[ladyj09]

just posting this cause things are on my mind...

i have been married for 12 yrs and we have been together for 16 yrs( kids are over 18.,.1 still at home who is 20- not his child- he is the step dad).
we have been thur alot together like any married couple and i thought we were happily married till he cheated on me that was back in 2005 that lasted for a yr and then AGAIN with the same person just last yr which lasted about 6-8 months ( not sure exactly ) i found out both times by looking at his cell phone and saw the text messages. i confronted him both times and said he has to end it and he said he did,obviously i believed him. he was really rotten to me durning that time and i cant get past the fact he cheated on me and treated me like a dog. i just have a hard time trusting him now, whether he says he's going to visit his mom or going to the store or just to work on a saturday. i have checked his phone ( when he doesnt have it on lock mode) and saw that there were no calls from her but she knows his work number and can call him directly. Lately he has been hot and cold with me and i dont know if its work or something else. He has mentioned her alot lately over the last few months and i have ask him not to bring her up again but he does. how can i get on with my life and not be suspicious all the time. i have suggested marriage counceling and he said "everything was fine". he is not the type of person to admit he was wrong or sorry .. he never said he was sorry he cheated on me. i am worried he his messing with her again.

[amaranthine]

Why haven't you divorced this yet?

[Tina Lee]

Honey, when I was reading your post - this guy sent off some real red flags for me.

1. He cheated on you with her for 1 yearl.
2. He cheated on you with the same girl for another approx. 6 - 8 months.
3. He was a jerk to you the whole time he was cheating on you.
4. He keeps his cell on lock mode??
5. And you said now,
6. "Lately he has been hot and cold with me."
7. "He has mentioned her alot lately over the last few months and i have ask him not to bring her up again but he does.
8. "i have suggested marriage counceling and he said "everything was fine
9. " he never said he was sorry he cheated on me

You deserve better treatment than that. Obviously he does not have the strength, or maturity to decide where he wants to be. You have to put your foot down, and say enough is enough. You deserve to be happy..

[ladyj09]

i havent divorced him because i have no money to get a lawyer and i am not asking my parents either. its not easy to give up on a relationship that has lasted for 16 yrs.
believe me.. i am not a stupid person, maybe more naive then anything else hoping that we as a couple can move past the "past" and get on with our lives. Sometimes i think things are going great other times i dont. he said he hasnt spoken to her in a couple of months and i told him " good, you better not or our marriage is over" and i have told him that more than once. i just want to move past all that but i dont know if that's possible because of the fact that he did that to me twice so its hard right now for me to trust him and i want to but have a hard time doing so. sometimes i think its all in my head other times i dont. it stinks living with someone you dont trust and the worst part about it is that he never ever said he was sorry, like it was ok for him to do what he did without any reprocusations to it. sorry for going on and on but this issue has been on my mind for quite sometime and i cant seem to let it go.

[WildChild]

Counseling may be helpful, most insurances cover it or check with your county health office. You need to know that he is as committed to making it work as you are. Then you both need to work on rebuilding trust, he has to take responsibility for his actions and you have to take responsibilty for what you did or didn't do that contributed to the situation.
You have 16 years together but this behavior goes back at least 4 years. Some people do rebuild their marriages after a challenge such as this and come out stronger, it will take dedication and willingness to make changes. Can you let go of the hurt and anger, if he shows he is changing, so that you can heal this?

[hippiechick2405]

Oh, honey, you need to get out. He doesn't even sound like he is one bit remorseful for what happened. And him bringing her name up often now, is completely unacceptable. That is like slapping you in the face with his "past". He sounds like he thinks he's quite the player. Keeping his phone locked, bringing her name up (which has to be just to make you mad/upset), not apologizing, and treating you "rotten". All those things are just wrong and you do not deserve that in anyway. You have no young kids at home, so I say you do whatever you can to get out. Divorce is expensive, but you don't have to file the day you leave or anything. Maybe you can stay with a friend until you figure out what you can do. Do you have a job? And, depending on your state laws, you may be entitled to spousal support or alimony. Don't let him emotionally run you into the ground anymore.

[starjoy08]

Ok, So after reading everything it sounds like you need to understand that you are a WOMEN! You should be proud of who you are and be strong. You should be respected! If you love him and want to work it out, then go work it out! You should have never had to deal with all that pain. It was his problem , not yours. Be strong and follow your heart. Some men are worth saving, others are not.

[Tina Lee]

Someone suggested counselling earlier, and I think that's a great idea, with him, or without him.

You don't have to up and leave him tonight.. It takes time to make arrangements, and plan ahead, if that's even what you're thinking of doing.

I think the first step that HE needs to do -- is apologize to you for hurting you. He needs to really get it that what he did was hurtful, and wrong. Without that important step, how do you forgive him for what he did?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He has mentioned her alot lately over the last few months and i have ask him not to bring her up again but he does.

He can't let go of this woman, 1 year, in 2005 and then again for 6 - 8 months and he still brings her name up?

I appreciate he won't say sorry but seriously, to talk about her to you? That stinks.

I think when people "forgive" not forget, "twice" he knows that he can pretty well do what he wants..

He is even really, torchering you a little by mentioning her.

If you want this man back, and don't want him to go back to his romps with her, then you two may need to spice things up, but then why would you with him when he's already not only cheated once, but twice, but with the same woman and without any concern for your feelings?

Why not change the locks on your house, kick him out and find your own dream man whom spoils you in and out of the bedroom.

I bet he would coming running back then, knowing the strength of your character and that he lost his wife.

CW

[ladyj09]

yes i do have a job( full time) and so does he. he's 43 i am 42.
there is alot more to this then up and leaving, mainly i would lose out financially if i just up and left that would be abandonment and i could lose my 1/2 of the house if we did get divorced. oh yes, it is painful and hurts me deeply that he mentions her even after i told him not to numerous times. why he does that i really dont have a answer for that.
i do spice things up in the bedroom but its not a consistant thing, he gets tired at 9:30 then to tired to do anything else so i dont bother. i told him that if he wants "some" then initiate but he doesnt he would rather complain or just fall asleep on the couch then i get "blamed" for not giving him "some".
he's good at turning the tables and make it my fault.. like with the affairs he's had he said it was because he needed someone to talk to which is a bunch of bs and i know that. he did it cause he wanted to and noone forced him into that, it was his decision. i just take things day by day and hope that things between us do get better but i really dont know how long our marriage will last. i just cant take it if he is cheating on me again,( if he is )i have made the decision to divorce him and let the chips fall where they fall. period.. thanks to all for the input.,, i appreciate it!