[elsa_niloo]

I am sorry to hear of your pain. I don't understand why your husband had to hide his friendship with this woman if it was innocent and why is he sorry all of a sudden when he should have been sorry about hiding her messages from you, lying to you about where he is and getting drunk and having sex with her, no difference whether it was in the car or house or on the moon.
Bottom line is this woman does not seem like she will get her hooks out of your husband and even if she has a miscarriage she is still going to play the sympathy card and pull your husband back in, and of course her memory or worst the memory of your husbands infidelity is never going to leave you alone.
I don't know what kind of person you are but being a woman i can imagine that you will never be able to trust him like before.
Every time he is late or tells you he has to work longer, even if he is telling the truth you will be full of mistrust and go quiet nuts.

the way i see this situation is this man is not worth you. He may be sweet and nice and giving but a man who commits infidelity will do it again. The first time he will cry and beg for forgiveness but then he'll think i got away with it once, why not again? i am sorry to have to tell you this, but it is very common.

like everyone else, my marriage is not problem free but infidelity is something, i don't believe anyone should ever tolerate. I say you save yourself from those awful two and stops them from hurting you more ( it does not seem like it will be over).
you seem like a sweet and wonderful person, if you weren't you would be breaking the lamp on his head for doing this to you, so honey i suggest you go and find a man out there who loves and respects you.

my good wishes will be with you

[bprwatson]

Red flags!

Here's a question. If he cheated back in January, and IF he is as sorry as he says he is, why didn't he tell you about it when it happened back in January Instead of one or two months later? Would he have ever told you if she hadn't gotten pregnant? Sadly i know several people who have been cheated on. In my observation the ones who are truly sorry usually tell their spouse right away. The ones who aren't only tell when they get caught or never at all. So, is he really sorry, or just sorry he got caught? If he's just sorry he got caught you can bet he will cheat again.

It seems to me he never planned to tell you but when she ended up pregnant he had no choice.

The previous poster brings up a good point in that he was also hiding his communication with her....How did she get his number in the first place? How did this all start?

These just seem like a lot of red flags to me.

I wish you the best, i cant imagine what you are going through, you are a stronger person than me for wanting to work through it.

[Artiste]

Believe me, after reading everyone's posts and doing my own soul-searching, I'm still on the fence about what I want. I see all the red flags as well. I've questioned him about them. It seems the more I learn, the more things don't make sense. I've heard some very interesting news lately about the other woman. Seems she's done this before with two other taken men (one married, the other living with his girlfriend). Turns out her own husband divorced her because she was sleeping around (she tries to play the pity card by saying he was abusive and she had to get out). Now she tries to land other people's men by trapping them. It's also rumored that she's seeing someone else (a Hispanic gentleman) at the moment- and that he's probably the father of the baby, but that she's hurting financially, so she's pinning it on my husband because he makes more money. It'll be kind of hard to hide that one at the end, seeing that my husband is not Hispanic, nor is she.... I feel like I've walked onto an episode of the Jerry Springer show. I just want this to be done and over with!!! I want her out of my life and to move on!!

[WildChild]

You've got some tough choices to make. The paternity issue won't be settled until the child is born and tested. That's irrelevant at this point in time. Her history and behavior dosesn't change your's husband's behavior.

You still have to decide if you can move past this and repair your relationship regardless of the child's paternity. What you've said so far seems to indicate that you could continue the relationship if you don't have the reminder of a child in your lives. IT's going to be a while before you know that. What will you do in the meantime?

[Mamaofthree]

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you but unfortunately it does now you ask your self is the good worth the bad because no matter the situation is he worth stayin around for the bad and you get thru it together or is the pain to much to bare ........Honestly i would think you need to leave because if they have an emotional relationship and having a baby together which just makes their "relationship" stronger...and your just gonna keep getting hurt and will see more bad than good. That baby is here for a reason and wasnt sent for nothing maybe its time you move on to a better relationship

[lime_lemur]

Her response is that she's afraid if she doesn't have the baby, she'll "lose him." His response was that "you never had me."

I feel a lot of pain for you as I read about all of this, but I AM glad that he's pushing her away. I'm glad that he is concerned for the life of the potential baby as well as your health, and I'm glad that he has been devestated by this and that it really opened up his eyes. It sounds like you are being very kind to him, judging by the way you talk about him, there is a lot of forgiveness and love in your words. How does she know that he will remain in her life for the sake of the baby? (what an utterly foolish reason to take on the huge responsibility of having a child. It makes me fear that she uses her children for the sake of her own benefit.)

I wish I could give you advice because this is such a devestating situation. Please hang on and be strong and do what's best for you.

