[Snowgrrl83]

Yesterday, I met the man of my dreams. We have the same interests, we met snowboarding and we're both ex-snowboard competitors. He's a bit older, I'm 25, he's 31. We snowboarded all day together and I told him that I had a boyfriend and he obviously saw the engagement ring. This man is pretty much all I ever wanted in a man - educated, good career, outdoorsy and smart (did I mention he owns a hourse, a nice truck and a wakeboard boat). He's an engineer and he's in great shape. He is single... so I asked him how come he was single, what's the catch?!

The day ended with a beer on the patio where some of his friends met up with us....and proceeded to a hottub. Yes, this could have been a real recipe for disaster, but I resisted all temptations. By the end of the day, when he was driving me to my ski condo he expressed his interest in me.

I can't get him out of my mind, its really silly. I'm actually thinking of leaving a man that I love for some guy that I hung out with for a day. My fiance is great, he's educated, smart (he's almost TOO intellectual for me), has a great career but he is not so outdoorsy. I truely do love my fiance but I dont know what to do. I can see me and my fiance living together and being happy for the rest of my life...but for some reason, I think i'd be HAPPIER with this new friend of mine.

I'm in a real dilemma. Am I just crazy? I'm probably going to run into this "man of my dreams" again. Am I out of my mind? This is the first time that a guy even enters my "radar" since I've started dating my fiance 2 years ago. Help! What should I do?

[Hopeless Dork]

If you are in love with your fiance and think he's the one for your, avoid dream guy at all cost. Really. Put yourself in your fiance's shoes - happy about to be married in love, and just when you are about to pull the trigger and spend the rest of your life with this man BOOM he meets the girl of his dreams: she's prettier, talented shares a lot of hobbies and in one day with her she manages to make him re-consider all of his commitment to you.

Ouch. Just don't do it.. unless of course you do not want to marry your fiance in the first place and in that case this may just be an indicator that you aren't ready at all, and if that is true you need to just let him know that - so that hes free to keep his eyes open for his dream girl too. Although it seems like he already has spotted her - since he proposed to you.

Not trying to make you feel bad, just step back and realize that your fiance has invested so much hope and time and love with you - this dream guy could be just that - a dream. Making an impression, coming off perfect - he could be a cheater, a liar , a game player, someone who screams and yells if a guy talks to you. You just don't know, you've known him a day.

[Snowgrrl83]

snap me back into reality.

Hopeless dork: Thank you for giving me the "slap in the face" and waking me up.

I agree, the last thing I should do is pursue this "dream guy". Although this situation has put a whole lot of questions into my mind.

I would definitly be happy marrying the man I'm engaged to...but am I doing the right thing... could I be happier with someone else? You see, he proposed to me quite early into our relationship - 8 months after we had started going out. When he asked me...I said yes, but it did take me about 2 or 3m inutes to say yes. That was doubt rolling in my mind.

Now, the reason why I would say it took me so long to say yes is because he's a great guy, but we don't have that much in common except that we want a house and a family. We don't have any interests alike - he hates the outdoors, loves politics, ...........and well, I'm the opposite. I think I just said yes because I didn't want to break his heart and say no...which, in my mind would have broken the entire relationship. I have trouble finding activities that we both enjoy doing - other than watching movies.

Another thing that really bugs me is...... my sex life... just not satisfied. I think we only have sex 3 to 5 times per month. He works shifts so we're not always on the same schedule. He refuses to have sex during my period (even at the very end)....and he's definitly not willing to try new things in bed...so I guess missionary it is...I guess he's very traditional. Also, I can't seem to make him ejaculate, he has to do that with his hand...

I said yes...and I planned the wedding 2 years later - which he wanted to get married earlier, but...... I somehow managed to push it back.

Am I settling for 2nd best?! We dont live together either... Am I just getting cold feet?!

[rcoreyus]

Don't marry someone if you are not sure - you are not doing yourself or them a favor. But don't break up an engagement over a brief attraction either. Your gorgeous blond, manly ski-instructor, sex-god might be fun for a fling, but do you have a lot in common with him either? Will he be so attractive when he is 50, a bit overweight and can't ski because of a bad knee?

My feeling is that there is a right person out there - and you shouldn't settle for either second best, or for a brief attraction. If you are unsure about getting married - wait until you are sure.

[Hopeless Dork]

Very good points rcoryeyus, and snowgrrl, you are right to consider if you are making the right decision before taking that leap. This might be away of your subconcious telling you to think about it a little more.

Don't make the mistake of thinking the sex will get better during marriage - read through some of these posts with women having so much problems with their husbands lack of effort to please and how unhappy their relationships are. Not saying his drive has to match yours exactly, but he should at least be considerate of your needs too and willing to compromise to make you happy.

Those are definitely things you want to talk to him about and get out in the open before your locked in and have 3 kids and a mortgage and are unhappy wondering how in the world your gonna get through without cheating or divorce.

He may not realize that he is neglecting you sexually in a way that is difficult to tolerate and creating some doubt and resentment so its worth talking about.

Hobbies and interests can be totally different as long as both are respected and compromises are made so that you can both enjoy what you like seperately, together sometimes.

