[fiona82collin]

Hi! I am 30 yrs old and we are married for one year.For first three months of our marriage it seemed as if it was the most perfect marriage on earth,but then I had these occasional disturbing statements from my husband like he wanted to have some more excitement,wanted to have more females in bed,I thought that it was all to provoke jealousy and ignored as we were really having good time together.
Then I discovered he had a huge collection of porn in his laptop which he had collected for years and thus found why he spent most of the time on laptop,but he convinced me that all guys have thatWe were living in a joint family at that time so hardly got some time together but he spent more and more time watching porn and being on his laptop rather than being with me.
This year we moved to a new place because of his job,and to be with him I had to leave my job too.There was lots of pressure on him because of the new place and new job,and he had frequent gastro-intestinal problems too.Our sex life was certainly affected and I thought that it was all due to the stress he was going through,although I missed him a lot and told him a no. of times.
He started spending more time on his laptop pretending to be doing studies online ,but I didn't find it comfortable as he would keep on typing something for whole of the night and used to go to sleep at 3 to 4am in the morning.
Recently,I found some mails from girls from dating channel and discovered that for all these months he had been chatting and talking dirty with all those girls.He has asked them for sex and told his schedule of going out to different places.But I could not find any replies confirming hook-up.I did find some phone nos.in his phone bill...he told that among those one was from one of those girls which came out to be a wrong no and I had cross checked that(it was a male voice).(I am sorry this is getting too lengthy!)
He says that he has never touched any other woman except me and he will never go to these adult match sites again and he was planning it for fun only and it didn't work out.
I don't know to what extent he has gone because I don't trust him now,he has said so many lies all these months to hide these from me and now each day I am discovering something new about him.
I can't forgive him for he has done enough damage to our relationship,am not in a state to figure out any reason why he had to talk to those girls even,set aside the plans for hook-up when we had such a good life,which he spoilt for ? reasons.
I am very weak and vulnerable at this point because I don't know whether to end it or not and don't know if I would be able to survive a break-up.But certainly,I don't want things coming to me one by one and killing me each day,I have been going through this for last two weeks and life is difficult !
Please tell me if there is any solution to this!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Fiona,

May we ask you where you were originally from and where you moved to once you got married, if your still in touch with family and have you made any new friends in your new Country yet?

Also how long did you know your husband before you got married and what he was like before, obviously i gather you never lived with him before you married and have only established all of this after marriage...

Firstly, it's hard to find out what a person is like once married when you never really got the chance to see certain things before hand.

You have to sit down and talk to him about it all and ask whether he was always playing on sites and looking at porn, or talking dirty over the net, before you both met and what is it he likes about it, what entices him.

You have to also probably question his sexuality that being is he highly sexual and what about you?

Could you two spice things up together as exclusive couples off course, not with any other partners and would he be happy with that, is that what he is missing..

I think you need to find answers out in-other-words before you make any decisions to leave him.

If what you establish is that he has an "addiction" to porn and to talking dirty to women and is neglecting you in the bedroom as his wife, it's not stress and pressure from work, it's an addiction and at that point, I would be telling him to get help or lose you.

If you are far away from family, and you decide to go back that's what you must do for you.

If you decide to stay and see him through this and see him change then you must make friends and get a job so that you are independent and can walk at any time if you ever have to.

I would say that this is very hard for you and for that I am sorry.

He's telling you reasons, such as he lived with others and they accessed his computer, but he's staying up till 4am in the morning and neglecting you so that doesn't make sense. He will lose his job from being tired and then you have nothing either.

Sit him down and tell him to be 100% honest about it all and work from there.

CW

[WildChild]

If this doesn't last you will survive - a little older and wiser.

Only you can decide if you will ever be able to trust him again and what it will take to restore your trust. You need to make it very clear to him that he has materially damaged the relationship and that his behavior will have to change for there to be any hope of saving it. Counseling would be beneficial if that is an option, It can really help to talk with someone who is not part of the situation and who may be able to offer some steps you can take and help you figure out what you want, how to get it and help you stay on track.

This is not going to be easy and it will take time and work - reagrdless of what you decide to do. By all means make an effort to get a new job. That will get you out and about and around people and you need that, it will give you chance to meet people in your new area, it will keep you from spending so much time thinking about all this and that just may keep you from going nuts. And very importantly it will mean you are not entirely financially dependant on him. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant.

You may never understand why he did this. Chances are he doesn't really know why. What you have to decide and it is your decision, is if you, the two of you, can work past it and save the relationship or if it is too far gone.

[fiona82collin]

Thanks for replying

Thanks for the suggestions!
Ihave been struggling hard to get through this all alone but felt better sharing with someone.We come from India and came here six months back(U.K),I don't have any friends over here and find it difficult as I am not very quick in making friends( I am Introvert).
Me and my husband had met through common friends and had a courtship period of three months.We never had sex before marriage as it is not acceptable and we decided to wait till marriage.
He had two more affairs before he met me but never had any physical relationship,although he was quite heartbroken when his last girlfriend walked over him(As he told me),but he told me that it was all over.
After marriage we had great sexual life until coming here when he started avoiding me,which started a few trifles as he could get time for everything but me.When we were together it was only after he had watched porn that he would come to me and that too for a quick sex.I am average in looks and definitely cannot be compared to those porn actors and can't do things they do.Although I have great sexual drive,I need some lovemaking before going for sex.But since I have discovered all those mails and kind of things he was sharing with other girls telling them that he was single,I am not able to get over it.Everytime he comes to me these thoughts just make me hate him.We are not having sex after that as I have told him that I need some time by myself to sort the things out.
We had planned for extending our family this year but now there is no reason to do that,I understand.I really loved him and he was the first guy in my life.I don't know how people can get over it because I had never thought that this all was so superficial!

[WildChild]

Well it's not you who is superficial! It sounds like he got himself enticed into something that he is not mature enough to handle. Try talking with him and setting some definite limits, see how he responds. He may be like a kid in a candy store right now- the question is can you (is it worth it for you to) stick around until he learns that too much candy will make you sick?

[fiona82collin]

Had long discussions!

Hi!
Me and my husband had long discussions regarding all these days and I should tell you that things are not yet clear.We thought about dumping the issue and went out for a few days,but nothing seems to work.He says that he loves me and kept on talking about our future plans,home,kids etc. but he didn't sound real.I want to trust him but don't want to go through all that again.I dont know if anyone can help me,but please tell me how to feel all that again.I can't feel the love and comfort we shared,he seems to be a different person to me now.