[secondbest]

ok well i don't know where to start i just found this site and decided to join to see others opinions on my situation. my husband just admitted to me that he is addicted to porn. when we first got together he was looking at it on my computer and i was upset after many fights he stopped. i thought it was over but yesterday i looked at his phone and thats where he's downloading it. i've known he did this before but i didn't know the extent to witch the problem was at. i first found out he was using his phone after i gave birth to our first kid about a year ago, he kept going to bed early while the baby was still up and walked in our room several times and caught him. we talked about and explained that it really hurt me feelings that he would rather go to bed and be with those girls instead of being with his son and me. now i went through his phone yesterday to find he is downloading porn all the time while he's driving to and from work while he's taking deliveries at work. ( i cant even send a text while i drive how could you download porn?) he works at 6am and i get up every morning cook him breakfast, coffee, all while he's in bathroom downloading porn. i feel hurt, this is out of control i don't want him to touch me i feel gross. i feel like he has this whole secret life it wally disguists me. i thought we had a healthy sex life but now i feel like i have to compete with these porn stars and i don't want anything to do with him. is this normal am i over reacting?
thanks for listening i can't talk to anyone about this because i'm embarressed.

[Hopeless Dork]

How is the relationship outside of the porn issue? Is he still affectionate to you and do you still feel like he gives you adequate sexual attention. I got to say, I don't see how viewing porn on a little mini screen of a phone is serving him very well! He's reached a new level of desperation for it since you have cut him off of using the home computer for it.

Guys look at porn, most of them anyway, and its really not as big of a deal as many of us women build up in our heads. We feel, like you said - that we have to compete with these airbrushed, photoshopped human blow up dolls and the truth is we really don't. As long as a man isn't using porn to replace his healthy sex life with his wife or girlfriend then its probably not much of problem in my opinion.

By you telling him NO no no on the porn, all that has happened is he is now turning to hiding, secrets and lies - none of that is good for a relationship. You have to figure out for yourself what exactly it is about the porn that bothers you, what him needing to look at makes you feel like. Then talk to him about , not saying don't do it.. but just saying the way's it makes you feel so that he could have the opportunity to put so much of whats likely bothering you at ease.

It seems like, a woman can say that they just do not want to be with a man that looks at porn, but it seems like they are not going to find one - not in today's age of accessability to the point that you can get e-boobies direct to your phone. I am not so crazy about why some guys need to see so many different naked bodies to feel complete, but eh.. it is what it is.

[Steph33]

I've seen so many threads here started about porn causing problems, and people (both genders) keep saying it's "ok" and "no big deal" or "normal."

If it's so normal, acceptable, and OK, why does it cause (or eventually cause) so many problems ????

A lot of people seem blind or ignorant to the obvious. Just my opinion.

[rcoreyus]

There are some subjects where reasonable people will disagree: Abortion, War, Socialism, Religion, and....Porn. For some people it is just entertainment, no a big deal. for others it is a form of cheating and a huge problem. Neither is right or wrong, but you have a problem if people are in a relationship and have different opinions.

[fiona82]

Well! we are married for one year and having the same problems.6 months after marriage my husband started viewing porn mostly when I was at work and he got back earlier,I never liked it and told him too.I had never refused anything to himand am average in looks.Things got over the head when he started looking at porn for hours at night and avoiding and ignoring me.What is it if it is not a competition with those porn stars.Why on the earth is it legal to watch porn if it is breaking marriages like that.Ours was a Love marriage and a bit against my parents wishes.where do I stand now?Don't tell me that it is normal to watch porn...it is cheating.How will my hubby feel if i go to watch male strippers?Marriage is such a stupid relationship...you give all that you hold to a person and he turns out to be a cheater!I wish I had not married this man.If I was not happy before marriage I was not that sad even....now I am shattered!

[rcoreyus]

It is legal to watch porn because some people enjoy it and it doesn't disrupt their lives. It is like alcohol: some people can have a glass of wine in the evening with no problem. Others wind up lying in a gutter next to an empty bottle of thunderbird in a paper bag.

