[mommyof4kiddles]

Hello,
I have been married for 7 years and we have been together for 9 1/2 years.
In 2007 after the birth of my 3rd child my husband got the ringworm like rash on his legs, abdomen and lower back. He's in the military so he HAS to see a military dr which said it was ringworm. We then ended up moving to a different state and the dr there told him it wasn't ringworm (since it didn't go away with treatment) that it looked very similar to an STD. He was put on different meds (can't remember name) and a cream for them as well. He told me what the dr said and then asked me if I had cheated and I have not. I asked him and he said no so I thought ok good.
Well about a month later he developed one wart on the shaft of his penis and again told me I gave him an STD. I laughed it off and said you know the answer to that. Things seemed fine until last year when I kept getting sick and had side cramps all the time. I went to the dr and found out I have high risk hpv. I know the dr said it does not mean he's cheated but the more I think about it the more I think he may have. What do you all think? Also, since it happened a few years ago how can I get to the truth and find out for sure? I am so confused and we have 3 kids so its even harder!

[Debra]

First of all, calm down. You have to think clearly in order to come to a calm decision. The doctor is not biased and would have given you a clear answer if your husband undoubtedly cheated.

Your husband is in the military, did he recently go overseas? Our bathroom facilities in the US and Europe are a lot cleaner than that of 3rd World countries, not to mention the military tent bathrooms. It would not be that far fetched to think that he may have contracted it while he was overseas. And it could very well be from sitting on the toilet or other weird circumstances. Talk to your doctor and ask about all the different possibilities.

If you still have your doubts and think that he may have cheated then look for the 'my man's cheated signs.' Unknown numbers that pop up, checking e-mails and making sure you can't see them, leaving all of a sudden, arguments when you ask who called, and change in all around behavior.

The tricky part is that he is in the military and if he went overseas, then the behavior I just listed could also be signs of post traumatic issues.

You are the best indicator as to whether he's cheated or not. My guess is that he picked it up unknowingly (as arre as that might sound.) Is he the type to cheat? Has he cheated before?

Hope you come to a clear understanding and I hope the best for your relationship!

[Hopeless Dork]

From what I understand about HPV it can remain dormant in the body for a long time but 9 years - eh, not sure on that. The STD you mention with the body rash and cream for treatment etc.. sounds like shingles which is in the herpes family so it would seem to make sense that it was that.

Wow. Tough Call. How is the relationship outside of the STD? Has he been acting differently at all? If you KNOW you haven't cheated...him coming out and accusing you of being the STD carrier makes him sound like a guilty party , even if in denial that he is the one that brought into your home. You see when someone cheats, they tend to become more cautious and jealous of what YOU are doing.. they see how easy it is to do and pretend things are fine, because they've done it. So they look at you and wonder if you are doing the same and get very insecure and accusatory.

But oh gosh if he did catch it from something non-sexual, how increddibly sad it would be to have your trust of him broken, his trust of you broken, your relationship go through crisis all for something neither of you were to blame for. I'd investigate those diseases pretty thoroughly and ask your gyn what are the possible methods of transmission, how long it can be in the body without having symptoms etc and try to base and assess the situation from medical facts.

If its possible it could be dormant longer than 9 years, if its possible that he could have got it from other means besides sex and if your relationship is fine otherwise, I'd put the issue to bed. If the answers are that those things are not possible AND your relationships been rocky, it might warrent some further discussions etc.

[mommyof4kiddles]

No he is in the cg so he never goes overseas. The other reason why I am starting to suspect is b/c when I was working he would ALWAYS make comments to me and say things like "your dressed too sexy for work" "I bet you hike up your skirt for men at work" and always jokes saying I am probably cheating on him. He has been doing this for years though but its got worse since we moved here.
We fight all the time about things I do not do. He says that he feels like he is the only adult in the relationship and how I do not help him out. Basically telling me that staying home taking care of 3 kids is nothing which is bs. The latest argument all started b/c I wanted to fly home to see my family in another state since my grandparents are not doing well. He got mad and said that I was being selfish and told me again I was acting like a child b/c I didn't think about the what if the plane crashes and he's left with 4 kids to raise ( I forgot to mention I have a sd though I do consider her my daughter). For argument sake I told him I would not go knowing that if I did it would cause a bigger rift in our marriage.
Then I admitted to him that I was also going so I could have a break. THAT ****ed him off and he stormed around the house very mad. He said if he had known this about me we would have stopped having kids after our first one. He even asked me if I wanted a divorce. That wasn't the first time divorce has been brought in and HE is always the one to bring it up.
Now I have been trying hard to improve on the things he has problems with and help him out more. The other day though I looked through his history on the computer and he went to a few websites that are for people LOOKING to have an affair. I confronted him about it and he said that he never went to those sites and that they were probably a pop up from the pornsite he was on. Porn I do not have a problem with him viewing I mean he is a man and men like to look. But going to those sites draws a line on top of that he went to some porn peep show where you can chat with the woman that is stripping for free. He again denied it so I put a keylogger on the computer in hopes that I will find out the truth.
Also the other reason why I am starting to think he may have cheated is b/c before we moved he was working out with a girl from work in the basement just the two of them. Yes he would tell me about it but she would be ALL he would talk about when he got home. I don't know I am very confused....
I did talk to my dr the other day and she stated that in the cases she has seen genital HPV shows up 6 months to 4 years after getting it. When I told her how long we had been together she stated that it doesn't mean he cheated but that he could have got it even from just kissing someone else.
Again I am still confused and looking for the truth. I don't want to stay in a marriage if he has been unfaithful.

