[nowwhat?]

i need help!

I have a great an amazing better half. We are going to celebrate our 3 years anniversary in the next few weeks. Prior to that we dated 2 years while in college. Now that we are getting really serious and talking about our future and marirage. I have notice the difference with his parents-especially with his mother.

At first it was fine and dandy...then she started to do a whole 180. I am really confused and hurt by his parents actions that i have decided to take some time apart and not come around the family. I mean....how can i afford to put myself in uncomfortable situation?

Anytime i talk to my better half about his parents actions, he seems to defend them and remind me that those are his parents. And i understand that concept...but i'm his better half...and they are hurting me...and i wish he defended me like he does his mother and his father...

Now i've heard people talk about their in-laws and what not...but once upon a time things were good and i felt fortunate and blessed...now i feel like i'm just not a good enough girl for their son. And they have no problem making me feel inferior...

I really need some advice because me and my boyfriend have been arguing constantly...we see one another but once a week due to our job situation...and that one day is with his family that drives me up the wall...

I really need some advice since i am at wits-end. And i need to know if walking away from an investment of 5 years with the man i consider to be my best friend...as the solution to a problem that can stem to be deeper when we do get married.

Please help me with this one!
Thanks.

[kms]

In-laws... the timeless issue. My family makes half attempts to disguise their dislike and disapproval for my bf (stemming from ignorant racism), and his response is simply that he doesn't go. No matter how polite they promise they'll be, he won't go. Why should he have to really, they're my family, not his. I agree with his tactic - by avoiding being around them he also avoids any potential arguments and disasters and doesn't give them anything to complain about (except that he's not there, lol). If you really care about your bf, I'd suggest doing the same. As long as they are giving you a hard time and he isn't willing to stand up for you, then you just don't go with him when they're around. I also agree with him that they are his parents and they are his priority, and if you all don't get along then you all just don't have to be around each other if it can be helped. Just a thought!

[Iseulda]

Hi nowwhat?

I don't quite understand the situation here. The only thing you say is they make you feel inferior - What is it they are doing? Do they make mean jokes at your expense? Do they talk down to you? Ignore you? Go on about how his last girlfriend was a better thing? Maybe if you tell us what it is they are doing that is so upsetting we could have a few specific ideas on how to deal with it. Maybe it is something they don't realise they are doing and you need to talk to them.

You say your bf is defending them. In what way? Does he say shut up and take it? Does he say they are right? Does he think it is not that serious?

I agree that spending the one day you have together with his family who are not making you feel good is going to be difficult for you. You either need to sort this thing with his family or ask him that at least every second week you and he get a significant chunk of alone time. Without knowing more about the situation I still think that if he's properly serious about you and him then he needs to show that you are as important to him as his family. If that means sacrificing time with them to give you what you need then that's what he needs to do.

Don't fight with him. Just tell him calmly that this is not something you want but is something you need. Give him time to think about it. Don't tell him what to do, or how to accomplish it, just tell him what you need.

You deserve to have your needs met.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There underlines the problem.

You see him once a week and it's always with his parents.. Always.. How long has this been the case?

It was fine because you hadn't taken away their baby.

Marriage is a whole different kettle of fish and he will expect them over for dinner, you both over there, your life will not be two people married sharing, rather a whole family and you may rate second.

You need to check this all out a lot more because my gut "woman's intuition" says, he has been raised to be in their pockets, not out of them.

CW

[nowwhat?]

Thank you for all your insights


I guess I didn't get into real specifics.

But his parents live in los angeles, i live in orange couty and my boyfriend lives in riverside county. Our jobs keeps us apart-he works 12-15 hour days so weekdays are difficult for us. And on the weekend we see one another and its always around his family cause we go to church with them and spend that day with them.

And in response to how they make me feel inferior...
i'm asaian and he is hispanic...they always joke around how i eat only rice...they always force me to learn spanish (since thats the new english-so they say)...his mother loves to baby him excessively when i'm around...and constantly remind me that no matter how old he gets he will always be his baby...when we are all around together, its a constant battle for his attention...his dad is the same way-now...they constantly remind him how much they sacrafice for them to come here and gave him an opportunity at a better life...

i'm not to sure why they respond the way they do to me...in my culture we show our elders utmost respect and i have extended that to his parent but the indifference is getting close for me to just put them in their place...but i've debated because i have a stong feeling he wll always side with them...

no one in my side of the family has ever gone outside our race to date or even marry...so i have no one to ask advice from or discuss all this with...its utterly frustrating to be around his family and i'm beyond uncomfortable...so i've decided to not come around at all...which is hard because its straining my relationship with my BF...

i'm really close to calling it quits with him because this is more than i signed up for...and its been 2 years and counting where i have to walk on egg shells for people.

[Steph33]

The mother of my BF is a fuctional alcoholic. Drunk but you have to know her well to tell. She's a total ........with nothing good to say about anyone or anything. Literally.

He loves her as it's his parent and does the helpful stuff, time on holidays, etc. I admire the patience and effort even though it's never appreciated.

He never says anything about what they talk about or what she says when they are alone, it's worthless and unneeded stress.

But if I am there, regardless of situation or other company, he doesn't allow me to take any from her in the slightest. It's either apologize immediatly or we're leaving. And he has no problem instantly saying "what is your problem" or "Who do you think you are."

Respect for elders is one thing, taking from them is another.

I see my family much less due to distance, but made it clear from the start if they don't like my guy fine. But if you can't act nice with common courtesy, I have no interest in visiting.

In both cases, if we want any from anyone we'll squeeze their head. Otherwise act civil or have no contact. Period.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Buy them a book about your Culture which shoes just how much respect you have for family, for husbands, because it seems that they only see in one colour.

It appears that they want to control nationalities and if you were hyspanic then it would be fine, but it's not is it... It's your life and if your man can't separate love from his up-bringing of they "own" him, then he will not change either.

CW