[Passion]

Okay, so its been about four months in a half since my husband left me to live with his lover. THis weekend a couple of friends and I went to a poetry night at a coffee house and as soon as i came in the door I saw my husband with his lover. I told my friends I could not go in but after some thought decided to do so as I should not be the one feeling uncomfortable after all I did nothing wrong and I should not miss out on doing things that I want to do because of them. So I went in he glanced at me for a second and then he kept talking to her as if he had not seen me after a while I decided to go and say hi to him I went up to him and he held his hand to shake my hand...(what fifteen years of my life with him and all he could do is shake my hand) the lover said hi to me I ignored her. She left and he asked me if I was okay, I said Yes i am doing good He said are you moving on? his question really upset me so I told him fifteen years you threw down the drain I asked him if he cared for her he said yes. He asked me to call him so that we can talk about it. I told him I had nothing to talk to him about over the phone. so he asked me to go outside to discuss as that was not the place to do it. We went outside and as soon as we were outside, she came to him and whispered something in his ear. I then looked at her and I told her " I have aquestion for you, you knew he was married why did you do it, why did you get in between a bond a marriage. She looked at me her eyes watered and she said when I first met him he did not have his ring. she kept telling me, so I told her you know I dont care anymore It does not matter. She said, you asked me aquestion and I am giving you the respect to answer it so I told her, I dont want to hear your answer because It does not matter, I dont care about your answer anymore... She said, it started platonic and when I told him I liked him he said what? I told him I know he told me he also told me about how you told him about your fantasy of marrying him, having kids with him and an art studio. I told her it does not matter she still went after him after she found out he was married.. He stood there listening to us while we talked back and forth and told her this is not the place to do it. She looked at him and told him no I want to answer her question... He walked away, I then walked away, then she went after him. oN our way out to the door I saw both of them and I told her " those tatooes that he has on his arms ( he was wearing a wife beater) those were a gift from me to him on our first year anniversary and I then walked away. At the time I was cool and collected, they never saw me cry as soon as I walked away and absorbed all of it I began to cry and it now seems as If I am floating in air without a place to be....What hurt me the most is his handshake after fifteen years he gives me a business handshake. My friend said that she looked as If she felt very low.... I did not cry and I was collected, classy, and mature. My friends told me this was my closure. but it feels like the end of my world.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm not sure what to say to you Passion, other than I am glad that you come back here and talk to us, and get it off your chest.

Obviously, this girl wants to feel better about herself and so, she wanted to keep explaining, but he seemed to feel that she had no need to, yet revelled in standing listening to it all?

I think unfortunately, your husband, was always a very selfish person, because he should have simply walked away full stop and not allowed any of that to occur.

The shaking of the hand, well that's a statement, in itself, sorry , very sorry but it is closure, you handled yourself very well, we are proud of you.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

If he could leave his loving wife after 15 years of marriage, promises and trust - she should be shaking her boots wondering how easy it would be for him to walk away from her. Seeing you probably only reminded her of that, and she should in fact be reminded of that... because when that other woman comes into the picture she cannot even shake her head in disgust, as she would be shaking it at her ownself as well.

Take pride in the fact you didn't grab her by the hair in a fit of rage, you kept your composure and handled things with as much grace as you could muster. I've never been in a relationship for 15 months let alone 15 years - I can't imagine the heartache you are enduring, but you were up on your own 2 feet tonight at that poetry reading, still standing.. not wasting away in your bed, under the covers as maybe he thinks you would be.

A man that did not have the testicles to try to work on his own marriage first, divorce if it was unfixable BEFORE taking on a new lover is not one you should have spent one more year, month , week or day with. He is a coward, a weak and pathetic excuse for a man and you deserve better. You do. And if you can't get better from a man, give it to yourself, because you do deserve it.

[WildChild]

Can you create a ceremony of letting go? Are you ready to do that yet? Maybe when it is finalized in court? It really is very healing.

[Passion]

I threw our wedding rings in the ocean a couple of months ago. Still having a hard time letting go as he was my only one I cant understand how he forgot all the sacrifices and all the things we have been through and all I deserved was a handshake.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Passion, I remember the ceremony.

And, your friends are rallying around you and trying for you to find closure, but something is holding you back and this is what I think that it is:-

I cant understand how he forgot all the sacrifices and all the things we have been through

You obviously contributed alot into this marriage and the mere fact also that it was 15 years of sacrifices, and suffering, and now left on your own whilst he enjoys another partner, makes it almost intollerable.

Well this is what you have to let go of.

Time is merely time.

Had he made this decision at a 4 year period you would have been better at dealing with it and younger.

But he stayed for 15 years in a comfort zone, probably not sacrificing much himself, just being.

You need to see that it is your life again, you have it back, it's all yours, and time is simply that time.

You can't stop what happened, or change it, or get back mostly what you put in, I know, I may have had half your time, but I could not be happier at 45 years of age, 2 years after separation, than I am now in my life and I look at that time as, a learning experience, but also that had I not left an un-happy relationship, I would not have found a happy one now. I would have remained un-happy till death do us part.

I know your suffering but your still living in your past.

You have to see that the future is all yours now and if you believe in Kalma what comes around goes around.

You have to see that there is definately good and happy things to come and let go once and for all.

It's not your fault that you walked into a place where he was, nor his, it happened and I wish you could move away, or him but that may not be the case.

You had your "let go in the parting of the rings", now it's time to live for you.

CW

[Passion]

I just wish that one day he regrets treating me the way he treated me... and realize what he threw away.

[WildChild]

You can't dwell there. Even if that day comes chances are you will never know because you will have moved on. By then you won't really care.

[Passion]

Thats true....

[sallyskellington]

Wow way to go passion, I give you MAJOR props for being able to be so mature about it. I would not have been able to be as calm as you were. You handled that with class. No matter what happens keep your chin up!! Neither one of them deserves you to give them a second thought about them so never look back!