[Little]

It seems to me like there are other potential reasons to leave this marriage, if you believe in leaving a marriage that is. He tells YOU that you act like a child? Hardly. He's controlling and manipulative and blaming the other partner for cheating is a classic sign of having cheated oneself. It's called projection. Of course, that doesn't mean he cheated. And realistically, unless you get hard evidence you will never know for sure, since if he were going to admit it he'd have done so by now. The caveat of hard evidence is that looking for it means your trust is already gone.
Maybe you two can see the chaplain and try to work on your marriage, as it's very clear you have issues communicating with one another (whoever's fault that may be, someone has to fix it.) It sounds like you're a very rational woman dealing with a child and a very unfortunate situation.

[mommyof4kiddles]

Thanks again ladies!
I will admit we do have commincation problems and it is b/c of me. But to my defense its hard to talk to him. For instance while i was working I told him that the comments he made hurt my feelings and to stop, he basically brushed it off and told me I was making it out more then it was.
When I first started working he was working nights and wouldn 't get home until just before I would leave for work. He was stay home with the kids getting no sleep (this was HIS choice we could have put them in daycare or had a friend watch them). So he was always stressed out so after a few months I put them in daycare. So now it was me waking up at 5:30 getting ready, then waking the kids up and then breakfast and out of the house by 6:45. Then I would drove 30 minutes to the daycare and then another 10 to work. Cause the kids just started they kept getting sick which I will say I am thankful for my dh being in the cg cause he was able to pick them up and take them to the doctors.
I kept getting sick myself but pushed myself too much. My dh at the time was sick as well but HE was able to get time off of work. I on the other had knew I needed to work but one day while I was at work I could barely move so I went right to the doctors only to find out I had walking pneumonia. I came home and told my dh who pretty much didn't even respond but said HE was more sick and needed to be taken care of. He said all this b/c he couldn't walk up and down the stairs without getting dizzy (so HE says).
He still to this day reminds me of how I don't take care of him of which I remind him that nobody takes care of me when I am sick.
I really do miss my family and I want to visit them but I know what will happen if I bring it up again. I hate feeling as though I have to choose between the two and I do not feel that it should be this way.
What should I do go visit my family and just deal with dh when I get back? Or do I stay and just hope that my grandparents can hang on?

[WildChild]

You may not get another chance with your grandparents. Once they are gone that's it. Better to see them while they can appreciate seeing you than to go the funeral! Your husband sounds very manipulative.

Having had shingles I can state that they are quite distinctive and if that was what he had the Dr would have easily identified them. Have you been tested for the full range of STIs? A local state or county health clinic can generally do this free or at a nominal cost. I would second LIttle's statement that those who suspect or accuse are often guilty or looking for a justification.

With 4 kids involved you should try marriage counseling. It will at least give you someone who isn't involved to talk to and offer some tools for coping. His behavior sounds pretty emotionally immature, it isn't likely to change for the better without some help.

[mommyof4kiddles]

Oh I know and I have stated the same thing to him. His response "Welll go then but I will always question your loyalty to this family." I can't win no matter what I do at this point. My mom has been keeping me posted on my grandparents so if they get worse I AM flying to see them!
I was going to make myself an appointment this week to see the DOH. My dr suggested it so that way it would not be billed to my insurance. IF I do have anything else then I will know for sure that he was infact unfaithful.
Once I find out my test results and depending on the results I will suggest couseling again.
Thanks for all your input and I will keep you posted!

[Hopeless Dork]

He is demonstrating some pretty selfish thinking/behaviors. The comment he made about what if you got in a plane crash? It wasn't "I'd be lost without you, I am just scared of anything happening to you" etc.. it was "what about me, ME , ME ME.. if you die I'll be stuck with 4 kids". That made my stomach turn. On the other hand if he was having affairs you would think he would want you out of town so he could pursue them. But on the other side of that coin - He might just want you home so that you are there to watch the kids while he plays on the computer, searches porn and affairs sites etc.. (it wouldn't suprise me with the other selfish comment).

With the size of your family and everything you have invested I think its worth getting counseling for the BOTH of you... even if he's innocent of an affair I think it would serve him good to work on his trust issues of you and his paranoia of being left alone with the kids if you want to make a simple visit to your family.

Like Little mentioned, once you are digging around - its obvious the trust has already been breached. So in my opinion it wont matter if your search and snoop comes up empty because you are likely to keep digging. Installing a keylogger, that is a huge bad sign.. I understand you feeling the need to uncover the truth, but if he's innocent that is a pretty large breach of trust on your part. No one wants to feel like they are part of a sting operation in their own home, by their loved one no less.