[katscuddle]

My husband seems to have a problem with having friends online. I never would complain about any friends, but there seems to be a problem with him joining these sex sites for dating and then "browsing" every day and he has private talks with a woman or two and talks about meeting them etc. I just don't like it at all.
Once quite a bit back he did have an affair, he said that he did not have sex with the person. But I don't know if it's true or not. I just can't get it out of my head that he did it before and it started this way then. Am I just being jelous or does anyone else think its wrong for him to join these sex dating sites? Then becoming sex talk friends with a woman. He gets plenty of "loving" at home. I don't think it's right. Do you?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Absolutely not.

Some men have so much trouble with the word "commitment", they just don't get it, it's like the little wife is at home but I will still be a bachelor.

Sorry, marriage is not about that, let alone a committed relationship...

I also can't see any man having an "affair" and claiming he never had sex, especially if he started as you say on a "sex dating site", that really does say it all doesn't it?

I mean, dating sites do have lonely women as much as it has lonely men, and some women get sucked in, other's don't, but a sex dating site, well to me that is saying the women know exactly why there are there...

It's not "looking" at a woman's photo..

It's communicating, verbally, written and then actual....

You need to tell him it's not on or go and become a bachelor, what else you have to consider apart from being hurt and apart from him not being loyal is what else he may bring home to you, "give you", for thanks for being my wife, oops, she seemed like a nice girl, it was only once...

Another suprise you don't want is another woman pregnant to your man.

Give him the right act madam...

I feel sorry for you.

CW

[HALFNOTHING]

yeah right.. you should tell him that you're his wife not a buddy who will support him for what he's doing.. give him ultimatum and if he won't.. kick his balls and leave... woman instinct always right.. i tried that...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

.. kick his balls and leave...

OUUUUUUUUCH...

[HALFNOTHING]

OUUUUUUUUCH...

he deserves that.. if the hit hurts, I'm hundred percent sure that he will realize what he is doing.. seems that he's not satisfied with his wife.. need other women to enter his.. wew.. doesn't care bout his wife feelings.. sounds like abnormal.. his mind is full of sex obsession. h

[Iseulda]

We had a big debate about this kind of thing on another site I'm a member of. Plenty of people, men and women, were arguing that it is just a fantasy and doesn't mean anything - but their arguments fell flat with one simple question; is your spouse OK with it?

If the answer to that question is 'no' then it is not OK.

There is no universal right or wrong about this - some couples happily allow other people into their marriage, but that only works when those couples are in complete agreement about it.

If you don't like it, if you feel cheated on, then it is wrong. It doesn't even matter if he's getting plenty of loving at home or not, he still shouldn't be doing it unless you are totally comfortable with it. And it is OK for you not to be OK with it. You are not being at all unreasonable.

This is something I actually did myself. My marriage was in a very bad place and I started looking for compensatory attention online. I hid it from him because I knew he'd be upset and angered by it, I knew it was another form of cheating. I had no delusions about that. I feel I had my reasons, with a controlling and verbally abusive husband - but that still doesn't change the fact that the more honourable course of action on my part would have been to leave the marriage before looking for attention from others. I don't believe I'd do it again because I don't believe I'll ever get to a place in a relationship where I feel that trapped and undermined.

Your husband may feel he has his reasons - he may be 'bored' (even though you're not boring - boredom actually comes from within, and can't be caused by other people), he may be having a bit of a mid-life crisis. It may be as simple as just not feeling sexy any more - talk to him about it. Ask him what he gets out of it that he doesn't get from you. Help him understand that you want to fix that with him, that he doesn't need to go outside the marriage, that he mustn't go outside the marriage or maybe he won't have a marriage for much longer!

You don't want him to do this - you have told him that. If he keeps doing it then he is saying that he doesn't care about your feelings. Ask him how he'd feel about you swapping x-rated texts or emails with other men. It may be that he'd genuinely be OK with that. But he may just say that and not mean it. Try to make him really picture it - ask him how he'd feel about you telling some other guy that you want suck him, that you want to feel him inside you, that kind of thing. Get explicit. See how he reacts.

He says it means nothing - maybe that's true for him - but it means something to you. You need to tell him that, if you haven't done so already. If he carries on regardless then you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and work out if you are prepared to put up with that or not.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This is something I actually did myself. My marriage was in a very bad place and I started looking for compensatory attention online. I hid it from him because I knew he'd be upset and angered by it, I knew it was another form of cheating. I had no delusions about that. I feel I had my reasons, with a controlling and verbally abusive husband

That's a brave thing to state.

I have to admit, that having slept in a bedroom with the dogs, on my own for 12 months, finding myself, fantasizing, I did flirt but I never did anything that I felt was "un-moral", choosing to ensure that I walked, feeling like a lady.. And, unfortunately I also waited 12 months after I separated before I ever slept with someone again, morals.

So I get what your saying totally...

We all have needs, we all have problems and they either need to be resolved and worked on, or we have to walk away if they can't.

I see "morals" in what you did, you didn't do anything, you were sad, lonely and looking at finding yourself, my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive as well, I put up with it for 7 years...

You were seeking to find you.

But, if he had an "affair" I assume said "sorry" won't do it again, but is at it again, in the same method, light that he did before for sure there is something missing there in his life, but what could be missing is "respect" he could actually be a batchelor and not care at all, he got away with it once, and now he is doing it again?

That's not "morals"...

I don't know, I see that as " I got away with it, I can again, she forgave me"..

Disrespectful.

You are right in as much as, if he can't play the Marriage game, then he shouldn't be married..

She should not surely have to go through this a second time?

She says "confused" and that in itself is a woman whom is a victim (different than us) but a victim that can't accept what is happening but believes in marriage.

We all know that we can be pushed to far.. But, how far is a person prepared to go a second time, if he felt un-loved would he not go on a "dating site"?

NOT, a sex/dating site, where it's sex that he is looking for and they in return are as well.

That's nothing to do with relationship issues unless it's bedroom and she states, he gets it and gets it good.

I think he's selfish..

My opinion ..

CW

[HALFNOTHING]

we do in a different situations.. So, i understand CW.. Solution is based on the situation.. We can't blame anyone of committing mistakes as we think it is.. ..

CW.. I agreed..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Solution is based on the situation.. We can't blame anyone of committing mistakes as we think it is.. ..

Exactly.

They are whom they are...

We are whom we are.....

And it either "marries" or it does not... but we learn and know next time and what we desire, and want for us.

Because.............

We only.............

Live this life,

ONCE...............


CW

[HALFNOTHING]

Because.............

We only.............

Live this life,

ONCE...............

So, Find your happiness.. we all, do have options.. we have the choice.. choose where you will be happy.. Time will cure.. Things come and gone.. someone come and gone even us..