[sammy-o]

hi--i don't ieven know where to start--i met my husband 6 years ago-(i live in a small town, so i knew of him) anyways, at the time, he didn't have a license because of past DWI's--however, we fell in love--and decided to get married--i let him drive my car, and he said that after we got married, he would start working on getting his license back---my parents didn't like him because he was putting me at risk (driving w/no insurance in my vehicle) anyways, in the past 6yrs., there have been a number of things that have happened--first, he took my vehicle, got drunk and went into the ditch--after that, he promised me that he would never drink and drive again bla bla bla--he punched through the back door window and wound up in the hospital the next day for stitches and didn't remember anything--there are many more things, but he finally did get his license about 2 years ago--anyways, halloween weekend he got pulled over--he blew a .01--it was his 4th DWI in 10 years--he was facing a felony-but, he was able to plea down to a 3rd DWI--our brand new vehicle was siezed, and we spent 7 grand on a lawyer--my parents and my two brothers want nothing to do with him--for awhile, they wouldn't even talk to me because i'm still with him----
my dilemma-my parents are planning a "family" trip next year, but my brothers haven't said anything about going because i think they don't want to go if me and my husband go--should me and my husband still go? knowing that everyone will be uncomfortable? and now, my stepson is getting confirmed next month-and there is usually a sit down dinner afterwards--i don't even know if my brothers will come--

i've been struggling with trying to keep everyone happy--i know i should just worry about myself-but, i don't even know what to do anymore--on one hand, i want to give my husband another chance to get it right
(his father, granfather, uncles were alcoholics--) there's a part of me that is just sick of dealing with it--and there's a part of me that is so stubborn, that i want to stay out of spite (i know--it's childish)

this 4th dwi happened last october,so thanksgiving was right around the corner--my brothers didn't talk to me or my husband the entire time--and that hurt a lot!! i mean, i totally understand that they want the best for me, but, i am 31--it's just hard--i feel torn between my family and my husband--

i should mention i''m adopted, and have always struggled with feeling like famiily--not that they have ever treated me differently--but, i'm the black sheep--

anyways, i hope that some of you were able to understand this rambling post-any advice would be great--thanks for taking the time to read this--

[Debra]

Hi sammy,

Ultimately, only you know what you need to do and only you can do that. I, personally, would not put up with a man who was as selfish and inconsiderate as to constantly get DUI's. Sure he has a family history, but so did my mom and she's never gotten a DUI or was pubically intoxicated. She made a stand early on in her life to NOT be like her parents and grandparents. Family history is used so often as a crutch or an excuse for bad behavior. Some say there is a gene that could cause this, others say that family history is just an indication for behavior, and others, like myself, say that your choice is your choice. He chose to get drunk, drive, wreck.....seems like an ongoing pattern, eh? Alcholism is hard to beat, but not impossible. He could change if he truly wanted to.

As for you, you are put in a hard spot. You love this man and your family, but they don't get along. Keep in mind that your family has your best interests in mind. Your parents raised you to their best capabilities and want to see you thrive instead of worrying constantly about your husband's alcohol issues. I think it is asking too much of them to accept him for who he is because so far, all he's shown is how selfish, inconsiderate, and dangerous he can be. They don't want to see you end up in a bad car wreck if you were to be in the car with him one time.

I realize that some of my words may come across as harsh, but the reality of it is if he wanted to change, he could. It's a hard road but it is manageable. When will he realize that his alcoholism is out of control? Do you really want to wait around and find out what wake up call he needs if he's already wrecked a car, costed you all 7 grand, and had several DUI's??? It scares me to think what will wake him up!!

I feel for you because it is a hard scenerio, but needless to say that writing is on the wall. I'm not sure what you needed help with but I tried to state my opinion....and you know what they say about opinions! Chin up. I wish the best for you and hope you come to a decision about what to do.

[kms]

I agree with Debra - just wanted to add that for the time being, you could always go to family events alone. My family doesn't like my bf (for completely different reasons), so I always go to family stuff alone to save grief and drama on both sides. That way everyone wins - peace reigns and potential crises are averted.

[sourpuss]

I agree with Debra - just wanted to add that for the time being, you could always go to family events alone. My family doesn't like my bf (for completely different reasons), so I always go to family stuff alone to save grief and drama on both sides. That way everyone wins - peace reigns and potential crises are averted.

Well, everyone wins but your boyfriend who is left out and you who can't have her boyfriend with her at a family gathering.

[happy ending]

i was married to an alcoholic for many years, he drove drunk on a suspended license and still didnt see anything wrong with it, leave before he kills someone or hurts you or someone you love. be strong he will promise everything but deliver nothing. they have an addiction, it makes them incredibly selfish. good luck.

[WildChild]

Bluntly put, you have been enabling his behavior. You indicate he has a child, do the two of you have any together? Do you want your kids thinking this is OK? You can't make him stop, only he can do so. But you can put your foot down and insist that if he wants to continue a relationship with you he will get help.

How is it that he still has a license?
A freind of mine lost a beautiful daughter, an honors college student, an active, vibrant young woman, to a habitual drunk driver. He was out on bail for another offense and doesn't remember killing her with his car. Vanessa's death is remembered daily by those who loved her. Do you want something like that on your plate? No more lawyers, no more bailing out, should be no more driving. Make it clear if he drinks, he deals with it alone. He's getting away with it, in part, because of your enabling.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The problem with wanting more love " black sheep", is that you will ignore all that is in front of you that is wrong, and ride with the tide which is what you are doing.

He has a history of alcoholism, he can not jump this hurdle, your wasting your breathe on another go to see, there is only worse to come.

Your parents can't be upset over non-insurance risk, rather, you in the car and the risk of your life, childrens, friends, people, humans...

They can't say what they really want to say to you, because they love you and so they out him.

He may be a very loving giving man without the alcohol, you seem to have feelings for him, or else the non want of failure, a marriage and so remain.

You in my eyes, have one choice only AAA...

He needs help, he needs to get of the distructive wagon and you don't need to be under those wheels.

If you want this marriage to work, he needs AAA.

If he agrees to go for the sake of his marriage and his sanity, then tell your family what you are doing, at least the respect for him will return as time goes by and at the same time, you need to tell your family, you married this guy, he is seeking help and you are seeking theirs, whether they like him or not he is your husband and you deserve the respect of all family being together, it is your choice, they made theirs with whom they married... Love me, love whom is in my life.

Stand up for him and yourself.

But, seriously if he won't seek help, then you have a ticking time bomb on your hands don't you.

CW

[happy ending]

i agree with the previous posters chandlers wish and wild child. you will never get your life back until you leave this man. my ex used to make promises, we had counselling etc but they will always love the booze more than you, and that is a cold hard fact!

[Meshuu]

Why are you putting this man first before your family and yourself? He obviously will not change, and dont fool yourself into thinking that he will change for you. Go with your family on the trip, get some perspective on things by being away for awhile. Tell your family that they are great for being so concerned but ultimately this is something that you have to deal with and that you are listening to their advice and appreciate that they are there for you no matter what. They love you, thats the only reason they are angry at the situation. They want to see you with someone who deserves you. You sound like a very sweet person with a good heart and good intentions, but you have to stop putting others before yourself like you are doing with him.