably kicked him to the curb the first 6 months. You don't have children with this man, the only thing really holding you there is you. You have some serious thinking to do. I've blown it more than once myself and have tollerated treatment a lot of women would never put up with too. We have to take extra care of ourselves and learn to love and value ourselves. I've also come to the conclusion that just as someone with neuropathy or leporsy has to learn to VSE (visual self examination) for bodily harm they can't feel, when you have been emtionally damaged you have to learn to do a sort of emotional self examine regularly to make sure you aren't tollerating, intollerable treatment.

Ask yourself, is your life better with this man than it would be without him? A simple question. Should tell you what you need to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Dogs attacking children get put down, does he realise this?

You take on a spouse, you take on the whole cabudle cadise, kids, grandkids, all.

Yes, you moved to fast, because had you taken time you would have seen the way he associated with your children and your thoughts pertaining to his.

However, drinking can do two things, merry and mellow or abusive and dangerously angry, unfortunately he appears the later.

But, when your daughter and grand-daughter came over and he made that statement to you regarding your daughter controlling her child, had he been drinking?

When he next apologises, tell him.. "I will not be abused, or spoken down to nor my children, you either stop drinking and seek help in this regard, or lose me, take your pick"... Hit him between the eyes.

If he was great for quite some time before marriage, you weren't seeing this side as he was home alone, drinking after communicating. But, there is a chance that you can save it and revert it to how it was, it sounds more like alcohol and a serious problem at that.

If however, he is abusive without alcohol, as WC said, forget that you entered into something to quick and made a wrong judgement call... Think of you only and your happiness, after all that's why you walked the first time.

To be HAPPY.

CW

[elsa_niloo]

huh, i would say you are the last person that should be blamed. sometimes destiny just loves to play around with us.
Ofcourse from my point of view which is based on your few explanations it is so easy to tell you to leave him and go find happiness on your own but i have no idea how that might impact your emotions, finances and ofcourse children's emotions.
However, if you really think that you are unhappy and you will have 26 MORE years of abuse say screw it to it all and this time marry yourself.

I think you have not had enough time to know yourself and being alone is something you really need in order to find yourself. If you can take a vacation by yourself to be alone and figure out the best decision to make.
good luck

[WildChild]

Self marriage is a wonderful ceremony! Absolutely you need this!

[cocolicious]

thanks

Hey thanks for the advice and honest evaluation

We have been talking today and he does say that the dog should be let out when the granddaughter is around. But we talked about our kids and how it is affecting our relationship. HE seems to want to work on this marraige and so do I. When it is good it is good. He can be very loving. I am going to try to work on me with or without him. It is his choice. I have got a therapist starting next week.

Oh another thing, he is a widower I told you, well his wife was cremated and is still in an urn in my closet. I at first thought it to be very creepy, since got used to it until the day he sees fit to take her HOME. We made a trip but he FORGOT her LOL. What do you all think of that. I have gone over and over with him about it and how I feel and but now just like the porn in my first marraige, I just got used to my boundries being crossed and just get resentful. He says well what do you want me to do thorw her in the trash!

Oh another day in paradise!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's a very sensitive subject, very.

In your closet though, like where you hang "your" clothes? ahhh.... I'd have nightmares and I'm quite spiritual.

Whilst she is in your home, (sounds weird hey), she needs to be somewhere that is not relating to marriage, ie) not your bedroom or kitchen (where she can't see and interfere) haha.

Seriously, she needs to be put into a spare room which you don't have I'm betting, so even if it's the dining room in a cabinet, somewhere that isn't really relating so much to marital life. Defnately not the bedroom.

When he is ready, he will feel okay with closure and either bury the ashes or through them across somewhere where she loved, when he is ready.. Don't push him on this, he needs his own closure in his time, he has moved on, he's with you but closure is a different thing.

CW

[WildChild]

Good advice CW. He can't really move forward until he has taken care of the past. I have a relative who keeps her husband's ashes in the bedroom. She complains of not having a man in her life and we tell her, she has to get the first one out of the bedroom before she can have a new one (He does interfer - things move around in the house and pictures in frames get switched)

Working on you is always a good idea. Keep talking and you need to request that he stick to tea - no more booze.