[hello_pitty]

I want to "start over" with my fiancee. When we first started "dating" he pretty much moved in because he didn't live in town. I think that's where we went wrong, moving in together too soon.

Is it possible to live seperately for a while? We've been engaged for well voer a year and plan to get married in June. I would like to also postpone the wedding until next June.

He doesn't have a job right now and is living off his EI which JUST makes ends meet. He starts his job again part time sometime in April but that won't leave us enough time or money (we don't have ANY savings because he has no REAL job) to plan the wedding. I have a full time job but as I said it barely makes ends meet.

He is SO lazy and does nothing but sleep ALL DAY! Our sex life is good but sometimes it seems like he only gets out of bed to have sex, eat or use the bathroom. Most of the time he's laying down watching TV. He says he needs a break from work (hes only 30!) and it's been 6 months! I am at wits end, but I love this man so much, I think i've conditioned him to be this way because I just do everything anyways. I think living seperately might help and snap him out of this...hopefully...I am out of ideas.

I want to make this work but if i'm the only one wanting to move foreward then it's not fair. I tried talking to him but it's always the same answer "I dunno" or he'll remain quiet and only shrug his shoulders. Then he has the nerve to tell me i NAG him too much!! I am just sick of being int he same place I was many years ago...broke, living in a ****hole house and trying to reach a dream I will never get to because of relationships!

He told me he doesn't like working and wants to make a living making music...but his old band kicked him out. He wanted to start his own band...but nothing has come up so far. See I want to give him a chance but I think we may need to take a step back...And if he wants to smoke (whacky tobaccy) he can but since he's living alone it wouldn't matter I guess. I think the fact that he can't smoke is whats making him depressesd and I feel selfish to with hold him...By living seperately he can have a chance to "heal" from whatever is bothering im but he still has my support and love to help him...and he can do whatever he wants!

Do you think this is a good idea? I think it would be.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Madam...

You sooo want this to work that you go back and forward and back and forward, cause you see alot of writing on the wall you don't like, trust, and you feel some love that pulls you the other way.

In one word? Yes... I think it's a good idea, to do both especially posponing the wedding AND having a baby, I might add.

Remember though how you have lived together is how you WILL live together.. Moving out or him, will only, or may only re-ignite the passion and give you space from things you don't like about him.

Can you change him? Nup... Will it fall back into the same pattern when you get married and move back into together, YEP.

Maybe your not compatible? Maybe, Or maybe you can slowly make compromises over the next 12 months that would work later.

Don't waste any more time than that, it will or it won't work sweet.

CW

[mewhenim]

sounds like he's just flat out lazy, is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. The wedding def needs to be postponed, you have no way to pay for it! You need to talk to him about being lazy, if you decide to have kids, there is no way he can support them. Talk to him about it, if he insists there is no problem, then I'd go with the living seperatly, might be the kick in the pants kind of wake up call he needs. My husband has steadily kept always between 3 and 5 jobs to make sure I always had whatever I needed. I work usually 2 or 3 jobs, because I love working. He's a grown man and needs to step it up!

[hello_pitty]

I'm just so confused. I'm young and ignorant about this sort of stuff. No I definately will not be having a baby anytime soon.

I love him so much and he is a good man, but it seems like he doesn't want to go forward and just live everyday as it comes. I don't...CW I often thought about that, that we might not be compatable...but CAN we make it work?
Everytime something goes wrong in our relationship, he buries his head in the sand and cries or doesn't say ANYTHING! I feel as if anytime I talk to him i'm nagging, ever since he said that to me I feel bad.

How, can we make it work? I have no friends to talk to...like literally.

[Steph33]

Lazy and needing a break from work is a major red flag. No sane person is a 24/7 workaholic, you need a life.

But couples also need to live and having whatever standrd of living they want is the responsibility of both (not just you).

I dated the professionally unemployed before. They still enjoyed going out, vacations, etc that I paid for.

My BF has been a laborer most of his life, the kind of jobs most people wouldn't take or last till lunch the first day. Broke his back once, 2 heart attacks on the job, broke neck twice, 2 hernias, and God knows what else I don't know about or can't tell he physically feels and deals with. He started working at 15 and unless sent home or in the hospital, on a apid off day, has only called off work when his aunt died and days he had to put a pet down.

