[Lola]

Hi
I am needing help, I feel very alone in my marriage we have a 18mth old son, who means the world to us..my husband drinks all the time alone mostly at home, he helps out with our son and shows him lots of love, but when it comes to me he doesn't communicate or show me his love he has always been a bad with sharing his feelings with me..this last 1 1/2 he has been drinking alot..4 to 5 times a week..often falls asleep in the spare room..I AM always asking him not to drink "nagging" i just want to do things as a family..and he chooses the beer, he says he won't quit drink and blames me "saying I am the one with the problem" he doesn't have a problem...I don't drink ..he works hard and we have everything great house, $, n I love the idea of everything we have togethier but i am so alone and find myself resenting him, I can be verbally abusive and so he can he mostly when he is drinking..i don't want my son to see us treat each other badly, we are very hurtful to each other, both of us have little self esteem, not sure what to do and thinking it may be time to end the marriage we just keep going in circles, and I want to have a husband that shows me the respect and love that I NEED..and i want to be happy and show my husband love and respect..thinking we are too far gone and we would be better parents to our son if we went our own ways..
just don't know what to do?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

and I want to have a husband that shows me the respect and love that I NEED..and i want to be happy and show my husband love and respect..

Your husband is capable of showing love, as he is doing so with his son.

You say you are verbally abusive, and I highlighted the above as you stipulate what YOU NEED. Then and only then can you give back the love to him.

It starts with you...

If these are things you need, then you need to see what it is that makes him love his son but not you... What it is that makes him work hard and then come home not happy and drinking 5 days a week, and to see what it is that has created this mess to start with and work towards that.

There are two sides to every story....

Maybe he needs your love, not your abuse, or requests of giving to you, without you giving first.

What can you do to make it work? Instead of what he is doing that is not making it work.

CW

[WildChild]

Is there alcohol abuse in your past? Maybe a parent? You might check out AA for family members, they have programs for children and spouses of alcohol abusers. You do need to get a handle on your own behavior, why are you verbally abusive? In one sense he is right, you have the problem because he doesn't see a problem with his drinking but you cannot live with it. If you have insurance see what you can do about counseling. You need some skills for coping and communicating without abuse. You can't make him change, only he can do that but you can change and that may result him changing.

[TWills32]

I recommend AA. You can't force him, though, he has to want to get better. So if he refuses, try an intervention. I would also recommend marriage counseling. A marriage counselor would help you deal with your personal self-esteem issues, too. I think dealing with the alcohol problem is a main concern, though. He could also see a substance abuse counselor if he didn't feel comfortable going to AA.

[Iseulda]

Is there alcohol abuse in your past? Maybe a parent? You might check out AA for family members, they have programs for children and spouses of alcohol abusers.

Al-Anon is the specific organisation for people who have a family member with an alcohol issue. You can't make him go to an AA meeting, but I know loads of people who get an awful lot out of Al-Anon, whether the person in their life is still drinking, trying to quit or all the way dry.

[kms]

I wonder if it's not that the drinking is causing him to withdraw from you, but something else going on in your relationship that causing him to withdraw (such as the way you've said you treat him for starters). It seems to me that the drinking is how he is trying to cope with the problems. Him sleeping in a different room is also a way of coping. He's trying to escape the problems by drinking and creating space between you instead of dealing with them head on, which may be because you haven't created a very positive environment for him to openly express his feelings without fear of being hurt or shot down.

So I don't blame the drinking. At this point I don't see the drinking as the source of the problems, but simply a coping mechanism. To solve the problem would not entail tackling one of the symptoms, but instead focusing on the root of the issue. It's like being shot in the stomach with a bullet and putting a bandaid over the wound to stop the bleeding. Sure we don't want to bleed and we definitely want to stop the bleeding, but the bleeding is not the actual problem. So trying to stop it does not only not solve the problem, it'll only make it much worse later on.

[Steph33]

Can't help those who don't want to be helped, be it booze or drugs.

The BF and I both have drunks in our families, we don't try to fix what they think isn't broken. A waste of energy.

If THEY want to change, they will or will ask for help.

Otherwise, decide a deadline and then move on. Don't let someone destroying themselves destroy you as collateral damage.

[WildChild]

He may or may not have an actual drinking problem but you still need to work on your behavior. It sounds like you both have problems with communication and dealing with your emotions. Why not get a copy of some of John Grey's Mars and Venus books? Some good info in there. Worth a try. Another good one would be Mama Gena's Guide to the Womanly Arts.

[Lola]

thank you everyone..

Yes i do hear you all and I have to work on the way I am 1st before anything we change in my marriage I do realize this...I find it hard to keep up my goals for my self and family with the let downs, stress and my abilities to copy with it, I AM GOING to try to talk with a family counselor for the 1st time ever..and my life is alot like my parents my dad is a drinker and my mom has always talked down to my dad..this is why I hate the fact that my son maybe rasied in the same way I was and I WANT nothing more to change that for him to teach him how to respect, love and to have respect for both of his parents..
thank you again and I am going to follow up on the suggestions given, I do believe in my marriage and want it to work, I DO think my focus needs to be on more than just my husbands drinking, and more on the whole picture!
Sincerely,
Lola

[Joy]

well if you guys are going in circles then its time to get out of the behavior. Change starts with you first. maybe your husband has a problem and surpressing his feelings fuels the alcohol abuse. You can't change that but you can change your behavior.

Being aware of your triggers and reactions is key. If you both suffer from low self esteem you don't need to keep chipping away at his. Instead do things that will build up good feelings towards yourself.

Start being healthy for you and your son... see if that helps your husband want to be healthy for the same reasons. you can't make him but maybe he will make the decision to stop abusing himself with alcohol...

good luck