[Untrusting Wife]

I just got married in May, and we have been together for almost 7 years.

When we met, and for the next few years,it was obvious that he had pig like tendencies, but I never thought it would continue over the years.

he was only 19 when we met, he will be 26. I was only 16 at the time. He cheated on his girl to be with me, along with the fact that at that time he was sleeping around with many random people. We just happend to fall for eachother.

When I would go to his place, he had lots of porn, wether it be magazines or videos. He also had and still has a huge obsession with porn style oral sex from a woman, if you know what i mean. And if I was the type of girl to let him do certain things, then i wouldnt be his wife.

I am willing to do pretty much anything he asks, but not when it degrades me to such an extent. Especially if anyone should be unsatisfied in the bedroom, ITS ME!


Anyways, so thats how it used to be and i felt that in time he would grow out of it, because he was finally a one woman man and i thought the porn was just a young guy thing.

As the years went on, I came to find that it wasnt over yet. He was still watching it when we were living apart. I found his stash hidden in his old room at his dads. Then after that period of time we got OUR first place together, and I came to find that not only was he ordering porn of my cable box while i was working ( and hiding the bills) he was also calling (on MY phone bill) these chat lines, meeting people, and sending them pictures of himself naked with objects to show his size off. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?

So I freaked and threatend to leave, and also at the time he was a drug addict so naturally he blamed this uncomfortable obsession on his drug use.

A year later he cleaned up, and i thought I was finally rid of this problem until October of 2008, when i got a lap top. I would notice that my history tab was always open when i would go to access my favorites. And it would be cleared. I was worried, but there was no proof.

Then right after we started over fresh with the new year of 2009, with 3 months to my wedding, i found that he was searching youtube and watching his favorite, blow jobs, amungst other things. I freaked and gave the ring back and he said he was just being stupid it wasnt a big deal, and naturally with my wedding arounf the corner, i believed him, atleast i wanted to. So i locked down the computer, only to find a week later, he started using his phone to look at porn. When i confronted him, he said he didnt do it.

So by magic, his favorite search of blow jobs just appeared in his history. Then my computer history started disapearing again!!! And he denied denied denied all acusations. I told him if he truly has a problem, to be honest about and we can get help together to come to a happy medium. Again he claims it not an issue that he could care less about porn. RIGHT.

Since the wedding i have checked his phone twice to find that not only has he deleted his history, he has also deleted the pre fill bar as well, so i cant see what he searched for anymore. And then turns around and plays dumb like he couldnt figure out how to delete it if he wanted to. That he has never done that on his phone and anything i find he didnt do it. it just appears in his phone somehow. HA ok.

So to conclude this more than long story, I CANT DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I HATE HIM, I HAVE TO COMPETE WITH THESE PORN STAR PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO CLASS, AND ANTIME I WANT TO BE INTIMATE IN AN ORAL WAY I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE HE CAN DO THE THINGS HE LIKES, THAT HE WATCHED AND DONE WITH OTHER GIRLS. BUT WTF IM YOUR WIFE, NOT A 10 DOLLAR STRIPPER. I CANT TAKE THE WAY I FEEL ANYMORE AND I AM AT A LOSS BECAUSE I CANT GET HIM TO JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. I AM WILLING TO GET HELP TO DEAL WITH IT, IF HE IS WILLING TO TRY TO CUT THE WITH THIS TASTELESS MATERIAL. Please what do I do?!

[jstew86]

I'm really sorry to tell you this.. but if he's not willing to admit that he has problem there is no help or change in sight.

Your options are: live with him being the way he is OR leave him. Those are the only two things you can do. Don't threaten to leave him just do it or don't say anything at all. He's doing this because he feels like you are allowing him to do it b/c you aren't putting your foot down and saying NO and I've had enough -- and Actually LEAVING - Yes, you say you will... but you NEVER do.

I don't recommend books much but if you feel like it - you should try to read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey.

You know, I read that book once and it really brightened up my way of thinking... so please try to either take my advice or read the book and get the advice from a man!!

Good LucK -- and i'm sorry about your husband's ways... and MOSTLY your feelings!!

[WildChild]

I find it intersting that with all the stuff about him you listed, that your big concern is;

"I CANT DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I HATE HIM, I HAVE TO COMPETE WITH THESE PORN STAR PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO CLASS, AND ANTIME I WANT TO BE INTIMATE IN AN ORAL WAY I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE HE CAN DO THE THINGS HE LIKES, THAT HE WATCHED AND DONE WITH OTHER GIRLS. BUT WTF IM YOUR WIFE, NOT A 10 DOLLAR STRIPPER. I CANT TAKE THE WAY I FEEL ANYMORE "

He has a problem with drugs, with lying, with porn, with cheating, has "pig like" tendencies- but you are concerned that you have to "compete" with porn actors? And feel like you aren't good enough at oral, again by comparisom to the actors?

Read back through all the stuff you've been through with this man... why are you still there? Why did you marry him in the first place? Does he have any redeeming qualities? You didn't list a single positive about him. Why with all this, is your big concern how you compare to the porn stars?

