[seabreezelover]

Hi, I have been married for 8 years, currently separated. I asked for the separation and I had another relationship for a month. My husband says he cannot get over that. 3 month ago my husband and I decided to try to work things out, it was great for five days, suddenly he said he was confused about us and left again, I found out he was in a relationship for two months. He said he loves me and cares for me but he likes this other woman. I am very confused as well. He says he wants to be with us, but he is scare I will do the same again. I have been trying hard to build his trust, but it does not seem is working. He told me I am more important and he feels more comfortable with me, still he goes to her. He said he does not know yet if he wants to finish our relationship or not. He is 50-50. The ambivalence is driving me insane. Should I be patient and wait or give up and let go?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

seabreezelover.

You BOTH had a trial away from each other, to establish what was missing? To establish what you want.

He can NOT have had a relationship himself for 2 months and "blame you" for your 1 month.

What he is feeling is that " you asked for the seperation then went with some other person", that is what he doesn't trust, that you will get back with him and find things not the same, happy and ask again for a separation and sleep with someone else.

I do get where he's coming from but I assume that he was with someone after you left him.... And, he's not sure whether or not you two can work it out.

He may be hurt to the hilt, because all he can see is that you separated from him and then slept with someone.

I think he needs to see that you BOTH tried what's out there and realised you both still love each other, it happens, it's normal, neither of you were together at that time...

He needs assurance that that guy mean't nothing if that's the case, and that you yourself was confused and you love him and don't care that he took the same course of action because you were both in pain.

You need to discuss what went wrong and why and how you can correct this for the future.

You need to be honest with yourself... why you left in the first place and if he can give you what he couldn't now.

And, don't feel guilty there was a reason behind it...

Be strong and talk....

CW

[seabreezelover]

Thank you for taking time to answered, you are right he is very hurt, we do talk and we are even going to counseling, I keep telling him that I love him. My concern is that he is using what I did almost a year ago as an excuse to stay away from me. He does not talk about the subject, only if I bring it up. He does so many good things for me and at the same time, I feel he is distant and uncaring. It is difficult to understand. Could be that I am so insecure that I cannot see well or I am so blind that I cannot see he is gone and I should move on. I just want to know if I should keep fighting or give up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, I think the important question that you need to ask yourself is what did he give you that made you love him so much? Or didn't he?

See, this is your life, you separated for a reason..

It's good that your going to counselling.. And, this is hard because maybe he's liking being with you and her now.. that adventure of having what he had, but having someone else too.

If he doesn't want to talk about the subject, as I said, he "can't blame you" there is and was a reason for the separation to start with.

Give counselling a go for a bit and see if he can see why it all commenced this way to start with.

Let me ask, was he un-caring to start with is that why you left? You need to express to us why you left in order for answer, ( I am in Australia by the way, everyone else is sleeping more than likely but you will get answers tomorrow)...

Here are some questions:-

Do you have children?
What is your financial stance?

He could be there for those reasons.. .

Is he seeing this other woman whilst trying to re-consile still? And if so, how often?

We can't answer that last question without more information I think...

If you feel blind it's because he won't talk / communicate was he always bad at this?

What love made you want to separate to start with?

CW

[seabreezelover]

