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  • Tigerlily21
    Junior Member
    • Apr 2009
    • 9

    Huband still in touch with his ex and lied about it......

    Hello to all. I will try to keep this short and detailed. I just found out that my husband of less than a year has been keeping in touch with his ex. He has lied to me over and over. Right now we are seperated because of all the lies he has fed me. I will explain..

    6 months ago, my husband was on the computer looking thru his email. I was folding clothes and putting them away. I passed him and saw on the screen a picture of a girl holding a cute baby girl. I smiled and went up to him. He got starled. I asked him " Who's that cute baby?" He answered " Oh that's my friend's niece. Her name is AVA." ( KEEP THIS NAME MEMORIZED YOU GUYS WILL SEE WHERE THIS NAME COMES TO PLAY)Then I said" oh friend you never told me about her." He replied " oh yes an old friend from college." I was like oh ok.

    I have a photographic memory. Something told me to memorize the email name and I saw on the bottom of the page. Photobucket.com. I memorized it because he acted very strange when asked about the picture.

    So the next day, I went to photobucket.com, type in the name of the person and BOOM, there was this person's album. I go thru it. Nice pics of her and her fam. Then all of a sudden there they were. Pictures of my husband kissing this person. Lots of pictures of them together. at a wedding. in Disney world. the picture dates 2006-07. I met him in 07. My heart sank. I couldn't believe what i was seeing.

    I waited til he got home. I showed him the pictures. His eyes wide open. I just told him " Why couldn't say that she was your ex. or is she?" He told me that yes she was his ex. That he never told me about her because it was to embarrassing to talk about her. I didn't understand that and he wouldn't explain either. i told him you lied to me.

    The following week I loose my cellphone and my husband puts me under his account. I was under another network. Since I got the phone my husband would constantly check who called me. who I called. Who I texted? My husband never puts the sound on his phone and everywhere he goes his cell goes with him. I asked him. What's going on why are you checking my phone like that. He couldn't answer. He just said. I have moments of doubt. I kept it to myself what i wanted to say to him.

    I was waiting for something bigger. I knew something wasn't right. So i was saving evidence and just analyzing his behavior. That night I waited for him to fall asleep. I checked his phone for the 1st time. I see many texts that said from DAD. I knew of the back that him and his dad don't ever text each other, because his dad is old school and just calls. I start to read the texts and there were 2 texts. i see that he erases texts.

    One of the texts said "Good night sweety" and the signature says "Ava;s number#1 auntie" remember when i said to keep this name. Then it clicked right away i knew it was his ex. Then the second text said " What no call today? you better call me."

    I woke him up and everything came out of my mouth. That he was a lier. I asked how long was this going on, I asked how could he do this behing my back and continue his day like nothing was going on. No wonder he was checking my phone, because he was leing to me so he thought I was doing the same thing.

    All he said was, I'm sorry He called me becaused he wanted to know. How I was doing. I told her I was married. I broke up with her and she doen't understand that. I don't talk to her everyday. I ignore her calls and text. Then he paused and couldn't continue talking. Then he kept telling me I love you. I married you and that's all that matters. I left it at that because deep down inside something said to me. just wait. more will come.

    2 weeks ago my husband had a nervous breakdown. I took him to the emergency phsy room. He was checked in. he had to give me everything in his pockets phone and all before entering where he had to see the doctor. He gave me his bag with everything and he went in. I sat down to wait.

    20 mintues past and his phone rings. a wierd number showed i picked up. I said " hello" then a girl on the other says " who's this.. where's so and so" I said " who's this" she says. this is his girlfriend. I said" well if your his girlfriend then I am his wife." She made a weird niose and hung up. Then she calls back saying " is this a joke, where's so and so"

    to make this short and I do apologize for this long story. We just kept going back and forth. The girl didn't get it. She kept thinking it was all a joke. I waited for my husband to come out and waited to get home. Then I lashed out. i told him that she called. she says she's still your girlfriend. He broke down and said" let me tell you the truth. I said finally.

    he said that he really never broke off the relationship. he just let it die on his own or so he thought. They had a long distance relationship. She visted him when he was down in florida. and that's were the pic were taken. So bascially he's playing games with her. He said to me to let him break it off his way. because she's crazy and doesn't get it. That he loves me. He;s crying telling all this. He has lied to me. He lied about her. he lied about who she was. and even in the beginning of our relationship he has lied that he did not have a relationship before me. I don't believe him. I don't know what to do.

    I am in my mother's house now. and he's calling like crazy. crying over the phone that he wants to be with me. I said to him " break it off with her then look for me again. Was I right to say that. I need advice. I'm very confused. thank you all for your patience with this long story. I would apprecaite your advice.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning"
  • CHANDLERS WISH
    • Mar 2008
    • 22440

    Accidental double posts is fine, lol.

    I don't know look at your heading?

    Husband has a girlfriend and a wife, and has had from day dot.

    It seems to me that she really didn't seem to know at all.

    It seems to me that his breakdown was because he was caught out and knew that the rest was about to follow.

    It seems to me that you need to never go back to him, how could you ever trust someone whom is now claiming that he just can't get rid of her?

    Surely, if she is assuming "Dad" as the name in his phone, that being that he has saved that name for her so to keep it from you, it's not just a matter of a time ago, rather now,before and well now.

    I would be asking who the baby belongs to?