[Karma3]

I agree with bprwatson. It sounds like he's sorry that he got "caught". This women is obviously a whack job, and your husband got involved with this women? I guess this is a real big wake up call for him. Had this Pregnancy not have happened, you know that he would still be banging her behind your back. You know that right??

Just when you thought you knew someone, and then bammo...who would have thought. This guy cannot be trusted. This is never going to be a good situation for you. Either this will end up being his child, and you will have to deal with this situation for the rest of your living life if you stay with him OR if it doesn't turn out to be his, he will be relieved, years will pass and he'll forget about the scare and who knows......maybe start at this behaviour again?? You will never ever know what to expect from him in the future. You certainly didn't expect this did you?

[sophie26]

Husband cheated & had a child with her- still coping

I know how you feel, I found out my husband cheated on me in 2007. His child with that woman was born in 2006. So one night, we're about to go to sleep and he just blurts out, "I have to tell you something, I have a daughter ....."...... Yeah, like that. Mind you, we've been married since 1996, have 4 children, I thought we were pretty happy. I didn't talk to him for a couple of days, even though everytime he got close to me, he begged my forgiveness. It took a while to just let it go, months, actually. In fact, it really stands out as the worst thing thats ever happened to me and my family, I still have to deal with it. I ended up forgiving him, and I actually went with him to pick up his daughter, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Look into the eyes of a 2 year old and know that none of this was her fault, I couldn't hate her, she has half the genes as my daughters. My choice was staying with him and accepting his daughter, also realizing that at any time we can all fall like he did. (I did not mention that I got intoxicated one night (not drunk, just brave), drove to the OW's house and let her know that if she ever so much as thought she would get into my husband's pants again, her family would be fishing her out of a lake....he he, true story). My husband and I are actually closer than we were before, I cannot say that everyone should just forgive their husband and go on with life but it worked for me, hope that helps someone...

[Artiste]

Update

Well, here we are a year later. Don't know how to make a long story short, but I'll try:

My entire relationship/marriage as I knew it was a sham. I went through a living for the last year. The other woman is a psychotic who stalked me, my husband, showed up at our places of employment, our home, destroyed our property, you name it- who is bent on trapping my husband by being pregnant and having his baby.

I have no idea what reality is anymore. Everytime I thought things were figured out, I would have my world turned upside down again. I went from my husband moving out in March last year, to filing for divorce in May, to stopping the divorce process, to him moving back in, back out, all the while him going back and forth saying he loves me more than anything- that he was ashamed and sorry and confused, etc, etc, etc. The OW, was supposedly pregnant 3 times during this timeframe (according to her) resulting in 3 miscarriages over 9 months, unbeknownst to me at the time.

When I finally said I'd had enough, my husband flew home to retrieve the family heirloom ring I'd given back to him- and re-proposed to me on New Years. He moved back in and we vowed to start over and go to counseling. He promised never to talk to the OW again.

3 weeks later, I find a hidden email account (seriously, after all of that, I didn't trust him- he knew that. We agreed to share all acounts so we wouldn't be "hiding" anything). He had 645 messages/pictures in his inbox. Yes, that's correct. Six HUNDRED forty five. It took me six hours to look at all of them, but I did it. I had to know the truth- and this is it:

My husband is a sex addict. He's been lying from the get-go. He's not only been having an affair for the last 2 years, but he's slept with, and taken pictures of the acts to prove it, at least 5 other women, during that time. All unprotected. Lucky me, huh? He's been responding to sex sites, craigslist ads, you get the picture. His entire web history is porn. (Who knows what was happening before that email? That's just the last 2 years).

As I said, we're in therapy- this is being addressed. Our therapist specializes in sex addiction. It's a long road and it's a LOT of work. My husband is a totally BROKEN man now. I'm in additional therapy for myself. Needless to say, I have some feelings to deal with. I'm losing it. We're in the middle of building a new house (started when he moved back in- part of us "starting fresh"). It's supposed to be done in June. Guess what I found out this weekend? The woman he doesn't talk to anymore? Yeah right... she's 5 months pregnant now. Her (or according to her, THEIR) baby is also due in June. Lovely. The hits just keep on coming.

I know that this is an addiction and that he wants help, but I can't help but to want to cut all my ties and get the out of this. Yes, I love him, and I know that his problem isn't about me, but... good God, that's so much to take on!! I don't know if I can do it!! As if I haven't already experienced enough devastation the last year. . .

[LanaBear]

Oh my word honey. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach after reading this thread. You are a far stronger and forgiving woman than I could ever wish to be.

I honestly cannot say that I blame you for wanting to just throw in the towel on this relationship. At some point, you deserve a normal life with a trustful husband.

I wish I had more to say, but I'm kind of at a loss for words right now.