You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear. Unless there is some really amazing other info, you need to say good bye and spend some time (it may take a long time, not 2 months) to figure out why you were willing to marry this man and put up with all this. It would be a shame to get out of this and right back into it with another loser.

Start with loving and caring for yourself.

[Hopeless Dork]

I respect your bounderies and am trully sorry for the situation your man is putting you in. Honestly, even if you DID go all the way and do the things orally he wanted you to - it wouldn't mean he'd stop with the porn. But in the same vein, if the only thing stopping you from doing certain acts is feeling like its something a wife shouldn't do - I have to ask - who should be doing it? You should NEVER do anything sexually that goes against what you want to do with your body just to please someone else.

But your attitude towards it, is that its a low class thing to do and men won't love a hussie, at least thats what I am gathering. I think men can make an exception on the not marrying a hussie thing - when the only person the woman is a 'hussie' with - is them.

But that was just an aside, it sounds like you have compromised enough for this guy. It seems like you handled his drug addiction easier than the porn but it sounds like he has a bunch of growing up to do. Porn is something men don't grow out of how ever...

[rcoreyus]

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he has always been like this and there is no reason to think he will change. To be fair, its not clear he should change: it doesn't sound like he hid his interest in porn, drugs, etc.

It is really a side issue, but when you say that " if I was the type of girl to let him do certain things, then i wouldnt be his wife", why not? Personally I don't think there is any reason that someone in a long term loving relationship shouldn't do all sorts of interesting things in bed IF (and it is a very big IF) their partner does the same for them.

I do know that this is a really difficult situation and you have my sympathy.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

And if I was the type of girl to let him do certain things, then i wouldnt be his wife.

I think you mean't if you "weren't"..

For what ever reason, you thought that seeing as he cheated before you, seeing as he was sex-texting etc, that being "exclusive" with you he would settle down, and your answer was marriage, then he would settle down.

I think he made it obvious from day one, in accordance with your words above, highlighted, he would always be this way.

I think you hoped he would change, people don't change, what you accept at the beginning you have to accept full stop, or walk, you never walked.

You can either get out of your mind that they are "Porn Stars" and see it as, well he's experienced and we can explore together, and it's via watching sites, not hands on or, if you can't cope then you need to realise you made a mistake many years ago because he is who he is, and who he was back then as well....

It's the way he's always been and inside you know that, you can't fight someone to change, when it was their make-up to start with.

CW

[jeffswifemichelle]

I understand where you're coming from. I use to have a problem with porn but after being with my husband a total of 19 years of which we've been married 11 I've learned to accept it and use it as a tool to a better sex life. I use to be a conservative girl that you could take home to mother, which I still am to the outside world but in the bedroom that's another story. The old saying goes......you can be a freak in the bedroom and a lady in the streets. You have to realize you aren't competing with the porn. There is nothing like being with your partner. The porn will never replace the actual feeling of being with his wife. Do some sole searching and get over the fact that porn is disgusting and use it to better your sex life. Maybe actually talk to him and watch porn with him and then he can learn a few things and you won't be unsatisfied in the bedroom anymore. The only way he's going to be truthful with you is if he feels comfortable and if he knows you're judging him for what he is doing he will not be truthful with you.

You're his wife......believe there are many wives who give blow-jobs and then brush their teeth and kiss his children the next morning. Light up and learn to enjoy sex with him. Believe me your relationship and sex life will be much better if you lighten up. I've been where you are but I've learn to deal with it and now I enjoy it. I think I might watch and look at more porn than my husband does.

I've learned to embrace my husbands foot/nylon fetish and we are having the best sex of our 19 year relationship. We are having fun with it and it's great. It's something new and exciting.

[simplynikki]

you know how many times i've caught my husband trying to hide porn around the house? lol more times than I can count. honestly i dont think your husband is expecting you to be the ultimate porn star blow job giver in the bedroom. most men know these women go extremely overboard and provide this illusion that women make these crazy noises and screaming during sex...or that rolling around in bed for an hour doesnt do a thing to their hair or make up. yes sometimes it can be frustrating to think "oh my man watches porn he thinks i can do those things" or "oh he's more into the porn than he is in me". I dont think this is the case hun and if you are still holding onto the notion that your husband will never masturbate or look at porn or other women simply because he is married is just a fantasy.


while I commend your husband for dropping the drug habit...sex can also be an addiction for some people. maybe you can sit down and discuss with your husband the possibility of seeking therapy to help him control it a bit.

the naked pictures and chatting i dont agree with but the occasional watching of porn I have to admit sometimes makes the sex better with my husband.

good luck to you

[trishvan]

Feel where you're coming from- but a man is a man and they are visual. How many times have I caught my man with porn???? It can be harmless and normal for some men.

[HALFNOTHING]

why are competing with that porn? is your intimate moment changed the way it is because of porn? watching porn is only a tools for men to be expert on sex.. that whats my man told me.. he likes to watch porn just for knowledge and though he feels aroused. he loves to do it with me not with girl he sees in video...