[torn2pieces]

Here I am once again in pain over him. We have had a lot of issues and he claimed that is why he was staying out, but everything has been fine, so why is he out again? Why won't he answer my calls.

This isn't fair to me. I have no one to cry to or talk to and I am in agony over this. I don't want a life like this. I really don't think I deserve to sit at home up all night worrying. I have stated my case over and over to him, he claims he don't want me to go through this, but he won't stop doing this. I will not marry into this behavior. I don't know what to do but I know I don't want to feel this anymore.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Aweeeee... at least you have some where to vent, here, to us...

You two were in a good world, you in law, him as a Chef, it all seemed right, right? Both working hard.

Now, your stuck home with kids (2?), how old are they?

And, his life hasn't changed, he's still a Chef, still finishing late, what 9pm? 10pm, going out with the staff, getting drunk, hope he doesn't total the other car.

He is a bachelor, he is not facing up to responsibilities of now being a Father and a partner.

He's still living in the same world as he did.

Arguing ain't going to help either of you, only push you both into the other direction of single hood. Before marriage.

You need to sit him down and talk calmly and you need to set some boundaries, let him lose but also make nights where he is by your side as well, at the end of the night, compromise.

I managed Restaurants for 17 years until 31, I remember them well, very well...

It's a different world.. It's long days, long shifts, lots of shirt going down, errors made, customer complaints, timing, pressure, stress.... And, those drinks and laughs after is what gets you through.

Somehow you have to see "his world" and compromise in that world and see if he compromises back... That's your true test. If he doesn't after you sir-cum to accepting the "Industry", then I am sorry you have kids, but as you said, your sexy, beautiful and smart... You deserve better.

Sit him down.

CW

[WildChild]

Quit calling him, quit looking out for him, quit being available. Don't stay home because he is out, find something to do, go to a girl freinds, a movie, out for a drink. Let him come to you and you see him when you don't have anything better to do. See how he likes having the table turned. If he walks, better sooner than later.

[mr.mansview]

i agree with WC..stay out late with a gf and let him come home and wonder where you are..maybe that's the only way he can see it from your point of view..don't give him all the details either..let him stew a bit about what you may have been doing..

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't know guys, part of me agrees , what is good for the goose type thing. Letting him know how it feels, letting him worry and hurt too... etc, yeah it probably would get the point across. Its just sad having to resort back to weird dating games that people play with the father of your kids.

You shouldn't have to demonstrate how much it hurts, he should understand it by you telling him it does. He's an adult with hopefully the ability to comprehend words expressed to him.

If he's going to be jerk, he should call or text and say "don't worry about me I am just being a douche tonight". So that torn can at least get some sleep and not sit up worrying if something happened to him when he isn't returning her calls.

He is not behaving like a man in a relationship. He is acting like a single man with all the comforts of a committed relationship. You can't have it both ways. If you want to be single and do whatever you want, stay out all hours and not be bothered with someone caring about you so much they want you home with them then do that.

There are ups and downs to being in a relationship. No, you don't have as much freedom to party all night with strangers and leave your S.O at home worrying about you. But doing all that and having no one to share life with is lonely. One night stands, dinners alone , blind dates, going by yourself to couples get togethers, watching tv on the sofa with your cat, no one to joke with or share your thoughts on things to.

He wants it all - cake til there is no more cake and then more cake to magically appear still. You don't deserve this. Ask him which life he prefers, his single life.. night life, leaving you at home every night with the kids or his home life , with you loving him and caring for him , coming home to his family.

He has to sacrafice either you or the constant partying... or at least meet you in the middle somewhere before he causes you to resent him so much that when he finally screws his head on straight and wants to be home... you don't want him there anymore.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But that's hard with kids, HD...

She has kids, she can't go and party and see what he thinks cause he aint there looking after them.

Unless she has close family near by that would support her, playing his game and isn't that the reality? She's playing the same game?

If he can't understand and compromise with being a committed family man and also a Sou Chef out with mates on occasions, instead then he isn't marriage material, he's a batchelor.

Been there.

CW

[WildChild]

It's not game playing. When did sitting home stressing and crying ever do any good? I know, I've done it - it doesn't help. He is what he is, she can't change that all she can change is what SHE does and how she responds - so do something different. Absolutely talk with him, but then get out and go places, take the kids with if need be. I'm not talking bars and such, go to the zoo, the park, check for things like free concerts and movies in your area. Swap child care with a freind, you watch hers one day, she takes yours another and get out.

What are your options? Sit home, cry, fuss at him when he comes in or get out a do things on your own? Are you ready to lay down some limits? Unless he accepts them what are you going to do? Are you ready to walk out? Or throw him out? Decide what you want and what you are willing to accept as well as what you will do if you don't get it and then spell it out for him. But you have to be ready and prepared in the event he chooses to keep playing single. Men can be delightful beings but they can also be the most completely shortsighted jerks to ever breathe air. Take care of yourself and remember that you are special and worthy of being valued.

[Hopeless Dork]

I just mean game playing in the sense of , she obviously doesn't have a heavy drive to be out partying after hours or she'd be doing that already. Mystery and making a guy wonder what she is up to, just to me while sounding like the thing that would work (I am sure it would he can't see what it feels like til he feels it too, talking about it doesn't seem to express it) just seems like something a couple, with a pair of kids should be beyond having to do.

I agree that you have to have your own life and cant be dependent on your mate to fill all of your social needs as they need room to be their own person too. But if I visited some friends and wanted to come home at 10pm and kiss my kids goodnight and curl up in bed with my guy to have to instead force myself to stay so that he can have to worry - it does seem like a dating game.

[WildChild]

I agree HD and I'm not a game player, at work or in relationships. Unfortunately it seems most of the rest of the world does nothing else. I simply mean that she should not sit at home worrying what he is doing or when he'll be home instead of doing what she would like. I know what she might like more than anything is to have some time with him. But hard as it is, we can't make others want what we want.

[HALFNOTHING]

Agree of you guys.. she must stop worrying. she has to move on with her kids. go to a friends with kids. left him out. eats all the foods. don't allow someone to arrange his clothes if ever you have maid. if you don't, well stop washing and arranging all his material. let him do that.. instead of caring and worrying him, look for the kids and enjoy life with them.. you have to make your heart hard for him.. when he gets angry, stay calm and talk.. then prepare for his decision..it might hurt a lot but that's will be the new beginning.

Tomorrow will shine for you..