Your happiness has to be the most important factor to marrying this man, you have to imagine your life with him forever as it is now (you can't really count on and shouldn't even want for someone to change for you) and imagine your life without him and think really hard on which scenerio would make you happier.

Relationships are not all fireworks and electricity, those feelings come and go and come and go - relationships are more about the inbetween stuff, that day to day stuff, how well you get along and respect and enjoy each others company in my opinion. Marrying just because you like the notion of marriage may not have the outcome either of you expect so make sure to be doing it for all the right reasons: because you love each other and want to make each others life better with each other in it.

I still stand by the thought that you should not let some smoothe snowsuit wearing romeo cause you to think you are making a bad choice or receiving second best. There will always be hotter people, there will always be smarter people, richer people, people you have more in common with - always. Even if ski guy was mr. perfect, an even more perfect mr. perfect lurks.

That doesn't by any means you should "settle", it just means you should love the person you are with so much that while others be more shiny they don't appeal to you more than a passing, "wow shiny". That yours will always shine brighter than any other because its you they are shining for. Do you know what I mean?

[Hopeless Dork]

Just wanted to add that I really didn't mean to come off harsh or anything on that first post and glad that you didn't take it that way. Its so easy to get caught up in a rush of excitement and forget that are SO's may get those same little rushes of excitement from a new sexy something whisking on by and we'd hope against hope that they wouldn't hurt us over some fleeting lust.

[WildChild]

Snow,

Attraction is not unusual, it's how we respond to it that counts. You've known your fiancee for 2 years which means the 'infatuation' chemicals released in your system when you met have pretty well dissapated and now you are finding out how much you really have in common and how strong your connection is. This new guy has sparked your interest and perhaps sent a new flow of chemicals into your system but you don't really know him. Now you have some doubts about where you are and where you are going. Why not take some time to assess what you are feeling about your LTR and where it is going.
Is he your freind?
Can you Really talk and share things with him?
What interests do you have in common?
What interests of your own do you each hold?
Do you have a common vision for your futures?
Can he still make your heart go pitter pat, or is there a comfortable glow when you are with him?

Relationships have ups and downs, A freind and I were talking the other day, She's been married nearly 20 years and they've had a real roller coaster from fairly well to do to barely surviving, from being together in business and life 24/7 to living 1000s of miles apart for a few years due to employment situations. She was musing that there were times she couldn't stand him, didn't want him around and there were times he treated her as if he felt the same but somehow they held on and now they are coming out of a very difficult time financially but are falling in love all over again.

There can a fine line between what is worth holding on to and what is best let go of. (Some situations such as abuse are clear) No one can tell you how to make that determination. In the absence of mistreatment or being a poor match, a large part of it is the attitude you bring to it. If you accept that attractions may occur and simply let them pass by, perhaps redirecting the arousal they may bring toward your lifemate they will just add spice to your relationship but if you let them uproot your affection and commitment then they can destroy what you have. Unless you live in a segregated society you will meet interesting men who draw your interest, that will happen all your life. If you are firmly anchored emotionally you can enjoy them as freinds but will stay strong and true in your relationship.

[damd]

I don't think you are ready to get married. Although Hopeless Dork brings up a good point, I have to agree with rcoreyus here, you should not marry your second choice or settle for someone. You are the one who has to evaluate this relationship but you are indicating that you are not completely satisfied with your fiance. Is there a perfect someone for everyone? Honestly, I don't think so. It sounds to whimsical leaving our lives to fate, something that I really don't believe in. Relationships is an evolution of layers of experiences that require a lot of work. Starting a marriage with someone that you are not going to be happy with seems futile and in the end more devastating than leaving a person while engaged.

I suggest a little soul searching and postponing or even canceling the wedding until you are absolutely sure you want to commit to this person

[luckyladie88]

My advice is to hold off, maybe just take a break for a while. It seems obvious to me that there are a lot of doubts in your mind. It also seems like if you are having this many doubts about your sex life and hobbies now, it will get much worse in the future, possibly ending in divorce. Just because you managed to push the wedding back two years doesn't mean you'll be ready then.
Good luck and hope everything works out for the best!

[TWills32]

No matter who you end up with, there is always someone you are more compatible with out there. So you need to ask yourself, "Am I ready to commit to the man I am engaged to?" I am married, and yes, I have met men who would be a better "fit" for me. They have similiar personality traits, interests, and there is a mutual attraction. However, I married my husband based on our love, trust, and over time, we became more then just a couple; we're best friends. He knows more about me then anyone else, he comforts me when I need it, shares a laugh, and we are just comfortable being in a room together in silence. He knows what I like on a hamburger, and I know how he wants his underwear folded (hehe). Once you've been with someone long enough, you get so comfortable with each other, and it's such a great feeling.

What I'm trying to say is that I know what you mean, but look at the relationship you have now. Are you in love? Are you comfortable with each other? Or would you like to be single again, and try to find the right person to be comfortable with? That "falling in love" feeling is wonderful, and you second guess yourself if you're in a relationship, but don't let it fool you. Take a step back and look at what you have, and evaluate if it's truly what you want.