I knock off work sometimes, to me the BF carries it WAY to far but his work ethic is from a different background. I get the flu or a runny nose, I'm at home. I've watched the BF in flu season throw up in our driveway, then get in his car and go to work. I earn more than him but we combine money so to me that doesn't matter enough for him to kill himself.

Ask him why push it, it's "I want to take care of her." Ask him how can you handle working when you feel like , it's "in my head it's for her so I can deal with it."

It's the trait/habit I hate about him but accept it after this long. But flat out lazy is the opposite of my beloved wierdo. Your needs to grow up and carry the ball, at least half of it. Unless you want to support an adult child for various lengthy periods for the rest of your life.

Now I'm glad some of the time my guy can work from home, but he won't even take the occassional slack time with that when nobody would ever know. I wish I was rich, owned the company, could hire him, and then MAKE him work and push less. I'd like his only full time job to be working on or "doing" me.

[Iseulda]

I see 'lazy' being used in this thread a fair bit - I'm not reading this situation as lazy at all - I'm seeing a man with depression. He needs to see a doctor.

He is SO lazy and does nothing but sleep ALL DAY! Our sex life is good but sometimes it seems like he only gets out of bed to have sex, eat or use the bathroom. Most of the time he's laying down watching TV. He says he needs a break from work (hes only 30!) and it's been 6 months!

I've been through this with my ex, same age, same kinds of breaks from work, same kind of behaviour (including marijuana). I'd like you to understand that the chances of the 'break from work' ever being long enough or a job coming along that is both 'interesting enough' and 'not too stressful' are virtually zero. Your man is not avoiding work because he is lazy, nor is he 'burned out', nor is he really considering a real future making money from music (that is a dream, a fantasized future where everything will be 'OK', if he really wanted it he'd be making it happen by now). Your man is sitting around the house because he is depressed.

I am at wits end, but I love this man so much, I think i've conditioned him to be this way because I just do everything anyways. I think living seperately might help and snap him out of this...hopefully...I am out of ideas.

NO! That is NOT true. Please do me the biggest favour you could do me and stop believing this is anything to do with you. It isn't. I'm sorry to keep repeating this but it is important. He is depressed. You cannot fix him, it is not your fault, it does not stem from your behaviour and you are not responsible. Please belive that - you are not responsible. This something he has to fix himself and he needs medical help to do it. You can support him, you can love him, you can encourage him. But if he fails it won't be because you did anything wrong.

I've been there. I hung on to a failing relationship for years trying to placate him, do the things he wanted to do, be the person he wanted me to be - because if I could just be nice enough, accommodating enough, 'supportive' enough then he would be happy and we'd be fine. Thing is, I wasn't being supportive - I was just enabling the behaviour that kept him in the pattern. Maybe, had he sought medical help for depression 7 years ago thing might be very different - I'll never know.

Can you change him? Nup... Will it fall back into the same pattern when you get married and move back into together, YEP.

I agree with this. Unless he seeks help then it will always be the same.

I don't see that moving out will help - unless your real desire is to break up with him (I'm not saying it is, but I think that is what moving out will achieve).

Depression is a treatable illness. Many people suffer from it - many people have it but manage it effectively and do not suffer from it at all. If he goes to a doctor and finds a solution (medication is not the only route) then both of you can be a lot happier. If he won't do that I'd seriously consider moving out.

[rcoreyus]

I agree with others, he isn't likely to change. For some people that is OK - a life of leisure - but with minimal money. If living in an run-down house / apartment, old car, old clothes, cheap food - but lots of free time is OK, that is fine. Many people can have a happy life that way. If you want the things money can buy: nice house, car, travel, social status etc, then you won't be happy.

I don't see it as a moral choice - different people want different things in their lives and it is important to be honest with yourself about what really matters to you. I view money as an issue similar to sex: for some people it is all important in a relationship, for others just a minor thing.

