[MariaM]

Hey ppl. I'm new here. I'm from Denmark, so if my english seems poor, that's why. Hope that you'll forgive me for those grammatical mistakes I may make

Okay. Let's cut to the core. I've been in a relationship with this guy for the past year now. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but overall everything's just great. If we feel like we have an issue, we're both very good to take it up and calmly talk about it. We share interests and humor and we're also very attracted to eachother.
The thing is, that all of a sudden he started watching porn (which he hadn't been doing eversince wee got envolved) -and not just on a regular basis. Actually he now watches more porn than we have sex.
I thought that this would eventually go away, that it was just a "thing" he had at that time. But as time passed I was proved wrong.
There was even this one time when he let me wait at a café for more than an hour before he showed up because he was watching porn.
I felt neglected and ignored knowing that he spent more time on redtube or whatever than he did with me. When I brought it up he said he was sorry, that he hadn't thought of it that way and that he would stop watching it. I said that I wouldn't demand this of him and my only problem with him watching porn this much was that I felt I wasn't his first priority.
But he insisted and I was relieved and happy to know that he would do something like that just out of respect for me and my emotional needs. For like two days -'cause now I just found out that he just watches it when I'm out and about with friends or family. This may not seem like a real issue to you, but I'm in desperate need of advice, and as many of you inhere seem to have been married for a long time and therefore have a lot of experience with relationships/men I came here. Hope you can help me out, because I'm really sick and tired of having these feelings and not being able to just enjoy myself (and him for that matter) like I did before all this.

Kind regards from Denmark,
Maria.

[WildChild]

Hi Maria,
We've had a lot of discussion about this. Some women consider any porn that a man watches to be too much and they make it into a big deal. It doesn't sound like you are doing that. It sounds like you have tried to be reasonable and understanding about this. Basically an addiction is when the person is doing something (drugs, alcohol, gaming, porn) so much that it interfers with their work and their relationships.

You talked with him about this and he offered to make changes but hasn't been able to keep his word. He may need some help to break his facination with this. It might be that stronger words from you or the threat of losing you would be enough of a push to get him to stop. If he can't he may need professional help to change his behavior. Does he recognize that it is interfering with other parts of his life?

[MariaM]

Not at all. But then again, it seems more of an excessive use than an actual abuse. When we first met he didn't really watch porn. And I know what you could be thinking, but it's not like I don't fulfill his sexual needs.
I myself have a very big sexual appetite and there's never gone just as much as a week (maybe even not 2 days in a row) by where we didn't have sex. I've really tried anything I could.
I've asked him if he has some fantasies he feels he needs to experiment with. But nothing. So he's not addicted and he's not attracted to the extremity some of these films hold.

I don't feel like I'm too sensitive about this matter either, and I think any girl in a relationship would feel sad about being ditched to something like "Horny blonde Kelly Ann gets it in both holes II"
I just don't know what to do. And it's started to hurt my selfesteem.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Maria, welcome.

Without a doubt, there are more threads on this subject than I would be able to count on two hands, have a look in the sex section.

Very simular stories...

Firstly, you can not allow it to effect your self esteme, there is nothing wrong with you at all, it's not the reason why he watches it.

And, sadly, it's more than likely he was watching Porn before he met you, I don't believe it's a new thing, now he hides it from you, he more than likely did that before as well.

I also doubt that he would fathom doing anything like that with you, he would probably be shocked at the suggestion, however, he may also say na... regarding fantasies, because he may feel then you think it's because of the porn.

If he's not intimate, doesn't hug you, tell you your beautiful ( not all the time, but certainly from time to time), give you attention and "laugh" with you like two mates as well, then is it the relationship your searching for any way?

That's what's important.

CW

[WildChild]

I think for most men, as a fantasy it does the job but in real life what they wants is different - if only in attitude. It really doesn't have anything to do with you. There may be the rare case when some guy becomes obssessed with a particular porn star but that's surely no more common than with any actress.

Only you can judge how deep your feelings and the connection between the two of you is. Is the relationship worth trying save? Would further discussion help? Can he cut back to what the two of you can agree is a reasonable amount? Can he describe what is so compelling about it that he would risk a real life relationship with a caring woman over video?

[rcoreyus]

It sounds to me like he is tending toward addition. Porn is like alcohol, gambling, etc, some people can use and enjoy them, others can't. Different people may put the threshold at different places, but to me, someone who spends time on porn rather than with their SO has a problem.

You sound open and reasonable - try talking and see if he sees that while watching porn is OK when you are not around, that it is worrying that he would prefer it to a real person.