The reason I separated from him was because I felt unhappy, I talked to him for about two years prior to our separation about it, he was very passionate about his work and will solve problems at the moment they will appear, but at home he had no desire to do much, I asked him so many times what I had to do to make him feel better he said I was doing all he liked, I asked him to let me know if I did something that made him feel bad, but got no answer. every time we talked and I asked him to help me to figure it out, to help me make our relationship better he said "I do not know", I will stay awake for couples of hours crying and he will turn and be sleep in five minutes. yes I will say he is the kind of person that is not to caring emotionally, he is the same with his family and even with our daughter, and I do believe is because he has very strong issues with trust to begging with, is very difficult for him to open up and to give affection. We never had a fight; or disrespected each other; most of the disagreements were handling in a rational way. I have to say that I am very strong person, stubborn and I do all I can to be right. He recently told me that he did not talked to me because he felt unheard; he did not felt I care for him of comfortable. The few times he tried to tell me how he felt I cut him up and started to justify myself. It is always being difficult for me to heard negative feedback when I try to do something good. I have taken responsibility on this and I did apologize for it. He told me he questioned himself about if he ever loved me enough to fight for me. He said he has no desire to make me happy. I am constantly asking him to be honest with me, all he said is that he does not want to be with me now because he will be disrespectful and that is not what he wants, but he does care and loves me that’s why he goes to therapy, comes to the house and spend time with us, he never stop taking care of us economically, he is an amazing guy, I do understand he is confused and hurt but how is he going to figure it out if he do not try to be with us and keeps seen this other w. is it very hard for me to accept the situation and my thoughts about he spending time with this other w are killing me, I am concern I am going to be emotionally ill and so damage by the time he figures all this out that I won't be able to forgive him and I do want over anything keep a good relationship with him because our daughter. Is difficult to sleep, to eat. I am going to school, doing internship, taking care of renovations at home, have a part time job and trying to be as stable as possible for our daughter. I think it may be that I am too overwhelmed and anxious. To top it all I do not have any social life or many friends. I do doubt myself about my love for him too and many times I wonder if I can really love a man that treats me in a way that I do not feel good at all.

[seabreezelover]

by the way thank you so much this is amazing to be able to express how i feel and have someone on the other side, thank you, thank you!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have so much I want to say sweet.

But, upmost, formost, thank your sharing and getting it off your chest.

Can I ask that I allow others to answer, overnight....

You deserve love, we all do...

You keep smiling in the meantime.... I'd like a while to re-read before replying that was a long post, and good for you....

CW

[Tina Lee]

Let me see if I got this right,

He's seeing both you & another woman? That doesn't sound fair to you hun. He can't have it both ways...

On one hand, he's going for counselling & trying to work things out with you, while he's with this other woman??

I think the real question is, How long do you want to put up with this behavior? Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship. But you deserve 100% of your partner's love, compassion, & respect.

Continue with counselling, because you seem to have so much on your plate right now. But do it for YOUR NEEDS. Don't worry about his side of it yet. Once you've got your head on straight, then you let him know what's going to happen, and what kind of relationship you'd like to have in your life. If he can't get with the program, see ya'..

[WildChild]

It sounds like you both have things to work out and counseling is a good idea regardless. I'm baffled how he can be bothered by you having had another relationship while he is in one himself. That's pretty double standarded and not very rational or balanced thinking.

Some of what you saying about him doesn't make sense. How can he be an amazing guy if he doesn't have any desire to make you happy, doesn't want to fight for you, hasn't ever had any input as to what would make a better relationship, is not caring emotionally, is passionate about his work and hard working but has no desire to do anything at home? I can certain see why you'd want out, why do you want to stay? That sounds mostly economic.
Maybe you need to back off on some of the other stuff, get out and meet more people and spend some time deciding what you want. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[seabreezelover]

Thank you all for your words they mean a lot, for sure I feel stronger right now. maybe if I tell you his point of view will be more clear, he think I left him to be with another man, he felt betrayed and he told me he had to erase me out of his mind in order to survive, he has a lot of anger still inside and the bad thoughts come back, less than before but he cannot help to feel anxiety about all that happened. he recognizes he did not fulfill my needs and that why I left, what is confusing is that 6 months ago he said he will do anything to get me back it did not matter if will take him 6 months or years, that he knew what I need and he was going to give it to me, that all he wanted from me was to let the door open; I told him it was never closed. He tried couple of things but after a week or so he started to withdraw again, now he says is because he got no reaction on my side. I was so hurt and I was clear about it, I told him back then I was not ready to jump back in because I was deeply hurt by him and the other one. I was abandon by him, then I was abandon by the other one because I was constantly talking and protecting my husband. Then he abandons me again after four days he was back at the house 3 months ago. I have being told so many times I love you; I will give you what you need and then left alone. The past year has being so difficult to deal with. I am confused because he does not tell me strait forward how he feels he sais he is 50-50 he does not know yet if he wants to finish our relationship or not. That everything is going to be ok, that we have to treat each other with respect and love. But I need more than that, I deserve more. So my confusion is should I be patient and wait because you love him or just do your life and forget about him. All I want is to be calm and able to go on with my life no matter what, for me is extremely important to make sure I did all I could before I decide to quit, but is being really hard to let go.