Hollywood has a very romantic notion of poverty - if you notice in most movies, the poor people are the nice ones, and the ones who are having more fun (just watch Titanic). Real life is different - there a nice people and horrible people who are rich or poor - I've known lots of both, and haven't seen any difference in how "good" people are. Poor people can have fun - but they are much more limited in what they can to for entertainment.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying you (or anyone) should marry for money, or just marry the richest person you can "catch". I'm just saying that if the things money can buy are important to you, then it should be a consideration. There are lots of jobs that are enjoyable, and provide a comfortable income. If someone doesn't want to work though, they will probably spend most of their lives poor.

In particular there is a personality type who thinks that there is an easy way to make money: be a musician, start a business, or some other thing. You can make money at music, or business - but it is a HUGE amount of work - far more than a normal job, not for someone who doesn't like work or tends to be lazy.

[WildChild]

Hello, HPitty!

Glad you're still around. Rcoreyus makes some excellent points, as do some of the other posters. I think you are on the right track to want to back off a bit and both of you some breathing space. Regardless of what is responsible for this man's behavior, he needs time to deal with it and you some time without dealing with it. You may well be enabling his behavior.

There are some points of concern - his attitude toward work and work ethic certainly doesn't match yours, he may or may not be depressed and needs to deal with that. He may or may not be really lazy and you need to decide what and how much of that you are willing to live with. His drug use and possible dependence (it doesn't have to be addictive for you to be dependant) is a concern. The music star is a warning bell for me, I went through that with my first husband and one of my sister's ex at 50 still thinks he's going to be a rock star someday. Dreams are wonderful things but fulfilling them is usually accompanied by a lot of hard work, sweat and tears - it doesn't generally happen sitting on your fanny, smoking dope, while someone else takes out the trash.

Help him move out, postpone the wedding, set some goals for yourself and ask him to set some goals for himself - milestones for moving forward. Go on ahead and date each other and see what happens. Better to delay now than to marry and then find out it just isn't going to fly.

Frankly you sound like a dynamic hardworking young woman and he sounds like a lump. Now lumps can be decent people but aren't for everyone. As you've said you are young, take some time to yourself to be sure.

[hello_pitty]

rcoreyus,

I am not looking to marry a man for the size of his wallet, but for the size of his heart. If I was a money grubbing you-know-what I would have no job and 10 kids living off welfare yadda yadda...but no, my issue is that I'm the only one working while he gets to lay around all day and do NOTHING constructive. I don't believe in living off hand outs and in someones basement. I want to work for my living and earn it. I see way too many young girls latching onto men to support thier fiancial needs...I am independant in this manner. If Brent doesnt want new stuff then fine, so be it...but if he's going to be at home all darn day why not clean up after himself? Maybe walk the dog? I dont expect him to become a maid but to have some respect for our relationship. I don't like coming home after 8-9 hours of slave work to see him either asleep or eating while laying down watching TV Better yet STONED! I would expect this behaviour from my younger brother, not my FUTURE HUSBAND!

I talked to him last night before work. I told him that I want to postpone the wedding and live seperately. He didn't say a word. I looked at him and he was still looking at the TV. sigh....of course I asked him what we should do to get us out of this hole we're in...."i dunno" then I asked him to talk to me...."what do you want me to say?"....It's like I have to do the talking in order to get a peep out of him

I need a break im tired....goodnight

[WildChild]

Pitty I think you missunderstood what what Rcoreyus said. You are right money isn't everything, it won't buy you happiness but neither will poverty.

If you re read what you posted I think you said it all. His behavior is what you would expect from a younger brother not a future husband.

I don't think you should expect that behavior from anyone. You are a hard worker, who likes to see things get done, he's a slug - not a good combination. It is unfortunate to see women latch on to someone just to have them support them - it's as unfortunate in men as in women.

Currently Brent has no reason to change. He has what he wants, he get some money without doing anything, has a servant to clean, cook and shop, has plenty of time to himself while you are at work, gets sex if he wants it, has the telly, music....why should he change?

You've said he's a good man. What is good about him? I haven't seen anything I can recall in all your posts or threads about this showing some shining quality he has. You said to CW , " that we might not be compatable...but CAN we make it work?" The thing is YOU can't make it work, it takes both of you and right now it sounds like you are the only one who is IN the relationship.

Your idea to live separately is a good one. Go for it!