[WildChild]

Stick with the counseling no matter what. You both need it. Tell him you need to talk and ask when would be a good time to have uninterupted. Think through what you want him to know. Tell him how what you want for the two of you, for your relationship, tell him about the good things he's done and what you feel about him and the situation. LISTEN to what he has to say. Do you have common ground? A place to work from? Do you both feel that this has a fighting chance? You both have to understand that it will take time, there are no magic buttons, no magic words to instantly repair this. His expectation that he could do this and you would have that reaction was unrealistic. Are you both willing to give it the time and energy it needs. That means without any side relationships going on. If not start planning how you will handle an orderly split (be prepared no matter how much you discuss it at some point they tend to get ugly)

[seabreezelover]

thank you so much!! i guess i just going to go on with what i have in my hands. give him some space so he can sort things out and stay possitive. i just whish i new what he wants from me. believe me i asked numerous times, but got not concreate answer he always say he does not know yet. i thought love was less complicated, either you love some one or not. i am going to follow your advices and see what happens i will keep you posted. I feel i should tell him he needs to choose and make up his mind but at the same time i do not want to pressure him. right now i can only think life is putting me through a test and at the end of the tunnel i will see the light. it will be ok!

[WildChild]

Just don't put yourself on hold waiting for what he does, Advance your studies, your career, expand your interests, don't sit and wait, don't do a Sleeping Beauty waiting for his kiss to bring you to life. Move foreward with your life.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, I spent 7 and a half years, "begging" for a proper marriage, affection, just to be kissed and well I wasn't interested in "sex" for the sake of it either, rather passion but all words ended up on deaths ears.

I would feel like I would get a step ahead, but then after a week, it would go back to the same or worse, always I walked on egg shells until one day, I said I've had enough and I walked.. 2 years later, I never went back.

People can't change.

Sounds like he is supporting you financially but not emotionally or physically and that he is aware that is what you need, want and his "hurt" is visualising you having those things for a month with another man, not him, but then he never gave them to you.

It sounds as if, he is not able to let go and be himself in a loving way emotionally and sexually.

It sounds as if originally he was fighting for his "rights" as a man but is doing all of this because he knows he can't fullfill those desires that you have, want and need and so, accepts counselling, but won't come home, again, that way, he gets to keep you in the picture, because he doesn't want to lose.

If he continued to go back to his same traits each time you talked, he will continue to again.

He cannot, be there for you financially and your child and not emotionally and physically and he cannot go to counselling to work it out without coming home to do so, he cannot, live away with another woman at his side and fight for a marriage that he's not fighting for... It's more of "keeping you there".

You sound like you are a perfectionist, you like to get things right and get upset if that doesn't happen and don't like being told off, for being wrong, yes that's something you have to work on.

But, here your "working on a marriage" with a man who can't commit to the things you need, "just words" and lives away and sleeps with another woman.

"IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE SET THEM FREE IF THEY COME BACK TO YOU, THEY ARE YOURS, IF THEY DON'T THEY NEVER WERE".

I agree with the above, you continue with counselling to get your head around what you want out of life.

I would suggest you tell him that you made a committment upon marriage, if he wishes to continue to work it out, then it will be and only will be in the marital home and that she be gone, or else, another break is in order, without anything physically between you both until he does, and even then, you are not sure that you will accept, pending on the time and pending on how you feel.

He can not try and work with you and have a women there as well.

But, I think personally your not in love with him anymore either, and that you see good support from him for you and your daughter and that clouds the reality of all the things that have been missing from this marriage that you have tried to get back or get to no avail.

I think you should definately, counsel privately and send him on his way and see what the future holds.

CW

[seabreezelover]

thank you for your wise words. i have been thinking and all you say makes a lot of sense. i think i have known for long time, i keep trying to convince my self that he loves me and I keep trying to justify his actions but there is nothing to justify, what ever is motives are do not make any difference, the point is that he is not next to me trying his best to fix our relationship. My decision is not to act impulsive, not to assume, not to work so hard on trying to fix things. I am so tired of all this. i am going to concentrate on my life, my daugther and my mother that lives with me. i am going to go out and make new friends, and enjoy life, what ever the future is, it is going to be no matter how much i suffer or enjoy. it will be hard to let go but i have to for my onw sake and the sake of my family.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sleep on it and ask yourself the same question tomorrow.

If tomorrow brings the same answer, wish you success, happiness, love, pfttts and A LIFE of fulfilled hopes.

CW

[HALFNOTHING]

wew. I got my tummy ache reading the long posts.. lol
but i came to a short conclusion.

Not that he doesn't love you. your hubby is the type of person that doesn't know how to be a romantic. let say, he is responsible financially but irresponsible to other side as a husband and father.. I think, his pride cannot take what you did..man hurts a lot than we, girls feel when we feel betrayed and fooled.. his heart telling him that he loves you but every time he sees you. the memory of what you did came back..you hurts his ago.. and i think the reason why he came back last month was not trying to be at your side but to revenge. he wants you to feel what he feels when you did that thing.. Don't get me wrong, this is only my idea.

so, all you can do is to talk. honest to each other.. it's good to be hurt once because expecting every day from him that he will come back will hurt you a lot.. its better to cut it for the first place. let him choose. if his answer is still the same that he loves you but he cannot leave the other girl. your move.. don't wait..

SOMETIME WE THINK OF THE BEST BUT WE DON'T KNOW THAT, THAT BEST WE ARE THINKING IS THE BEST TERRIBLE THING FOR US. NO MATTER HOW AMAZING HE IS, THERE IS ALWAYS MUCH BETTER THAN HIM. bear in mind that.. don't lose hope.

[seabreezelover]

thanks!! for your support and point of view very clarifying. for the past two days i have been thinking about doing that, he has to choose once and for all, 4 months are time enough to make a decision. living like this is not good. i am planning to wait untill our next therapy session to say anything. i will keep my self away from him and try to do other things to be distracted. thanks!!!

[HALFNOTHING]

I was in your situation and i feel for you.. it must be tough.. seriously, when i was in your situation, i feel like im dying that i want to cut my hearts out and i want to kill somebody but nothing can do but to endure the pain inside..

why does people hurts us? its just because we love them.. so, its time to tell to the world that its our turn to hurt people hehehe.. we will hurt them for they loves us too. lol..

keep smiling.. laughter is the best medicine..