    I would be staying at my parents and never letting him back into my life.

    Be careful to, he had a breakdown, let him get over that bit, before asking further questions for closure, he may commit suicide, he seems a tad soft.

    I don't know what else to say at the moment, really...

    Guess, he cheated all the way through and I hope you two don't have children at this stage..

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment

    • Joy
      Veteran Member
      • Jul 2008
      • 618

      I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think you are best off with your mom at this point. He just keeps making bad choices. He doens't know how to make a commitment to one person. IF he wants to be single let him be.

      Comment

      • Hopeless Dork
        Veteran Member
        • Dec 2008
        • 4255

        The level of betrayal you must be feeling right now. I see that you are starting to almost go into denial at the thought of how big this might be, of how much it hurts and I don't blame you. I say that because your title says "my husband still keeping in touch with his ex", and its mild tone not "my husband has has a girlfriend he lied about" and at the end of your post questioning whether or not it was right or wrong of you for you to ASK your HUSBAND to break up with his GIRLFRIEND.

        Of COURSE its not wrong to ask that sweetie, you have every right you are his WIFE. I agree with CW and think his breakdown was him realizing the crapola was about to hit the fan... and either staged that for you to feel sorry for him or was genunily overwhelmed at a looming confrontation. You were snooping around getting close, find the texts, she was becoming more territorial "what no call today ?" and he probably felt everything caving in.

        My question what was it like in your marriage BEFORE this discovery? Did he sneak away a lot? Can you think back to 'a-ha' moments that are fitting together and making sense now that didn't before? Has he went out of town, spent the night away or given you any reason to believe their affair continued into your marriage or does it seem more likely that it happened as he said, just a girl he never broke up with, that was far away... that he didn't feel he had too and so carried on a mild emotional affair on a distance.

        If you hadn't saw that picture, if you hadn't gone through his phone, if you had no clue still that he was keeping this communication and leading this girl to believe she was the only one, how long do you think he would have kept it up and wouldn't she eventually at some point tire of the distance and demand change and would he have broken up with her when things got too real or would he have left you to make things work with her?

        Do you have children? Did you have a strong marriage depsite this (before knowing of course) ? I can't pretend to imagine what you must be going through, you did the right thing leaving. Even if you decide to work it out at some point later, its important he see what he risked/risks by lying to you and for him to feel losing you and really be able to confront his own heart and decide who he would rather lose in this situation .. his wife or the "crazy" girlfriend that wont take the break up.

        Its quite likely she's not crazy at all, he named her "dad" which meant he was aware she would be in contact with him, "no call today sweety?" implies he calls often. Ugh. I don't know what to say but my heart breaks for you, it really does. If you really do love him and at the heart want to work it out, think what you had is worth saving... how to pick up the peices? How to go back to trusting him, how to not feel your gut wrench when he gets a call on his cell and acts suspicious.

        He is of course going to need to break up with her, and this is going to have to be done in a clear and transparent way that you will have the security of knowing the deed has been done and all communication is severed if there is any hope at you working it out. Hopefully has already done so, after seeing the cost of stringing 'ex-girlfriend' along.

        Take this time out to focus on you, what you want out of life, your own happiness and if its possible for you to achieve that on your own and move forward without him, that might not be the worse decision you could make ... only you can decide if you will ever being to grant him the trust again that is paramount to the survival of any relationship.

        I wouldn't jump to any decisions, I would let your head clear, I would try to take the time to think about your own future and what you want it to feel like. Best of luck to you Tigerlily. I , again, and so sorry for your hurt and glad you are strong enough to talk about this as it must be so very painful right now.
        Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

        Comment

        • HALFNOTHING
          Senior Member
          • May 2009
          • 150

          That must be tough for you. i had been in your situation. remember, everybody don't ever accept their faults on things they're thinking they can lose something. a theft won't ever admit that they had stolen something.. because if they do, they will lose to the court.

          if you really love him, give him a second chance. but remember, only second chance, if he will do it again. no buts and leave him totally. just see to it that he really has broke up with that girl. no communication at all.

          but, if i were you. don't allow him back to you.. he had lied to you and he could do same in the future.. your trust on him washed away and there's no comfort and good to live with whom you don't trust..because once a trust gone in a relationship, it won't gain back again.. men can always be who they are.. pardon me for those who aren't.. but mostly are like that.. so, we, girls, must be aware and careful of them..

          Comment

          • CHANDLERS WISH
            • Mar 2008
            • 22440

            Originally posted by babyriana
            That must be tough for you. i had been in your situation. remember, everybody don't ever accept their faults on things they're thinking they can lose something. a theft won't ever admit that they had stolen something.. because if they do, they will lose to the court.

            if you really love him, give him a second chance. but remember, only second chance, if he will do it again. no buts and leave him totally. just see to it that he really has broke up with that girl. no communication at all.

            but, if i were you. don't allow him back to you.. he had lied to you and he could do same in the future.. your trust on him washed away and there's no comfort and good to live with whom you don't trust..because once a trust gone in a relationship, it won't gain back again.. men can always be who they are.. pardon me for those who aren't.. but mostly are like that.. so, we, girls, must be aware and careful of them..

            Very well said.........



            Nothing to add.....



            CW
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment

            • AlleyWay
              Member
              • Jun 2009
              • 45

              You are a very strong and smart woman. Your husband is very lucky that you would even consider taking him back.

              Comment

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