[hippiechick2405]

Ok, this is a long one, but I have been "lurking" on these boards for a while and a lot of you have some very sensible words to say. So, here goes.
I have been married to my highschool crush for almost 13 years. We have two boys (9 & 11). Like any marriage, we have had some major ups and some even more major downs, but all in all, we are usually pretty happy. That is, until about 2.5 months ago. My husband started really hanging out with one of our mutual friends a lot. The friend was having problems with his girlfriend and stuff, so they were hanging out more than usual. After a week of them hanging out, my husband comes home and tells me that the friend (let's call him DF), told him that 10 years ago, me and DF were sleeping together (which is not true). DF & I did hang out quite a bit, but nothing ever happened (I now realize that hanging out with a single guy while married is one of the dumbest things you can ever do). I told him that nothing happened, but he said that he "just couldn't get it out of his head". After that day, my husband drank constantly. For two solid months, we barely talked and when we did, it was a screaming match. He hardly was at home (other than to sleep-but there were two nights that he didn't come home at all). We discussed divorce/seperation. I had a house all lined up to move into, but then we talked one more time and he admitted that he had a drinking problem and that he didn't want me to leave and that he still loves me. So, I told him that I wanted to try to work things out also. Well, DF and his sister began calling my husband at work, on his cell, and at our house constantly. We are talking 15-20 times a day. I ignored the calls and so did he. Well, last weekend, we were out with some friends and I ended up talking to DF's sister on the phone (she called and I had just enough to drink to say something!). She told me that her and my husband were sleeping together. I was devestated. Since then (which was just this last Sunday), she has emailed me numerous times telling me how sorry she was and that my husband was telling her that we were over and that I was moving out (which in my opinion, is horrible-you still don't mess with a friends man). She was a pretty good friend of mine right up until her brother started all this. I have been upset and have been pretty much ignoring my husband. Just the thought makes me want to vomit. We talked/fought last night about it and he was furious that I was believing what she was saying. I know that she has had a thing for him for quite a while now (even though she denies it), but I NEVER in a million years expected her to act on it. And, I was furious that he was believing DF (and then he still hung out with him CONSTANTLY-which I really don't understand). Now, he says once again that he can't get it out of his mind about me and DF and that he doesn't know if our marriage will even work. Then he says he doesn't even know if he wants it to work. I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but I honestly don't know what else to do. We have talked about it and still nothing. I know it's wrong, but my biggest thing is that I know those two want us apart (for who knows what reason), and I can NOT let them win! Very petty of me, I know. If anyone has any ideas that I can try or similar experiences, please let me know. I am so sorry for how long this is, but I had to get it all out. *Our sex life hasn't changed much. I have noticed now though that he wants "morning quickies" a lot more (which could mean that he likes that because then we don't have time for the more "intimate" stuff). Any help is greatly appreciated.

[WildChild]

Wow. Sorting this out could take some time. It sounds like there is too much alcohol in both your lives, since you recounted not only your husband's admission of a problem with it but another situation that arose because you had a few. You state that this woman told you she and your husband had been sleeping together and that you believed her but not whether he had confirmed this. Shouldn't you give him the same benefit of the doubt you are asking him for?

This pair sound like a disaster zone for both of you. If you and your husband want to try to salvage your relationship you should agree to cut all contact and ties with DF and sister. It's obvious they don't wish you well. Why is your husband willing to take the word of his drinking buddy over yours?

It's interesting that with all this doubt and fuss the two of you are still having sex. If you believe he was sleeping with the sister wouldn't you be concerned about STIs? Or deep down do you still trust him? It might do the two of you good to get counseling. Sometimes it takes an outsider to get us to see the obvious and they can give you specific steps to take to start moving forward. It sounds like you may be able to salvage this but it will need both of you really working at it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I had a situation whereby my ex-husband's mate was having trouble in his marriage, it seemed to be hanging by a thread, based on their only child, daughter.

So he hit the road by means of riding his motorbike and confided with my ex-husband, they have been friends for ever, and so my ex-husband did the same thing, probably stated that we weren't that close anymore either.

And, so they both jumped on their bikes leaving us behind at any given moment that was not involved in working hours and so at the times i should have been enjoying time with me ex, i was on my own.

Point I am making there, is this went on for a year and to the point where my ex stated " you better get used to it, because i am going to be doing this till the day I die"...

Yeah right, seeya... hense seperated, going through Divorce 2 years later, amongst other reasons.

So, with this, his "mate" had a hidden agenda... He "wanted" his bestest buddy to also therefore, spend all the time with him... He assisted in destroying a Marriage, that could not be saved by that point of time, because the ex refused to change and be part of a marriage.

Perhaps this is what this guy is doing... All-be-it that he is selfish... He through in the sleeping bit... This would be enough for him (single only has a girlfriend) and your husband whom believed him and may cross over to his side, to hang out .

He may also have known that his sister liked and has always liked your husband and sees it as perfect.

Your husband, "may" have slept with her, may have, based on this information he was fed and the alcohol he consumed, or it may be a plow of both brother and sister who don't give a shirt about other people only themselves, bought up in a selfish way who knows.

You obviously both irrespective had issues big issues before, you say never the less you were happy, no you weren't neither of you, you both purely had love for each other that comes with childhood sweethearts and 10+ years.