My personal opinion is that porn is OK as long as it doesn't interfere with the rest of a relationship. I would consider it to be a problem if someone every prefers porn to sex with their partner.

Porn can be addictive - like alcohol, gambling etc - and the addict often can't do much to help themselves. (Again, not all porn watchers are addicts - just some of them).

[WildChild]

Some people think eating pork or meat is intollerable, or drinking alcohol. Tobacco is a deal breaker for me and I can't tollerate being in close quarters with any kind of perfume but that doesn't give me the right to decide it's wrong for others. Just that if they want to come into my space or me around me they can't use it.

Porn is same sort of thing. Some people like it, some hate it, most are somewhere in the middle. Some can watch a little and turn it off, others can't leave it alone. Anything that interfers with your life could be a problem. I once knew a woman who had to have intervention because she spent so much time praying that she neglected her kids. For her prayer was a problem, that doesn't mean it should be illegal.

You cannot make blanket judgements on porn or anything else. Statements we see repeatedly about feeling that you can't compete with appearance of the porn stars, seem to show a problem that has little to do with the porn and everything to do insecurity. I would venture a guess that the same women take issue with their husband or bf noticing or looking at other women.

Anything can be taken to excess and that must be dealt with but do take care that you are not just taking the porn as a strawman in place of the real issues in the relationship.

[suzy21]

Hello, just wanted to say that i know exactly what you feel because i have been going through the same thing with my boyfriend, but the only difference is that he never told me he was watching porn, he always kept it away from me, i started looking around and not only did i find porn on his pc but conversations he has had with girls which made me feel like ... your husband at least told you he is addicted, he needs counseling if you are planning on staying with him, talk to him tell him to see a therapist you have to go with him too, if he doesnt do that then i suggest you to get out of that relationship because its causing you pain.. I believe if a man loves you for real he doesnt need to be looking at porn it should be enough with you...
Much love

[Tigerlily21]

Hello to all... Girllllllllll !!!! I'm going thru the same thing, but I haven't approached my husband yet about it. I'm still thinking whether it's ok for him to watch, and entertain himself or talk to him about how it makes me feel. I really don't want to make a big deal of it. I just want to know How can I tell him that it bothers me?

[Hopeless Dork]

Tread lightly and try to not make a huge issue of it, I almost think the less you care about it.. the less they care about it. It might be a passing interest, one guys develop early on and usually carry in some capacity all their lives. As long as it isn't interferring in your sex life as in he is not satisfying you and spending all of his sexual energy on porn. When a man is in a committed relationship and can get sex whenever they want I often think they use porn out of sheer lazyness sometimes.

Sometimes they like to eat at a fancy restaraunt and order a steak and desert and its the best meal.. but it takes longer to get, costs more , etc etc.. and porn is kinda like the drive thru of sex, something to help them gratify themselves quickly with and dont even have to take their pants from around their ankles!

Of course if they ONLY want fast food... that is very inconsiderate to your feelings and need for closeness. So try to evaluate if he is carrying his fair share in meeting your needs. If he is, and he isn't going all nutso on the porn - eh, you have to pick your battles.

From the posts I've read on here, most men will react like children getting their favorite toy taken away and its an uphill battle that your likely to lose, or think you win because he just turns to hiding this interest... thus making it more interesting than it even was to begin with. Most towns have porn arcades and viewing booths and he's a grown man and will do what he feels is okay.

Porn can hurt a woman's feelings sometimes, it can. I know women can like it too, I do sometimes. But it does have a way of making you feel not sexually attractive enough for your partner, and even if thats not the case sometimes it just feels that way... for a lot of women. But everything is hinging on your perspective you can make his viewing it be as degrading and hurtful and mean to you as you want to think of it... or you can choose to shrug it off, know that its just a guy thing and not let it get it to you.

If you do want to talk to him about it, like I said tread lightly and discuss how it makes you feel in general give him the opportunity to put your mind at ease. I'd avoid requesting him to stop and instead let him decide how he wants to handle this hobby that hurts you and see if its something you are okay with.