[neeta]

I am a married woman with two teenage children. We have more than 15 years married life spent together.My hubby likes me very much and children too. Sometimes we argue for trivial things and later it used to end up with mutual apologies but we used to understand each other very well i think.
2 years back when i was not at home I saw in the telephone caller i.d. that the maid's number was called .I questioned my hubby and he denied and sweared that he didn't call and don't know about the call. I simply kept quiet.I have noticed my hubby was not interested to come along with me for shopping etc. Recently I have gained weight and he may not find me attractive i feel. The maid is working for us from past 6 years but from past 4 years she is coming only when i call her.
a month back I had gone out with my children for some work.When i returned home i saw a pair of footwear infront of my house.It belonged to my maid . I was terribly shocked.She was not called for work by me.when i rang the bell my hubby opened the door and and i asked him who is inside he said no one and became a bit pale. Then when i entered our bed room i saw a wet round shaped spot on my bed.he denied having sex with her and said he just masturbated himself.The maid said she had just come to enquire about me.

When i questioned many times he admitted that he had called the maid's house as had unsatisfied sex with me on the previous night but felt embarassed when the maid's husband took the phone and kept the phone saying sorry for wrongly dialling. coincidently the maid had come to our house and looking at her he did not feel anything as he had already masturbated himself earlier. He also confessed that it was he who called her home 2 year's back and that time nobody received the phone and this time he wanted to call her but did nothing.

I can't believe this but have to believe.I am in a worst position and this incident is causing agony. He had sex with me after this. .I asked my hubby to get HIV and VDRL test done.He got it done and the report is negative. But i have Urinary tract infection . This UTI I am getting for the 5 th time from 2003.Whether UTI may be due to My hubby's sex with other woman?
how can i believe my hubby? or how can i catch him ?Is he really telling truth?I am getting depressed day by day and feel like leaving him or die. Can someone help me? I can't stay at home alone and always i get bad thoughts of my hubby.

[WildChild]

Talk with your doctor, I don't know about UTIs but my first husband was unfaithful repeatedly and I had a lot of trouble with yeast infections. It turned out he was reinfecting me by bringing it from other women. Once I left him and got treated I had no more trouble with it.

You talk about liking but not love.
You rang the doorbell when you had been out? You don't have a house key?
You must have suspected this for some time if you were checking the caller ID 2 years ago, questioned him and still remember the incident. I don't know how you can catch him or affirm if he is telling the truth. You do need to talk with him, the two of you need to share your feelings and whether you want each want to continue the marriage. It sounds like you are miserable - you need to do something. Would you be able to support yourself and your children if you left.

One thing that comes to mind is, if the maid is married why would he even think of calling her for sex?

[Hopeless Dork]

Most guys don't make a round wet spot in the middle of the bed when they masturbate. That right there sounds like some evidence on its own, but maybe someone else on these forums know different? The story is a bit confusing ... he admits to calling her when he was unsatisfied with sex but didnt reach her? Then she magically appears when you are not home... and you find a wetspot in the bed... she came to check on you... you weren't there... she took her shoes off and stayed?

I know as a women, sometimes we have the ability to rationalize away the truth or irrationalize the truth as it where. Its like we are waiting for them to have an I am having an affair tattoo across their forehead in order to finally believe it. And even then hope against hope the guy will say the tattoo artist made a mistake so we can hold on to the lie a little longer.

I am sorry for your situation. He sounds up to something very very fishy, you sound very very unhappy. I'd start with looking for a new maid, something there isn't adding up.

[happy ending]

i agree with the other posters you either need to start looking for another maid or another husband and pronto!

[Simpleme]

This must be very difficult for you....
The story doesn't really fly with me. Two years ago you noticed that he called the maid. To be honest, I think this has been going on at least this long. If she only comes when you call, why was she there? Also, I think it is very insulting that your husband admits to you that he wasn't satisfied with your sex so he called the maid?? What's up with that? I hope that's not his little stab to make you think that you are somehow responsible for any of this.

Honey, it sounds like he has been caught and he is now trying to explain his way out of it. I would maybe inform him that your not falling for the lies and if he could just be honest about it, everyone might have a better chance of working through this. Doesn't sound like your satisfied with his answers and have some doubt, and with this doubt you will never get anything resolved.
I agree though, the first thing to do is hire a new maid. I would also maybe inform the previous maid, that you know what's going on and if you see anymore traces of her with your husband that you will inform her husband.
YOU need to take charge of this situation.

[neeta]

thanks for the replies.I have thrown out this maid.i also confirmed with the maid's husband about my hub's call.he said my hub had called him.I have asked the maid not to come to our house for any reason.I don't know how to dig the truth.My hubby loves me more and even showing more concern towards me now.he is repenting for his wrong doing and asks me not to question him on this issue and remind him about the incident.Should i take him to a psychologist?he says we can go for counselling if i want.He is normal but i am depressed.where's the way out for me?

[WildChild]

What he is doing is asking you to forget the entire thing. Can you? Can you trust him again? Counseling might be a good idea, to help you cope and to help you both dea lwith why this happened and to strengthen your relationship so it won't be happening again.

[neeta]

Thank you WildChild for your reply.I am trying to believe my hubby but i know it is difficult to trust him again but i want to know the truth from him.Sometimes i just can't control my emotions while entering my bed room.My huby says he has disclosed everything and swears that he didn't have sex with others so far.He tells i am the only one who whom he had sex.Whether couselling will help to know the truth? Shall i ask my hubby to seek psychologist's help?Who is the best online counsellor?Could anyone help me?

[stressed]

I would have invited the maid over while hubby would be at home and have a, possibly heated, discussion about it. I think then you would been able to tell if they had had sex or not by their behaviour.

However, it looks like the key sentence is "he admitted that he had called the maid's house as had unsatisfied sex with me on the previous night ", which means that if her husband wouldn't have answered the phone she would have been at your place having sex with him. The fact is that he has considered cheating on you even if he hasn't, although the evidence shows that he has. He will never admit it and now that the maid is gone he's probably releived that he got away with it so easily.

It's up to you whether to forgive him for, at the least, considering cheating on you or not. Of course now he is lovelier than ever but I am sure that once he feels safe that you are over it he will reconsider cheating as he will think he can get away with it again.

[neeta]

I too called the maid over phone and asked her when my hubby was at home near the phone.That maid also denies having sex and said she had just come then.She is also ready to come whenever i call for questioning.What can I do?I think both of them will never agree.My hubby seems depressed now as i am asking often about this incident and says he he told everything and admitted his fault and there is nothing he is hiding from me.He also says if i keep asking him again he will commit suicide and shows me the truth.That maid raises her voice and tells me that she is not that kind of a cheap woman.should i take my hubby to a psychologist ?anyhow it is true that he remembered that dirty maid when he was alone at home and tried to reach her.My hubby saya that he was madly driven by sexual thoughts and was on the edge to fall and saved by God's grace and will never have such urge and be good and pray God everyday not to do wrong things in life.What shall i do now?