What you both need is to see if you can re-capture your love and intimacy as you have friendship or move on..

He said, she said, after all these years you should be able to sit on a sofa and look into each other's eyes and tell the truth and know in your hearts it's the truth good or bad.

Sit him down and ask him why DF all of a sudden is spending all this time with him, creating havoc in a relationship, explain to him the above, that it could purely bej that in reality he will be single soon and needs a buddy, and is working towards that and that he knows that his sister likes him and prefers his buddy to be with his sister that they have no respect, morals, and is this what he wants? People in his life that want to destroy it?

Or, the years you've been together and what you can both do to correct the past errors that have occured and make life more fun, intimate, passionate and happier..

CW

[blondie80]

I hate to say this but i think if your friend had a thing for your husband, I think she seen an opportunity to try something even if not with him! Friends that arent really good things have been known to be nasty and sneaky and try to do anything to get what they want, or if they are miserable they expect everyone else to be as well, I would of given your husband the benifit of the doubt and proved to them all you were the bigger person here, you asked the same of your husband now its time for you to do it in return.
Sounds like your friends aren't really friends at all, you guys are better off leaving them behind, maybe sit down and say to your husband that your sorry that you over reacted maybe just on shock value than anything but you do believe him and willing to give him the benifit of the doubt, as you know what other people can be like that you realise that your friend could just be setting you up for a fall. Maybe tell him you needed time to process your thoughts and you know he wouldnt do that to you and be really nice and reassuring about it, In my opinion I think you guys are better leaving your friends in the past!

[hippiechick2405]

WildChild, thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate your view. Alcohol played a HUGE factor on his part. I only drink about three times a year (New Year's, birthday, and our towns horse racing weekend), so alcohol is not an issue with me. And, yes, deep down, I didn't believe that he was doing anything with the sister. When she told me that she had slept with him, I was extremely worried about STD's, but then I realized that she was more than likely lieing.

Chandler's, thanks for telling me of your experience. I am so sorry that it came down to divorce, but I know that it happens easily. I totally agree that we need to get back our fire in our relationship. It's not completely out, it's just smoldering-lol.

Blondie, I know exactly what you are saying. I agree, I think the sister was totally after him from the beginning and I know that women are mean and usually don't stop until they get what they want. And, I tried to be the bigger person at the beginning, but this past week, I snapped a bit. I sent her an email and told her exactly what I thought. It wasn't nice, but it made me feel better.

I just want to thank you guys so much for your input. It's nice to get some views from people who are not around the situation. My husband and I talked this weekend and we have decided to focus on our marriage and nothing else and see what happens. He has not talked to either of them for five days. Good start. And, I'm glad that I trusted my gut feeling, because the sister is now backtracking her words and saying that she never said that they slept together. So, now I know who was lieing. It's just really scary how two people can cause so much havoc on something that you thought was somewhat steady in the first place! Anyways, thanks again so much to you guys.

[WildChild]

Thank you for coming back and letting us know what is happening. I wish you all the best and hope you two work it out!

[Hopeless Dork]

I have a skewed angle on this for one reason, I find it hard... although is of course possible.. to believe that a man who GENUINLY believed another man had his wife would want to continue to hang out with him. It is the kind of thing that destroys friendships, leads to unspeakable acts of violence etc... they usually don't gain a best bud out of hearing someone has been with the one they love.

Is it possible that he started hanging out with this guy, as an excuse to be around his sister.. and accused you of sleeping with him to justify his own bad behavior? Theres nothing that points to this of course, its just my paranoid line of thinking...but really I don't see him wanting to have to hang out with the guy, have to look at the one who did this.. esepciallly without time to heal and forgive in between. This brother-sister tag team of destruction to your marriage has some serious issues regardless of how it all went down.

Obviously the drinking thing, and him coming to a resolution with that is crucial to you guys working things out. People tend to drink a lot to forget, drink because of guilt, drink to relieve stress.

I feel like everything is so far out of your hands, this affair that didn't happen that you are being accused of, the affair he had that is now being denied, all of those things don't leave you much room to clear yourself. He is mad at you for believing what he was able to believe. Trust is damaged, but I don't think beyond all repair. If you really love this man and after 13 years I am sure you do... you guys are going to need to isolate yourselves from the this wierd family duo because it sounds like they are heckbent on hurting the both of you.

[Hopeless Dork]

Just wanted to add that I was replying at the same time the OP came back to update, there is a lot that is completely irrelevent since the update so just ignore that :P I am glad you guys are staying away from that other couple, that is going to help a lot. Quit taking their calls, listening to their messages, block their emails they are poison.

[hippiechick2405]

I know exactly what you mean, Hopeless Dork. I still can't figure out why he kept hanging around him after DF told him that. The only thing that I can think of is that they had been friends for 8-10 years, but that wouldn't make a bit of difference to me. When DF first told my husband, the sister was in Vegas and didn't come back for a couple of weeks. Almost seemed like she got the hey out before the hit the fan, then got back in time to try to be a "friend" to my husband in his time of need (I'm being sarcastic). I just figured out how to block her email, but my phone company doesn't have incoming number blocking and I can't figure out how to do it on our cell phones either. But, anyways, thanks so much for your response!

[WildChild]

Go into the phone store and ask. Most of those guys are at least low level if not total geeks and can just about make those phones get up and dance, they should know how.